My doctor's receptionist called me to the desk to update my personal file. Before I could tell her that all the information she had was still correct, she asked, "Has your birth date changed?"
Jokes
Tom's jokes and funny stories, from the daily pages (2002–2004) and the joke database (2006). 2,977 items · page 62 of 75
When I go to a local discount store to get oil and filters for my car, I buy my wife a bouquet of flowers on display near the checkout counter.
During one trip, some women in line behind me were oohing and aahing about a husband getting flowers for his wife. "How often do you do that?" one asked.
Before I could answer, the cashier, more than familiar with my routine, said, "Every three months or 3,000 miles, whichever comes first."
Q. What's the difference between your boss and the bus?
A. Sometimes you miss the bus.
A very nervous man, accompanied by his nagging wife, was examined by a doctor.
After checking the chart, he nodded and wrote the man a prescription for a powerful tranquilizer.
The man asked, "How often do I take these."
"Let's start off with once every six hours. But they're not for you." replied the doctor. "They're for your wife."
A man was walking along the edge of a cliff when all of a sudden, he took a wrong step and began to fall. He furiously grabbed for the cliff and was able to dig his fingertips into the grass and dirt. There was no way he could pull himself up, and below him were rocks and sea: Sure death! He looked up at the heavens and asked, "Lord, are you up there?"
The clouds parted, and a golden chariot driven by God Himself came out of the sky toward the hapless man. God said, "Let go, My Son. I will catch you in my golden chariot and take you straight into heaven."
The man paused for just a moment, looked up at the heavens again, and asked, "Is there anybody else up there?"
I was horrified to find my son eating out of the sugar bowl. "Don't let me catch you doing that again," I scolded.
My boy was willing but dubious. "I'll try, Mommy,"
he told me, "but you're so quiet sometimes."
Q: How can you tell if a redneck has been working in your office?
A: Your monitor is up on blocks.
Money doesn't bring you happiness,
but it enables you to look for it in more places.
Misers aren't much fun to live with,
but they make great ancestors.
The trouble with bucket seats is that
not everybody has the same size bucket.
When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you're in a public restroom.
Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.
The world is full of willing people:
some willing to work and some willing to let them.
Money isn't everything....
there's credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks.
A true friend is one that lets his grass grow as tall as his neighbor's.
A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria.
Socks can eat any place they want."
Riding a power mower while doing grounds maintenance work in Southern California, I usually wear several items to protect myself, including safety glasses, dust mask, and cowboy hat. One day as I walked into our shop at lunchtime, a co-worker called out, "Look! It's the Lawn Ranger!"
You know it is a male blonde...
When he thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican phone company.
When he thinks a quarterback is a refund.
When he suggests you meet him at the corner of WALK DON'T WALK.
When the bottom of an application form says "Sign here", and he puts "Leo".
When on his job applications, he puts "Hooked on Phonics" for education.
If it takes him two hours to watch "60 Minutes."
Q A (Pun Style)
Q: What do you get when you cross a bee with a quarter pound of beef?
A: A humburger.
Q: What is a cheerleader's favorite soft drink?
A: Root beer!
Q: What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
A: Sanka.
Q: When are cooks cruel?
A: When they beat the eggs and whip the cream.
Q: What can be served but never eaten?
A: A tennis ball.
Q: What do baseball players eat on?
A: Home plates!
Q: What was the reporter doing at the ice cream shop?
A: Getting the scoop!
Q: How do you fix a broken tomato?
A: With tomato paste.
I was watching that "Most Wanted" show, and I saw a piece about a man who was robbing convenience stores and beating up the clerks. I thought, "Well, I'm on the road a lot. I have a fair chance of nabbing this guy."
One afternoon I stopped at a convenience store, and I SAW HIM! He was walking right out of the store! Even though I was scared, I went right over there and jumped on him.
I took him down to the ground and started beating on him.
Within moments, the cops arrived, but they arrested ME.
It turns out that actors are used on that show.
Sam and Max were psychologists, and the best of friends. Sam's practice was based upon the theories of Sigmund Freud, but Max relied more upon the theories of Carl Jung. One wintry night, as they were walking home from the community college where they had just given a lecture, Sam slipped on the ice and did a swan dive into the sidewalk.
Dazed, he looked up to see his friend regarding him thoughtfully. "Well, what is it?" he snapped.
Max extended his hand and said, "Sorry, but it's just that this is the first time I've actually SEEN a Freudian slip."
I was in a church meeting where the topic was "Burial or Cremmation?" was discussed. Two of the people got rather worked up.
One said to the other, "If you have yourself cremated, all you will be doing is making an ash of yourself!"
The other replied, "Well, I'm told that petroleum comes from fossilized bones, so if you have yourself buried all you will be doing is making a fuel of yourself!"
On an out of town business trip, after a meeting in the afternoon and the obligatory dinner that evening with the client, I went to my hotel room, watched some late-night TV and turned in at about midnight. After tossing and turning for over an hour I decided to give it up for a time and go down to the hotel bar for a drink.
At that time of night - it was now close to 1:30 - the bar was almost deserted. As I slid onto a barstool I noticed a lonely looking guy at the end of the bar just sitting, without a drink in front of him, just looking down at his hands.
When the bartender roused himself, came over and asked, "What'll you have?" I replied, "Let me have a bourbon old fashion, and see what the guy at the end of the bar is drinking."
When the drinks came, the man at the end of the bar raised his glass in a gesture of thanks and all was silent for a time. When I finished my drink I called to the bartender for another, adding, "But this time, leave out the fruit."
The other guy stiffened, visibly angry, and shouted, "Screw you mister, I didn't want the first drink!"
An Indian fell into an outhouse and got trapped for a very long time. After a long time a man came and fished him out. The man asked the Indian how long he had been in there. The Indian replied, "I've seen many moons!"
When the surgeon came to see his blonde patient on the day after her operation, she asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be before she could resume her sex life.
"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it" replied the stunned surgeon. "You're the first one ever to ask that after a tonsillectomy."
Bizarre Holidays in February
February 4 is Create A Vacuum Day
February 6 is Lame Duck Day
February 8 is Kite Flying Day
February 13 is Get A Different Name Day
February 16 is Do A Grouch A Favor Day
February 19 is National Chocolate Mint Day
February 20 is Hoodie Hoo Day
February 23 is International Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day
February 27 is International Polar Bear Day
February 28 is Public Sleeping Day
For years, a man was oblivious to the fact that his image was featured on Taster's Choice coffee labels.
Russell Christoff, a former model from Northern California, posed for a two-hour Nestle photo shoot in 1986 but figured it was a bust until he came across his picture while shopping for bloody mary mix at a drug store in 2002.
Now, Christoff is $15.6 million richer after a jury ordered Nestle USA to pay him for using the likeness without his permission and profiting from it. Some might ask why Christoff didn't notice the image sooner, but he has a simple reason for that.
"I don't buy Taster's Choice," he said. "I do beans." Well, there you go.
Here is a segment from a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
A young man who wants to see the world signs on to a tramp steamer to be trained as a helmsman. He masters the classroom instruction, then starts his practical training on the wheel of the vessel. In his first lesson, the mate gives him a heading, and the young fellow holds to it.
Then the mate orders, "Come starboard."
Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard is, the young man leaves the helm and walks over to his instructor.
The mate has an incredulous look on his face as the helm swings freely. Then, rather gently considering the circumstance, he asks politely, "Could you bring the ship with you?"
Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. Skillfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan deftly dishes himself a large portion of noodles into his bowl, then tops it off with some chicken and cashew nuts. All this is done with consummate ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master.
Poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chopsticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself.
Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, "Use the FORKS, Luke."
The following is a sample list of "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot...
The First World War, cause by the assignation of the ArchDuck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assassinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. The Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea.
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise Regained."
As the wife of a lance corporal in the Marines, I have found the base commissary to have very long lines. After an interminable wait, a friend of mine had almost made it to the checkout counter.
From nowhere, a woman with a cart load of groceries pushed her way forward exclaiming, "I have to go next! I'm invited to a party at the general's house tonight."
Annoyance showed on many faces, until someone farther down the line spoke up. "You can go to the end of the line," she said. "I'm the one giving the party."
A man picks up his golf-indifferent girlfriend after he has come from the links. While he's driving the tees in his pocket fall out. His girlfriend asks, "Harry, what are those things that just fell out of your pockets?"
"Oh, those are called tees. I put my balls on them when I'm driving."
"Oh, well. Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer."
My boss is without peer when it comes to the rules and regulations that customs officials must follow. But when it comes to the law, well, that's a different story.
We were attending a court case in which we were prosecuting a smuggler. The judge asked the court, "Who is making these allegations?"
My boss stood up and proclaimed, "I am the alligator, your honor."
Farmer Jones had heard that the best milk comes from contented cows. Therefore, he'd visit them every morning and tell them jokes. The cows laughed and laughed, and they gave excellent milk. However, the news got around and no one else was much amused.
Thus, his cows became the laughing stock of the community.
After a day of grueling maneuvers under the blazing Texas sun, the platoon stood in front of the barracks. "All right, ladies, think about this," bellowed the drill instructor. "If you could have ten minutes alone, right now, with anyone in the world, who would it be?"
Amid much mumbling, one voice was heard from the back row.
"My recruiter."
A friend of mine is an officer in the naval reserve. A few weeks ago, he was attending a conference that included admirals in both the US and the French navies.
At a cocktail reception, my friend found himself in a small group that included an admiral from each of the two navies.
The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans learned only English. He then asked. "Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you have to speak French?"
Without even hesitating, the American admiral replied. "Maybe it is because we arranged it so that you did not have to learn to speak German."
The group became silent.
Knowing I had completed a 20 year career in the Air Force, when a friend asked me what job I had, I told him I was a pilot. Sensing he was in the presence of greatness and wanted to be sure he heard correctly he asked again,
"Were you really a pilot?"
"Sure," I said. When the supply truck came every morning, the sergeant looked at me and said, "Hey, you. Pile it over there."
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that gun..."
An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know I live by the railway, well on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway to cut a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky sonofabitch. Was she pretty?"
"Dunno... never found the head!"
Four gay guys shared a house, one day 3 died in a wreck. David (the surviving) was asked to plan the funeral arrangements of Ralph, George and John.
David: Well Ralph wanted to be cremated and his ashes spread over the mountains, because he loved the mountains so much.
Undertaker: That is so sweet.
David: Well George wanted to be cremated and his ashes spread over the ocean, because he loved the ocean so much.
Undertaker: That is so sweet.
David: And John, I want him cremated and his ashes put in a bowl of chili.
Undertaker: (Shocked) A bowl of chili?
David: Yes, a bowl of chili.
Undertaker: Why?
David: Because I want him to tear my ass up just one more time.
"I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis.
I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis. I don't know how I pulled through it.
It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had."
Beau Bridges took a meterology course in which the instructor was describing how hail is formed much higher than the usual rain clouds.
When he asked where specifically it happened, he was told, "Somewhere over the rain, Beau."
A class from a nearby university was visiting a major drug manufacturer. The tour guide led the students to a glass enclosed room. They could see several people in white lab coats. With her back to the glass, the guide announced:
"In this room researchers are actively searching for a cure for cancer."
She stopped short as the group broke out laughing. Puzzled, the guide turned to look. Through the glass she saw three scientists in animated debate, flipping through the Yellow Pages.
The congregation liked their new clergyman, but were somewhat puzzled by his speaking style. His first sermon ran only 8 minutes; the second Sunday he spoke for 45 minutes; the third week he rattled on for an hour-and-a-half. That was enough for the Board to summon him for a little chat.
To their relief, Wilkerson had a ready explanation. "The Saturday before the first sermon, I had my teeth pulled and my mouth was still terribly sore. But, by the time a week had gone by, I'd gotten used to my new dentures." Here the minister paused, and blushed deeply. "And as for last Sunday. . . well, I'm afraid that I picked up my wife's set of teeth by mistake!"
Michael J. Fox on creating a name for his foundation, now the Michael J. Fox Foundation for Parkinson's Research:
At one point, I thought I had come up with a terrific name, PDCure. Before I took it to the board, I thought I'd try it out on my wife Tracy. I wrote the name on a piece of paper, put it in front of her, and asked, "What do you think?"
After a beat, she looked up at me and said flatly, "Pedicure?"
Because my mother had a habit of losing her cordless phone, I bought her a phone with a clip on it so she could attach it directly to her belt. A few days later, I walked into my mother's home and found her standing in the middle of the living room, halfway dressed.
That didn't strike me as odd so much as the fact that she was holding her pants to the side of her head and speaking into them.
"Don't look at me that way," she yelled. "The phone started ringing and I couldn't figure out how to undo this stupid clip!"