Tom's jokes and funny stories, from the daily pages (2002–2004) and the joke database (2006). 2,977 items · page 69 of 75
A young Amish boy, Little Johnny, is sitting on his bed reading the Bible. Suddenly, his father storms in, grabs him and drags him out into the pasture.
In the pasture is one sheep chewing grass. His father points to the sheep and says, "Thou hast had sex with yon sheep!"
Little Johnny kneels and says, "Father forgive me for I did indeed spill my seed in yon lowly beast."
Saddened his father says, "Thou art forgiven my son. But know this... there will be REAL trouble if I taste it again."
A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong e-mail address!
A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned Home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages of condolence from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 January 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e- mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found the secret of inner peace! The article read:
"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."
So...
I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished and, before coming to work this morning, I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white, the Bailey's, Kahlua and Tia Maria, all my dope, some valium, all my cigarettes and a box of chocolates!
YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW BLOODY GOOD I FEEL...
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Conclusion:
Eat drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.
While visiting my mother in the hospital, I stopped in the cafeteria for breakfast. I set a piece of bread on the moving toaster rack and waited for it to pass under the heated coils and return golden brown.
Instead, it got stuck at the back of the toaster, and I couldn't reach it. The woman next to me in line quickly seized a pair of tongs, reached in, and fished out the piece of toast.
I joked, "You must be an emergency room worker."
"No," she replied with a grin. "I'm an obstetrician."
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty. He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there.
"No," the man replied, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the first man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"
The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This will be the first Super bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."
A man was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so decided to stop at a little cottage and ask for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention.
The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. The housewife replied: "Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family followed an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand painted sign:
"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust."
A high-school geometry teacher, started one lesson on triangles by reading a theorem. "If an angle is an exterior angle of a triangle, then its measure is greater than the measure of either of its corresponding remote interior angles."
He noticed that one student wasn't taking notes and asked him why.
"Well," he replied sincerely, "I'm waiting until you start speaking English."
An infantry brigade was training in the summer heat, learning methods to counter Soviet offensive tactics. That summer, the area had experienced an infestation of rattlesnakes. Officers and NCOs were given one magazine of live ammunition to counter this danger, as several men had already been bitten.
So much ammunition was expended shooting, supposedly, at snakes that the post commander demanded that every officer and NCO who had shot at a snake present the dead snake as proof that the expenditure of rounds was justifiable.
The next day, the post commander entered his office and spotted a shoe box on his desk. He opened it, revealing a sleepy and sluggish, but very live, rattlesnake. Inside the box were twenty expended cartridges, and a short note. The note said, "I missed!"
I heard this on the radio while driving into work this morning and thought the men on the list might find it useful (or at least amusing). According to researcher Patty Lamberti, following are the ten things all women need to hear from the man in their lives...
1. "You're beautiful." Don't just tell her she's beautiful when she's dressed up. Tell her first thing in the morning, or during a quiet moment.
2. "You're a great lover." Make sure you tell her how great her skills are, especially if you'd like to try something new.
3. "You're so smart." Be sure to tell her how much you value her greatest assether mind.
4. "You're my best friend." If your relationship is to last, this should be the truth, not just something you tell her.
5. "You're the most important thing to me." Make sure she knows she outranks everything.
6. "I would never lie to you." And make sure this isn't a lie!
7. "I have never cheated on you." Make sure your woman knows she has no reason to suspect you.
8. "I'd be lost without you." A woman wants to know that you don't just want her and love her, you also NEED her.
9. "You're funny." The couple that laughs together stays together.
10. "I love you." These words are often the hardest for men to say. But there's nothing a woman would rather hear.
I was driving down a lonely country road one cold winter day when it began to sleet pretty heavily.
My windows were getting icy and my wiper blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain. Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on my front window I suddenly had a great idea. I stopped and began to overturn large rocks until I located two very lethargic hibernating rattle snakes. I grabbed them up, straightened them out flat and installed them on my blades and they worked just fine.
What! You've never heard of wind chilled vipers?
Curious when I found two black-and-white negatives in a drawer, I had them made into prints. I was pleasantly surprised to see that they were of a younger, slimmer me, taken on one of my first dates with my husband.
When I showed him the photos, his face lit up. "Wow, look at that!" he said with appreciation. "It's my old Plymouth!"
A New York judge is ready to go through the day's business and he is very rushed. The first case up involves an elderly Jewish gentleman with a long beard, payos, the works.
The judge, without asking a question, says to the clerk: "Quick...get me a translator."
Translator shows up and the judge says: "Ask him what his name is, how old is he and where does he come from?"
The translator says: "Die judge vilt vissen, vos is dein namen, vie alt bist du, and fun vie kumst du?"
The old man smiles, looks at the judge and says in perfect English with a British accent: "Your Honour. My name is Sir Chaim Ginsbug. I shall be 82 next Thursday and I've come from England where I hold the chair of Hebrew Philosophy at Oxford University."
The translator turns to the judge and says: "Ehr zukt, ehr is Sir Chaim Ginsburg, ehr is tzwei und achtzig yur alt, und ehr is, mit sach Yiddish philisoph, areingekummen fun Oxford."
This is a story about a popular young Rabbi, who on Sabbath eve announces to his congregation that he will not renew his contract. He explains that he is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.
Sol Epstein, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and proclaims, "If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every 3 years and his wife with a Honda mini-van to help with the children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Goldstein, the entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the Rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee his kids get a fine college education!"
More sighs and loud applause.
Sadie Goldfarb, age 70, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Rabbi stays, I'll give him sex!"
There is total silence.
The Rabbi, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Sadie answers, "I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Screw the Rabbi.'"
A Texan, trying to impress a Boston native with tales about the heroes of the Alamo, says... "Why, I'll bet you never had anyone so brave around Boston."
"Humpf! Ever hear of Paul Revere?" asked the Bostonian.
"Paul Revere?!" said the Texan. "Isn't he the guy who ran for help?"
There's a scuba diving geologist who has made it his business to measure the relative sizes of the rises, drops, cavities and undulations of coral formations. Of course this can only be done in the summer months so he takes the winters off to avoid the frigid air.
You may tag him as a frost-free reef ridge rater.
A blonde is on board a small two seater plane when suddenly the pilot dies. Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio. "Mayday, Mayday! My pilot just died!" she screams.
Ground control receives her call for help and answers back: "Don't worry, madam. I'll talk you down, just do as I say. First I need you to give me your height and position"
"I'm 5"2' and sitting in the front"
There are two polite people having dinner together. On the table there is a dish with one big piece of fish and one small piece of fish.
They politely say to each other: "You may choose first."
"No, you may choose first."
And this goes on for a while.
Then the first person says: "OK, I'll take first."
And he takes the BIG piece of fish.
The second person: "Why did you take the big piece? That's not polite!"
The first person says: "Which piece would 'you' have taken?"
The second person replies: "Why, I would have taken the SMALL piece, of course."
The first person says: "Well, that's what you have now!"
Employers listed the "most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates.
What is it that you people do at this company?"
"Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"
"What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"
"Why do you want references?"
"Do I have to dress for the next interview?"
"Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"
"Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"
"Does your health insurance cover pets?"
"Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"
"Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"
"Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"
"Sometimes I feel like smashing things."
"Once a week, I usually feel hot all over."
"I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker."
"If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival."
"I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me."
"I think I'm going to throw-up."
A wealthy New York businessman who sent his two daughters to the University of California's Los Angeles campus in the hope that they would find something unusual to study there that would stir them out their apathy. He was considerably alarmed, however, when they wrote back to tell him that they both had decided to specialize in research on ancient Egyptian plumbing.
He immediately sent them a telegram which read, "Under no circumstances will I support a couple of Pharaoh Faucet Majors!"
A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: "Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2004 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"
Larry goes to his High School class reunion. Having not seen anyone in twenty five years he's very curious as to who might show up.
When he gets there he runs into Marilyn, his old high school sweetheart. They sit down and talk about the past.
"How have you been?" he asks.
"I've been fine, just fine," she replies, "Although I do have some good news and a little bad news, though."
"Bad news first, Marilyn."
"Well, a few weeks ago I had to have a hysterectomy."
"Oh my, that's too bad. I'm sorry to hear that."
"But the good news is the doctor found your old high school class ring you thought you lost!"
After driving up and down several lanes, I finally found a parking spot at the shopping mall. I noticed another man driving very slowly in the same direction, and, since he was closer, I gave him the "Are you going to park there?" look.
His responding gestures were very cofusing. First he shook his head. Next he pointed at me, then at the parking space and then at himself, his watch and the mall. Finishing off, he frowned, raised his palms upward and shrugged. Once I parked, I walked over to the driver to make sure he didn't want the space.
"You must be single," he replied. "If you were married, you would've known that was the universal sign for 'Go ahead and take the spot. I'm waiting for my wife.'"
A Baptist couple decide that they want to get a dog. As they are walking down the street in town, they notice that a sign in the pet shop is advertising "Christian Puppies." Their interest piqued, they go inside.
"How do you know they're Christian puppies?"
"Watch," says the owner, as he takes one of the dogs and says, "Fetch the Bible." The dog runs over to the desk, and grabs the Bible in its mouth and returns. Putting the Bible on the floor, the owner says, "Find Psalm 23." The dog flips pages with its paw until he reaches the right page, and then stops. Amazed and delighted, the couple purchase the dog and head home.
That evening, they invite some friends over and show them the dog, having him run through his Psalm 23 routine. Impressed, one of the visitors asks "Does he also know 'regular' commands?"
"Gee, we don't know. We didn't ask," replies the husband.
Turning to the dog, he says, "Sit." The dog sits. He says, "Lie down." The dog lies down. He says "Roll over." The dog rolls over.
He says "Heel." The dog runs over to him, jumps up on the sofa, puts both paws on the owner's forehead and bows his head.
"Oh look!" the wife exclaims. "He's Pentecostal!"
The FBI and the DEA are joining efforts and will be assigning some of their agents to a quasi-FBI/DEA enforcement team specifically targeting the illegal allergy pills sales that occur on the black market.
The agents will be called "Pseudo Feds."
"George is so forgetful," the sales manager complained to his secretary. "It's a wonder he can sell and I'm not sure he'll even remember to come back."
Just then the door flew open, and in bounced George. "You'll never guess what happened!" he shouted. "While I was at lunch, I met Old Man Brown, who hasn't bought anything from us for five years. Well, we got to talking and he gave me this half-million dollar order!"
"See," sighed the sales manager to his secretary. "I told you he'd forget the sandwiches."
I sat there waiting for my new doctor to make his way through the file that contained my very extensive medical history.
After he finished all seventeen pages, he looked at me and said, "Bill... you look better in person than you do on paper."
Father Murphy was playing golf with a parishioner. On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter, "Hoover!" under his breath.
On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard. "Hoover!" again, a little louder this time.
On the third hole, a miracle occured Fr. Murphy's drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! "Praise be to God!"
He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. "HOOVER!"
By this time, his opponent couldn't withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said "Hoover".
"It's the biggest dam I know." he replied.
Amanpreet walked into the paint section of the hardware store and says to the assistant, "I'd like a pint of canary-yellow paint."
"Certainly," says the clerk. "Mind if I ask why you need it?"
"My parakeet," says Preet. "See, I want to enter him in a canary contest. He sings so sweetly that I know he's sure to win."
"Well, you can't do that!" the assistant says. "The chemicals in the paint will almost certainly kill the poor thing!"
"No, they won't."
"Listen, man, I'll bet you ten bucks your parakeet dies if you try to paint him."
"You're on!" Amanpreet says.
Two days later Preet comes back looking very sheepish and puts ten bucks on the counter in front of the clerk.
"So the paint killed your bird?"
"Indirectly," Preet sighs. "He seemed to handle the paint okay, but he didn't survive the sanding between coats."
Jim Tapree was a noted Iowa agricultural scientist who spent time developing a husked species of a vegetable that would be hearty enough to grow in the weather found around 23 degrees S latitude.
Seeds were planted and the growing was monitored by Tapree and the locals who were all excited about the possibility of having a vegetable that would withstand the elements and the insects. When it was time to harvest the local newspaper praised the scientist and the vegetable and hailed it as:
the "Crop Pick of Tapree Corn"
A woman went on a tour of the White House. As the guide led her down one of the historic halls, a door burst open and a large aquatic sea mammal, balancing a beach ball on its nose, scurried past. "My, what was that?" exclaimed the woman.
"Oh, that's just the Presidential Seal," replied the guide.
After every flight, Qantas' pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
(P= The problem logged by the pilot.) (S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitudehold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
I work in a school department that is supported by educational grants. On his first day, my new boss delivered some bad news. He said, "Unfortunately your last boss failed to apply for the grant that supports your work. You will be terminated at the end of this month. Did you know that?" Admittedly, I was unprepared for this, but I was not shocked.
Two weeks before the end of my tenure, the new boss came to me. He said, "Before you go, please submit the lesson plans you would have used for the next three months."
"Oh, I'm sorry," I said, "those lesson plans were covered in the grant."
There are more churches in Las Vegas than Casinos. During Sunday services at the Offertory, some worshippers contribute Casino Chips as opposed to cash.
Some are sharing their winnings some are hoping to win. Since there are so many Casinos, the Catholic churches send all the chips into the Diocese for sorting.
Once sorted into the respective casino chips one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning the chips into cash.
He is known as The chip monk.
Bizarre British News Bits
From the Churchdown Parish Magazine:
"Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the Church labeled 'For The Sick' is for monetary donations only."
From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand:
"Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case."
From The Gloucester Citizen:
"A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards. After dialing an 0891 number from an advertisement entitled "Hear Me Moan" the caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house. Consumer Watchdogs in Dorset refused to look into the complaint, saying, "He got what he deserved."
From The Daily Telegraph in a piece headed Brussels Pays
200,000 Pounds to Save Prostitutes": "... the money will not be going directly into the prostitutes' pocket, but will be used to encourage them to lead a better life. We will be training them for new positions in hotels."
From The Derby Abbey Community News:
"We apologize for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that 'Mr. Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force.' This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr. Nicolme is a Detective in the Police Farce."
From The Times:
"A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth, was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast-guard spokesman commented, 'This sort of thing is all too common these days.'"
Wayne Brady (WHOSE LINE IS IT, ANYWAY?) still beams with pride over the greatest prank he ever pulled.
"When I was young, I took my sister's Teddy Ruxpin (talking bear) doll and turned it into a demon by putting a tape of me into it," said the comic, who hosted the syndicated WAYNE BRADY SHOW. "When she expected it to go, 'Hi, I'm Teddy,' instead it said, 'I want your soul. Listen to your brother.'
She had to obey me for two weeks. It was two weeks of bliss.
Finally she told my mother, and I got my butt kicked."
When the famous politician and orator William Jennings Bryan (1860-1925) was a young man, he went to the home of the father of his prospective wife to ask him for her hand in marriage. Bryan was determined to impress the father by quoting from the Bible, and he chose Proverbs 18:22: "He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the LORD."
Bryan was unnerved when the father replied by quoting Paul: "So then he that giveth her in marriage doeth well; but he that giveth her not in marriage doeth better." (1 Corinthians 7:38)
Bryan, never at a loss for words, said: "Yes, but Paul had no wife and Solomon had 700. Therefore, I believe Solomon ought to be the better judge as to marriage."
I was a salesman and always wore a shirt and tie which made me stand out in Key West. Tourists would walk up to me and ask me what to do at night. I would tell them that people gather at "Mallory Square" to watch the sunset. There are street performers and very interesting sights but most go there just to watch the sunset.
They would reply, "How often is that?"
My friend said that he had dogs that talked in their sleep. Skeptical, I went to see. In front of the fireplace lay a hound fast asleep. He mumbled "I've just written a best seller." Later, he said, "I've just returned from the moon."
I was impressed and said so. "But, he tells lies," I said.
"Yes, he does," said my friend. "But that's OK. When you have a talking dog, you've got to make allowances.
I find that ... it's best to let sleeping dogs lie.