Tom's jokes and funny stories, from the daily pages (2002–2004) and the joke database (2006). 2,977 items · page 38 of 75
Two buddies were sitting at the bar in a singles' club and talking about another guy who was sitting at the other end of the bar.
"I don't get it," complained the first guy, "He's not good looking, he has absolutely no taste in clothes, and he drives a beat up wreck of a car,... yet he always manages to go home with the most beautiful women here!"
"Yeah," replies his buddy, "He's not even a very good conversationalist, all he does is sit there and lick his eyebrows!"
Murphy and his wife, a middle-aged couple, went for a stroll in the park. They sit down on a bench to rest for awhile. Soon they overhear voices coming from a secluded spot nearby. Suddenly Mrs. Murphy realizes that a young man is about to propose.
Not wanting to be eavesdropping during such an intimate moment, she gently nudges her husband and whispers, "Whistle to let that young couple know that someone can hear them."
To which Murphy replies, "Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me?"
One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to the unemployment office to hire someone for the day. When he arrived, they didn't have any painters available, but they did have a gynecologist there. He reluctantly took him along to help. A couple of weeks later, the painter returned to the unemployment office needing temporary help again. This time there were two painters there, but instead he asked for the gynecologist again.
The clerk asked, "Why do you want a gynecologist when we have two professional painters you can take right now?"
He said, "Two weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist, we arrived at the house and it was locked with nobody home. But I'll be damned if that gynecologist didn't stick his hand through the mail slot and paint the whole house!!"
Some of my friends started a company built around an innovative idea for an online business. A debate broke out about what to name the venture. "We have to call it Imagination," one passionate participant cried out.
Everyone thought the idea over for a minute, and then a voice of reason replied, "Are you sure you want your business card to read 'Imagination, Limited'?"
An old man made it shakily through the door to Joe Conforte's Mustang Ranch, outside Reno, Nevada. The receptionist stared at him.
"You gotta be in the wrong place," she exclaimed. "What are you looking for?"
"Ain't this the famous Mustang Ranch? Ain't this where you got forty-five girls ready-n-able?"
The receptionist looked perplexed. "Ready for what?"
"I want a girl," the old man rasped. "I wanna get some action."
"How old are you, Pop?" she asked.
"Ninety-two," he replied.
"Ninety-two? Pop, you've HAD it!"
"Oh," said the old man, a little disconcerted as his trembling fingers reached for his wallet. "How much do I owe you?"
There was once a herd of llamas that lived next to a herd of cows - separated only by a small fence. The cows would trick the young llamas into coming over near the fence, then when they got close enough, they would grab them and pull them over to their side.
At that point, they would kick the llama around - using him like a soccer ball. They did this for a few hours every day until they tired of it. The moral of the story?
Llamas, don't let your babies grow up to be cow toys.
The Bachelor Diet
Monday
Breakfast - Who can eat Breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste while brushing your teeth. Lunch - Send your secretary out for six "gutbombers" - those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, a bowl of chili, a soft drink and have her stop on the way back for a family size bottle of Maalox. Afternoon Snack - Drink the Maalox. Dinner - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-piece Dinner, don't eat the coleslaw.
Tuesday
Breakfast - Eat the coleslaw. Lunch - Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea. Dinner - Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho's.
Wednesday
Breakfast - Stomach couldn't handle breakfast after a night at El Flasho's. Lunch - Rolaids and a coke. Dinner - Drop in at a married friends house and beg for scraps.
Thursday
Breakfast - Order out for pizza. Lunch - Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gutbomber sack for leftovers. Dinner - Go to a bar. Ask the bartender for extra olives.
Friday
Breakfast - Eggs, sausage and an English muffin at McDonalds. Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better and it's better for you. Lunch - Skip Lunch, Fridays are murder. Dinner - Steak, well-done, baked potato and asparagus. Don't eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.
Saturday
Breakfast - Sleep through it. Lunch - Ditto. Dinner - Steak, well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts. Don't eat the Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant them in a hanging basket.
Sunday
Breakfast - Three Bloody Mary's and a Twinkie. Lunch - Eat Lunch? And waste a good buzz? Dinner - Chicken noodle soup. Call home and ask about renting our old room.
A well-dressed business man was walking down the street when a little kid covered in soot said to him respectfully, "Sir, can you tell me the time?"
The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, "It is a quarter to three, young man."
"Thanks," said the boy. "At exactly three o'clock you can kiss my ass."
With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him. He had not been running long when an old friend stopped him.
"Why are you running like this at your age?" asked the friend.
Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, "That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his ass!"
"So what's your hurry," said the friend. "You still have ten minutes."
A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy negligee she had worn on their wedding night. She looked at her husband and said, "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looked up at her and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."
She said, "That's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"
He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."
"Well, what was it?" she asked.
He responded, "As I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big boobs and screw your brains out.' "
She giggled and said, "Yes honey, that's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, and I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"
Again he looked up at her, and he replied, "Mission accomplished."
A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd porpoise on one of its trips. Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free.
"Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it be a kindness if our ship's doctor here were to amputate the feet so that it would be like other porpoises?" "Not on your life," exclaimed the doctor,
"That would be defeeting the porpoise."
Bizarre July Holidays
July 1 is Creative Ice Cream Flavor Day and Build A Scare-crow Day
July 3 is Stay Out Of The Sun Day and Compliment Your Mirror Day
July 6 is National Fried Chicken Day
July 8 is Video Games Day
July 14 is National Nude Day
July 16 is International Juggling Day
July 20 is Ugly Truck Contest Day
July 21 is National Tug-Of-War Tournament Day
July 27 is Take Your Pants For A Walk Day
July 29 is Cheese Sacrifice Purchase Day
My job is in the aerospace industry, and it's always been a challenge to explain what kind of work I do.
At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defense contractor."
The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?"
Long, unproductive meetings are often the bane of corporate life.
A very funny boss at the software company has come up with what just might be the perfect way to cut business conferences short before they start rambling out of control.
There comes a time when he announces, "All those opposed to my plan say, 'I resign.'"
End of meeting.....
SCRABBLE
Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one!)
GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
EVANGELIST: When you rearrange the letters: EVIL'S AGENT
PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
And for the grand finale:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: When you rearrange the letters (With no letters left over and using each letter only once): TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
Yep! Someone has waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands! But isn't that interesting!
WHAT'S AMORE?
When the moon hits your eye Like a big pizza pie
That's amore.
When an eel bites your hand And that's not what you planned
That's a moray.
When our habits are strange And our customs deranged
That's our mores.
When your horse munches straw And the bales total four
That's some more hay.
When Othello's poor wife She gets stabbed with a knife
That's a Moor, eh?
An 80-year-old-couple are having problems remembering things, so they decide to see their doctor to find out if anything is wrong with them.
They see the doctor and tell him about the memory problems they’ve been having. After a check-up, the doctor tells them that they are physically fine but might want to start writing things down to help them remember things. They thank the doctor and leave.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Where are you going?" asks his wife.
"To the kitchen," he replies.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" she asks.
"Sure," he says.
She says, "Maybe you should write it down so you’ll remember."
"I’ll remember," he says.
"Well, I would also like some strawberries on top," she says. "You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget."
"I can remember that," he says, as he begins to loose his patience. "You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I would also like whip cream on top," she adds, "I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
Hopping mad he says, "I don't need to write that down! I will remember just fine." He fumes into the kitchen to get the food.
After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Hey, you forgot my toast!"
"Are you sure this is your house?" the cop asked the thoroughly sozzled gentleman.
"Shertainly," said the drunk, "an’ if you’ll jesh open the door f’me, I’ll prove it to you."
"You shee that piano?" the drunk began. "Thash mine. You shee that TV? Thash mine, too. Follow me, follow me."
The police officer followed as he shakily negotiated the stairs to the second floor. The drunk pushed open the first door they came to.
"Thish ish my bedroom," he announced. "Shee that bed? Thash my bed. Shee that woman lying in the bed? Thash my wife. And shee that guy lying next to her?"
"Yeah," said the cop suspiciously.
"Thash me!"
Two men went golfing. One man took his pipe out of his gold bag and asked the other one if he had a lighter. The other man pulled out a 12-inch Bic lighter and handed it to him. The first man said "Where did you get that?"
The second man said, "From my genie." The man pulled a lamp out of his bag and rubbed it. The genie appeared and asked what he wanted. He said a million bucks and the genie went back into the lamp. As soon as he disappeared, a million ducks flew overhead.
"Wait a minute," the first man said, "that's not what you asked for."
The second man said, "My genie has bad hearing. Do you really think I asked for a 12-inch Bic?"
At the beginning of the school year, one seventh grader was reflecting on his chance at being the 8th grade valedictorian. He said his dad was valedictorian, his mom was valedictorian, and his sister was also valedictorian.
He paused, leaned back in his chair and said, "Looks like the end of an era!"
My husband decided life would be easier if he wired a new light switch in the master bedroom to save us from fumbling in the dark for the lamp. He cut through the drywall and found a stash of bottles and small boxes inside the wall.
"Honey!" he called excitedly. "You've got to come here and see what I found."
I ran in and quickly realized that his next task would be to fix the hole that now led into the back of our medicine cabinet.
On a cruise to Alaska, I saw my very first glacier in the magnificent Inside Passage. Excitedly, I asked the ship's officer what it was called.
"It's some dumb glacier," he replied.
Disappointed by his attitude, I bought a map to figure it out for myself. I calculated our location and found the name of the ice mass. It was called, just as he had said, "Sumdum Glacier."
The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday School quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade ages in Ohio. They were collected by two teachers over a period of three years. Read carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers, and, of course, spelling.
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.
Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it.
Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was A actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds Like he was sort of busy too.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.
Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a Dramatic decline.
In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on TV now.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have problems.
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented Cigarettes and started smoking.
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by Rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands... Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
Bethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long. People got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it.
Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.
Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess."
Shirley and Abe, a retired couple from New York City, living in Miami, are getting ready to go out to dinner. Shirley says, "Abe, darling, do you want me to wear this Chanel suit or the Gucci?"
Abe says, "Do I care?"
A few minutes later Shirley says, "Abe, should I wear my Cartier watch or my Rolex?"
Abe says, "Whay ask me?"
A few more minutes pass and Shirley says, "Abe, love, shall I wear my five-carat pear diamond ring or my six-carat round diamond ring with the baguettes?"
Abe says, "Shirley, I really don't care what you wear, but if you don't move your ass we're going to miss the Early Bird Special at the Denny's."
Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policeman stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."
"What? What on earth for?" asked the incredulous driver.
The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."
An exquisite painting entitled "Home for Lunch" was on display in a Pennsylvania art gallery. It depicted three very naked, very black men sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis.
Two women were staring at the painting, trying to figure it out. The artist noticed their confusion. The artist asked, "Can I help you with this painting?"
One woman replied, "We were curious about the painting of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?"
"I'm afraid you've misinterpreted the painting," the artist explained. "The three men are not African-Americans. They are Pennsylvania coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch."
A patient to his psychiatrist, "I'm worried, Doc. Last night I found myself in a horrible nightmare. I dreamed I was in an awful country ruled by Satan and that country was actually Hades. What does that mean?" The Doctor Replied, "Well, first of all, you weren't in a nightmare.....
It was actually a HeliLucifernation."
As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks.
Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block.
All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly.
They glared at us with looks of disgust.
Suddenly, we realized why.........
We were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them...
"Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer. "Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?"
"Certainly," replied the applicant. "It means I don't get the job."
The Pentagon recently unveiled it's new super CRAY computer to the top brass. This fantastic device, capable of making bazillions of decisions in split nanoseconds, is designed to solve all military problems with the greatest of ease. To test it's capabilities, the brass pose a tactical problem to it and .----. then ask for a decision,
"Attack or Retreat"?
CRAY hums a bit, blinks a myriad of lights and answers "YES".
The brass, somewhat confused by this answer, replied "Yes What"?
CRAY instantly replies, "YES SIR"!
Tokyo residents were panicked today by wide spread discoveries of little piles of cotton fiber and rodent droppings in residences in central Tokyo, accompanied by holes appearing suddenly in various pieces of household furniture.
Municipal authorities are taking swift action to calm residents and today claimed that there is little likelihood of a major outbreak of "futon mouse disease" in the city.
A woman, completely fed up with her husband's AOL obsession finally takes matters into her own hands.
One night as he is sitting at the computer, she goes into the bedroom, takes off all her clothes, puts on a full length fur coat and she posts herself between her husband and his monitor.
She pulls open the jacket and yells, "Time for Super Sex!"
He ignores her.
So, she repeatedly yells, "Super Sex! Super Sex! Super Sex!"
Finally he replies, "Ok, I'll take the soup."
Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiancé thinks I'm a virgin and I'm not. Is there anything you can do to help me?"
The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."
The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man. Things begin to progress - her hubby "slips it in" and just then she snaps the elastic band.
The hubby asks, "What the heck was that?
The wife explains, "Oh Honey, that was my virginity snapping."
The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!"
A new celebrity restaurant chain is opening up nationwide. It is a partnership between Kareem Abdul Jabarr, Ryan Coffee, and Sugar Ray Leonard.
They're going to call it: "Coffee, with Kareem and Sugar"
My husband and I were going to visit a friend and when we got to her house we saw her cordless sitting on the trunk of her car. "Let's play a joke on Manda!" I told my husband, "We'll call her from her own front yard on her own phone!"
I thought I was brilliant. My husband must have thought so too because he was having quite the laugh at poor Manda's expense! So I called...and got a busy signal. I'm not too proud to admit I then looked at my husband and in all sincerity said, "She must be online." This remark finally drove him into hystericals. I swear Joe...it never once occured to me I couldn't call her phone number from her own phone! And no, I'm not a blonde!
No name on this one! Ha!
There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line, you must walk on to the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress".
The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming! "You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?" He asked.
"No!" the director screamed, "You forgot the bloody rose!"
The race-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.
"What's the matter! Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked.
"It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured, 'What a smooth finish.'"
"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver.
"Nothing, but then you felt my muff and yelled, 'Who the hell left the garage door open?!'"
A Priest, a Minister and a Rabbi from one city were taking a car ride to a conference on world religions. On the highway they were in an accident.
First the Priest steps out, makes the sign of the cross and says, "Oh, God, thank you for letting us survive."
Then the Minister crosses himself and says, "Thank you dear Lord for protecting us."
Finally the Rabbi steps out and likewise makes the sign of the cross. The Priest and Minister look at each other.
Baffled, the Minister says, "We thought you didn't believe in that."
To which the Rabbi responds, "Ach no, I was just checking to make sure I have everything -- spectacles, testicles, wallet, and watch."
COMPANY POLICY TO ALL EMPLOYEES:
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP. (Sever Late-Age Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT(Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, an employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand. And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.
THE MANAGEMENT
A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced "a typical Texas" baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. One woman faints due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned, "Why? What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth!"
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "...had him circumcised."
A Chinese man had three daughters; he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest," said the eldest daughter.
He then asked his second daughter whom she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest," said the second daughter.
He finally asked his youngest daughter whom she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground," said the youngest daughter.