Tom's jokes and funny stories, from the daily pages (2002–2004) and the joke database (2006). 2,977 items · page 72 of 75
Government Verbosity:
Pythagorean theorem: 24 words.
The Lord's prayer: 66 words.
Archimedes' Principle: 67 words.
The 10 Commandments: 179 words.
The Gettysburg address: 286 words.
The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words.
U.S. Government regulations on cabbage sales: 26,911 words.
A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it. "This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked.
"Mr. Klopman."
Bizarre Laws of FLORIDA
Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
In Pensacola, a women can be fined (only after death), for being electrocuted in a bath-tub because of using self- beautification utensils.
Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal. You may not fart in a public place after 6 P.M. on Thursdays. In Daytona Beach, the molestation of trash cans is banned.
It is considered an offense to shower naked.
In Sarasota, if you hit a pedestrian you are fined $78.00.
You may not kiss your wife's breasts.
In Sarasota, you may not catch crabs.
A long time ago there was this little Italian boy in the fields with his dad. Looking at his dad's hands, the boy say's, "Papa, you do many many things with your hands, tell me about your fingers."
"Well, Tony," Papa said. "You see this first finger? You usea thisa one to point ata what evea you wanta. You see youa thumb? You usea thisa for turna pages in a book, and your ringa finger, you will use dat to show youa married, and your little finga, you use to picka you nose. And the middle finga, well, I'lla tella you about thata one when you getta married."
Well, Tony was satisfied with that and time past. It was now Tony's wedding day. It was a beautiful wedding, just before the bride and groom left, Tony went to have a talk with Papa.
Tony said, "Papa, many a year I use this finger to point at what I want, and I turna many a pages with my thumb, I've picked my nose with this little one, now I have a beautiful ring on my finger from the love of my life. But, Papa, what is it I do with this middle finger?"
Papa drew close to Tony and said, "Tony tonight you will make mad hot love to your woman many times and you may become tired, when that happens and your woman turns to you again wanting to makea the love againa, that's when you takea your middle finga and you poka her on her head and say, 'Go back to sleep you silly woman!'"
A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn't comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself. The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband's feet.
"Are you hurt?" he asked.
"Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave once."
A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours.
Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total isolation. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine and feel despondent.
As he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries.
Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump."
The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood.
"Who said that?" he called out.
There were two horses, a white one and a black one, standing in the fenced field alongside the road. The man was amazed when the white horse repeated, "It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight and try it again."
Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.
When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said.
A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost."
"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.
The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"
The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes, it was! Am I crazy?"
"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because that black horse don't know nothing about cars."
Vacationing in Kentucky, a friend and I spent the night at a small motel outside of Louisville. In the morning, I asked the woman at the desk for directions to Churchill Downs. Not able to tell us, she called her husband from the back room.
"Churchill Downs?" he asked. "That's the race-track, isn't it?" We nodded. He hesitated and then said, "I'm pretty sure it's somewhere south of the university. I'm sorry, but I don't think I can be much help."
At that point his wife left the room. The husband looked over his shoulder to make sure she had disappeared. Then he winked at us, leaned over the counter and whispered, "Take Third Street through town, go past the university and turn right on Central Avenue. After that, just look for the twin spires. You can't miss 'em!"
A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of bestiality.
"I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he’s expensive and doesn’t know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer," he continued, "who’s not a great trial lawyer, but he’s cheap and really knows how to pick a jury."
The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began his testimony.
"I saw Jed mount his goat from behind," he said, "and when he was finished, I saw the goat turn around and lick Jed’s pecker."
The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope of acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him, "You know, a good goat will do that."
A Southern family who had just moved into a new neighborhood was anxious to make a good impression. But the damned Yankee neighbors seemed cold and made no overtures of welcome. The mother of the brood was overjoyed when finally her youngest son ran in and announced happily, "Mommy, the lady down the street asked my name today!"
"Oh, how nice!" exclaimed the mother enthusiastically. "And then what did she do?"
"Then she gave it to the policeman," the boy said.
There's a church-sponsored basketball league in the Atlanta area that makes awards to players at the end of every game. Young players will get awards for best defense, best offense, best sportsmanship, and an award for being the most "Christlike."
I asked a mother how a player would qualify for that award. "It's easy," she said. "If the crowd moans 'Oh, Jesus!' every time one particular player gets the ball, he gets the award."
The blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor had to take a paper bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.
As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face. "Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses."
"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."
I accompanied my husband to get a haircut. While flipping through a magazine I found a hairstyle that would look good on me. I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the haristyle photo.
"Well, okay," she replied, "but leave some IDa driver's license or credit card."
"But my husband is here getting his hair cut," I explained.
"Yeah... but we need something you'll come back for."
Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife of fifty years suggested they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a week, and make wild love like we did when we were young!" He thought it over and agreed.
He put on his hat and went down to the pharmacy, where he bought a bottle of seasick pills and a box of condoms. Upon returning home, his wife said ''I've been thinking. There is no reason we can't go for a month." So Mr. Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for twelve bottles of seasick pills and a box of condoms. When he returned his wife said, ''You know, since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the world?"
So back to the pharmacy he went, and brought 297 bottles of seasick pills and the same amount of condoms up to the counter. The pharmacist finally had to ask.
"You know, Mr. Johnson, you have been doing business with me for over thirty years. I certainly don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why the hell do you do it?"
Before shipping out to Europe with the Army Air Corps during World War II, my father loaned his buddy $20.00. The two were assigned to different units and lost touch. Months later, my father's plane was shot down. Bleeding from shrapnel wounds, he bailed out and was greeted by German soldiers who took him as a prisoner. After a long train ride, little food, and days of forced marching, he arrived at his assigned stalag.
As he entered the compound, he heard a familiar voice. "You followed me all the way here for a measly $20.00?"
A few years ago, there was a news story on the radio about a Jewish synagogue that had a problem with the Baptists down the street. Some Jews were unable to find a space in their own parking lot because members of the nearby Baptist church, which met earlier in the morning for revival meetings, got there first.So the Jewish synagogue had a problem.
Now they could have towed the Baptist's cars away. Or they could have patrolled their lot Saturday mornings. Or they could have written a letter to the offending church members, imploring them to park elsewhere, but they didn't.
Instead, they used bumper stickers.
One Saturday morning they stuck a bumper sticker to every car in the lot Baptist and Jewish alike. The sticker read:"I'M PROUD TO BE JEWISH !"
No more parking lot problems
Bizarre Facts About Humans
People who live in the city have longer, thicker nose hairs than people who live in the country.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every 2 weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.
Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands.
The human heart creates enough pressure while pumping to squirt blood 30 feet.
We shed an average of 40 pounds of dead skin in a lifetime.
When we blush, our stomach lining also turns red.
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
Your tongue print is as unique as your fingerprint.
We get goose bumps where our ancestors used to have hair.
On a square inch of our skin, there are 20 million micro- scopic animals.
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
PETER MARSHALL'S LIST OF FAVORITE ANSWERS FROM "HOLLYWOOD SQUARES"
According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margaret would like to start having babies soon, but her husband wants her to wait a while. Why?
PAUL LYNDE: He's out of town.
Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Dennis Weaverthat's why they asked the question.
James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did. What was it?
MARTY ALLEN: Rhonda Fleming.
Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
CHARLEY WEAVER: His feet.
Before a cow will give you any milk, she has to have something very important. What?
PAUL LYNDE: An engagement ring.
According to Robert Mitchum, one thing has ruined more actors than drinking. What?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Not drinking.
When the Lone Ranger finished with a case, he left something behind. What?
PAUL LYNDE: A masked baby.
You're on your first visit to Japan, and you head right for the Kabuki. Why?
PAUL LYNDE: It was a long plane ride.
If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Do female frogs croak?
PAUL LYNDE: If you hold their little heads under water.
True or false: Many people sleep better in their street clothes than they do in their pajamas.
PAUL LYNDE: Yes. We call them winos.
According to psychologists, when a child begins to get curious about sex, what is the one question he will most ask his mommy and daddy?
PAUL LYNDE: Where can I get some?
Why do the Hell's Angels wear leather?
PAUL LYNDE: Because chiffon wrinkles so easily.
An ugly woman walks into to a psychiatrist’s office. "My life is a mess, doctor," she began. "I am so ugly that no one will associate with me, touch me, or even talk to me. Can you help?"
"Why, certainly! Helping people feel better about themselves is my area of expertise. I can start making you feel more confident about your appearance right here and now."
"Oh, I am so grateful! What should I do first?" she asked.
"First, just walk over to the other side of the room and lie face down on my couch."
We were four frugal young teachers. But a couple times a year we treated ourselves to the best Manhattan had to offer. As we approached the famous restaurant Lutece, we questioned whether we were dressed perfectly. Could we pass as urban sophisticates?
The maitre d' met us at the door, all smiles and bows. When he took my raincoat, I began to look over the cozy little bar and anticipate the charming basket of pastry that was our appetizer. Then the maitre d' returned to our group, gingerly holding a fabric softener sheet that had fallen from my coat sleeve.
"Madam," he said, "Your Bounce."
A woman in my office recently divorced after years of marriage, had signed up for a refresher CPR course.
"Is it hard to learn?" someone asked.
"Not at all," my co-worker replied. "Basically you're asked to breathe life into a dummy. I don't expect to have any problem. I did that for 12 years."
So this guy walks into a bar and says, "Gve me two beers."
The bartender obliges him. The guy looks into his wallet and says, "Give me two more beers." So the bartender gives him two more beers. The man went on like this until he had put down ten beers, and keeps on going in his wallet and asking for two more beers.
So the bartender asks, "What's in your wallet that you keep looking at?"
So the man opens his wallet and says, "The more I drink, the prettier my wife gets."
One morning a helicopter crew from my squadron got an order to pick up a mental patient and deliver him to an aircraft carrier. The passenger boarded the copter unescorted, but when it landed on the carrier, four Marines charged in, restrained the bewildered passenger, and unceremoniously delivered him to the ship's doctor.
Then the flight crew received another message: "Replace mental patient with dental patient." The poor guy had a toothache.
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to thefirst man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"The man said, "I do Father."The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to goto heaven?""Certainly, Father," was the man's reply."Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do youwant to go to heaven?"O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me thatwhen you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were gettinga group together to go right now."
Learning new computer skills can be a challenge. An office manager in my software training class, taking nothing for granted, jotted down every word I said.
During a break I peeked over his shoulder and read what he'd written... "New Computer Trainingpassword is first name. Mine is 'Bob'."
It's not just the stock market that's been telegraphing "trouble" about the economy. The price of thoroughbreds has matched Wall Street's fluctuations. Yearlings that sold for an average of $27,295 in 1994 were fetching $54,506 in 2000. But recent sales have seen 20 percent declines from a year ago.
Moral: If you invest in horses, don't expect stable prices.
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went "ROARRRR! I soiled myself."
After giving the hired man a dressing down for being late in returning with supplies, the farmer demanded, "Okay, now let's hear how it happened, Miller."
"Well, I picked up a minister along the road," explained the hired hand, "and from there on the mules couldn't understand a word I said."
THE WASHINGTON POST asked its readers to come up with "creative new questions" you always wanted to ask somebodyanybody.
The results were more entertaining than the answers could ever be.
Who coined the phrase "to coin a phrase"?
Where do they send Siberian criminals?
Shouldn't 'brevity" be a one-syllable word?
Bizarre Animal Facts
Besides humans, the only animal that can stand on its head is the elephant.
Nearly all polar bears are left-handed.
A newborn panda is smaller than a mouse.
The heads of a freak two-headed snake will fight over food - despite sharing the same stomach.
The armadillo is the only animal - apart from man - that can catch leprosy.
Some snakes can live up to a year without eating.
Besides humans, the only animals that can suffer sunburn are pigs and horses.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
A donkey will sink in quicksand, but a mule won't.
Pigs can become alcoholics.
When hippopotamuses get upset, their sweat turns red.
An angry gorilla pokes its tongue out.
A giraffe can clean its ears with its tongue.
Deer sleep only 5 minutes a day.
A regular Friday night poker game was still going strong well after midnight when one of the players returned from the bathroom with an urgent report.
"Roger, listen," he told the host, "Walter’s in the kitchen making love to your wife."
"OK, that’s it, guys," Roger said. "This is positively the last deal."
I was having trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age. When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs, I pointed to my forehead.
"Have you seen this?" I indignantly asked my husband.
"What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?"
Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment.
"I've got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us."
"Great. Where do you live?"
"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in."
"Good. But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"
"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Everytime they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy. . . you explain the kids."
The scene is sometime in the old era when cockpits had round dials plus flight engineers and navigators. The crusty old-timer captain is breaking in a brand new navigator.
The captain opens his briefcase, pulls out a .38 and rests it on the glare panel. He asks the navigator, "Know what this is for?"
"No, sir," replies the newbie.
"I use it on navigators that get us lost," explains the captain, winking at his first officer.
The navigator then opens his briefcase, pulls out a .45 an sets it on his chart table.
"What's THAT for?" queries the surprised captain.
"Well, sir," replies the navigator, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in two's for the day. That night one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight point buck.
"Where's Henry?"
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail."
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?"
"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry."
You'd never believe it, but I bumped into a famous stuntman in a motorcycle shop the other day. He was complaining because he couldn't decide whether to buy a bike with a high top speed but poor acceleration, or one with lots of torque and a fast acceleration but a poor top speed.
Eventually he decided on the second one because it cost a lot less. After all, torque is cheap.
In the middle ages, there was a science called Alchemy. It was the forerunner of chemistry, and many men tried their luck with it, as it was believed that you could do things like turn lead into gold.
These high hopes were eventually dashed, but the practice did turn up some suprising findings. For example, it was discovered that if you put some ordinary looking herbs into sea water when the moon is full, it would instantly vanish.
After all: thyme in tide waits for no man.
Animal activist Bo Derek was horrified to learn that the Queen of England wears antique sable coats. She decided to confront the Queen over the issue, and arranged to get herself invited to an event which the Queen was also due to attend.
So a couple of months later, there they were at a very high class tea party. Rich people everywhere. Bo started looking around for the Queen. Sure enough, there she was. It was time for the confrontation!
She marched up to the Queen, and demanded an answer.
Elizabeth responded haughtily: "Some wear old fur to reign, Bo."
On a road through a desert in Arizona, a preacher named Nathaniel Evans walked every day, preaching to the many people who roared past in their cars.
"Repent, the End of the World is Nigh!" was his constant theme. One day, as he was walking, he came to a big lever in the middle of nowhere, just by the side of the road. 'Pull this to end the world' said the sign on it.
Now Nathaniel saw this as the perfect spot for him to preach, and soon many automobiles were parked nearby, the people all swayed by his powerful elocution.
All was well, until there were so many people, and so many cars, that the road was nearly blocked. Then a big 18-wheel rig came down the highway, and couldn't stop in time. The driver had a choice: run over Nathaniel, or run over the Lever.
As the driver explained to the Highway Patrol later, he actually had no choice. Pointing to the red smear on the road that used to be Nathaniel Evans, he said
"Better Nate than Lever."