Tom's jokes and funny stories, from the daily pages (2002–2004) and the joke database (2006). 2,977 items · page 20 of 75
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
This story is about an elderly couple, sitting together watching television. During one of those commercials, the husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"
After a long thoughtful silence, the wife replied during the next commercial, "You know, I don't know. I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year!"
Have you heard about the five young bulls, discussing what they wanted to be when they grew up? The first wanted to go to Rome and become a papal bull.
The second wanted to go to New York and become a bull on Wall Street.
The third wanted to go to the Windy City to become a Chicago Bull.
The fourth said he wanted to go to Beijing and be a bull in a China Shop.
The fifth said he was just going to stay in the pasture for heifer and heifer and heifer.
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening the Mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her mother saying, "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"
Old is when.... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love", and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both".
Old is when.... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
Old is when.... A sexy body on TV catches your attention and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
Old is when.... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
Old is when.... You don't care where your spouse goes just as long as you don't have to go.
Old is when.... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of the police.
Old is when.... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
Old is when.... "Getting lucky" means finding your car in the parking lot.
Old is when.... An "all nighter" means not getting up to go pee.
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"
"Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.
"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras," replied the sales clerk.
Confused, the man asked what were the types.
The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, the Presbyterian type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"
Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"
The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."
A blonde woman, a black woman and a hispanic woman were traveling across the country by jet. Half way through the trip, the pilot comes on the intercom and announces, "I have some bad news. We are having major engine trouble and a crash is inevitable, so please prepare yourself."
The blonde immediately opens her purse and frantically touches up her makeup. The Hispanic woman says, "What are you doing? We're going to crash! We're not going to a party!"
The blonde answers, "I know, but I heard that they always save the beautiful people first in a crash."
The Hispanic woman then goes through her purse and puts on every bit of jewelry she has and puts on the beautiful new sweater she was taking to her mother as a gift.
The black woman see this and asks, "Girl, are you crazy? What are you doing?"
The Hispanic woman says, "I heard, that in a crash, they always look for the rich people first."
The black woman then jumps up and removes her skirt and panties. The other two women ask her what she is doing.
"I don't know where you two get your information, but when I see a plane crash on the news, the most important thing is finding the black box!"
A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible. That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with it's gorgeous red paint work. An empty check tub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?
With that thought, there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the Auto Club and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.
"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?"
Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."
"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.
"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?"
"Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.
Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK. How many times a week do I have to do that?"
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
Tommy had reached school age. His mother managed with a blast of propaganda to make him enthusiastic about the idea. She bought him lots of new clothes, told him of the new friends he'd meet and so on.
Came the first day, he eagerly went off and came back home with a lot of glowing reports about school.
Next morning when she woke him up, he asked "What for?" She told him it was time to get ready for school.
"What? Again?" he asked.
Presidential Pervert Quiz
A - Bill Clinton
B - Warren G. Harding
C - Andrew Jackson
D - Thomas Jefferson
E - Lyndon B. Johnson
F - John F. Kennedy
G - Franklin D. Roosevelt
H - George Washington
1. Which president smoked marijuana with a nude playgirl while he joked about being too wasted to "push the button" in case of nuclear attack?
2. Which president allegedly had affairs with both a winner AND a finalist in the Miss America pageant?
3. Which president had sex with one of his secretaries stretched out atop a desk in the oval office?
4. Which president allegedly had an affair (as well as children) with a slave who was his wife's half sister?
5. Which president called his mistress "Pookie"?
6. Which president married a woman who hadn't yet divorced her first husband, and was branded an "adulterer" during his re-election campaign?
7. Which future president wrote love letters to his neighbor's wife while he was engaged to someone else?
8. Which president had a torrid affair with the first lady's personal secretary?
9. Which president had sex with a young woman in a White House coat closet - at one point, while a secret service agent prevented the hysterical first lady from attacking them?
10. Which president had sex in a closet while telling his partner about the *other* president who did the same in a closet?
11. Which vice president was ticked off because he felt that HIS record of sexual conquests was much more "impressive" (i.e. numerous) than the President's?
12. Which future president, while a college student, enjoyed showing off his p***s (which he named Jumbo)?
GO TO THE BOTTOM FOR ANSWERS
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."
Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea. But I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."
A Catholic minister went into deepest Africa in an attempt to work with and convert the tribe to the Catholic religion. He wasn't able to speak the language very well, so he hired a member of the tribe to help translate what he wanted to say to the tribe. He asked for and received permission from the Chief of the tribe, to speak to the whole tribal population at once. He got up on a very large boulder that overlooked the central area of the tribal village. As he spoke, his translator was by his side on the boulder, and he translated all that the minister was saying.
"If you let me- I will show you how to dig in the ground and get good water to drink and cook with". "Hoon-gow-wa!" was the large response from the tribes people.
"I can show you how you can capture animals without leaving your village". "Hoon-gow-wa" shouted all the tribe!! (By this time-the minister was very happy with his effort)
"And if you will let me- I will show you a way to make peace with the other tribes that are trying to take your land and your women". "HOON-GOW-WA" was the enormous response, that was so loud, that it scared away the wild birds in the nearby trees!
This was the end of his talk and he was a large feast and much dancing. The minister was well received by the tribe indeed! Later that afternoon, the translator came up to the minister and said "The Chief of our people said that you have given him much joy. As a sign of his appreciation, he would like to take you on a tour of animals and tribal land".
Well, the Minister was absolutely delighted at the acceptance that he had been shown! He Thanked the Chief and told him that he felt honored by the Chief's offer. So the Chief, Minister, translator, and four worriers went walking through the small kingdom. As the Chief gave the minister the guided tour, the translator explained the different places that the Chief was showing the minister. He was shown a large sparkling stream- that was their water source. They they all walked up a steep knoll that overlooked a large area that was bountiful in deer and elk- that was the meat supply. Then after another hour of walking, the party came on a very large lush green pasture that looked to have about a 100 cows (to the best guess of the Minister), the Chief said something to the translator and pointed, and the Minister asked "What did he say?"
"My Chief tells you to watch your step on this path, and to be careful not to step in the Hoon-Gow-Wa".
ANSWERS TO PRESIDENTIAL QUIZ
(1. F) - (2. A) - (3. E) - (4. D) - (5. A) - (6. C) - (7. H, E) (8. G, F) - (9. B) - (10. F) - (11. E) - (12. E)
When you are sad .....
I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the scum-sucking evil one who made you sad.
When you are blue .....
I'll try to dislodge whatever's choking you.
When you smile .....
I'll know you finally got laid.
When you are scared .....
I will rag you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried .....
I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
When you are confused .....
I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.
When you are sick .....
Stay the hell away from me until you're well again --
I don't want whatever it is you have.
When you fall .....
I will point and laugh at your clumsy butt.
But when you REALLY, REALLY need a friend ...
You know I'll drop everything and I'll BE there.
This is my oath ..... I pledge it till the end.
Why? You might ask .....
Because you're my friend.
"QUIZ FOR PEOPLE WHO KNOW EVERYTHING:"
1. There's one "sport" in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. What is it?
2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?
4. Name the only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball?
5. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
6. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
7. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw." They are all common. Name two of them.
8. There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them?
9. Where are the lakes that are referred to in the "Los Angeles Lakers?"
10. There are seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls--- a walk--- is one way. Name the other six.
11. It's the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it?
12. Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet that begin with the letter "S."
Answers:
1. Boxing.
2. Niagara Falls. The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.
3. Asparagus and rhubarb.
4. Baseball.
5. Strawberry.
6. The pear grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the whole growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.
7. Dwarf, dwell, and dwindle.
8. Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.
9. In Minnesota. The team was originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers and kept the name when they moved west.
10. Batter hit by a pitch; passed ball; catcher interference; catcher drops third strike; fielder's choice; and being designated as a pinch runner.
11. Lettuce.
12. Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, snowshoes, stockings.
A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.
The brunette told her, "There is a way to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the odometer on your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.
About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "So...did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"
A small boy stunned his parents when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters.
Finally his mother said, "Where did you get all that money?"
"At Sunday School," the boy replied nonchalantly. "They have bowls of it."
A college student goes to the school therapist. During the session, the therapist asks, "How is your sex life?"
"I have a lot of issues with sex," the student replies.
"What kind of issues?" the therapist asks.
"Oh, mostly Hustler and Penthouse..."
Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex
Here are the Top 20 reasons chocolate is better than sex!
1) You can GET chocolate. 2) "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9) The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/ desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12) You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13) With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14) Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15) You can have chocolate at any tme of the month.
16) Good chocolate is easy to find.
17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19) When you have great chocolate it doesn't keep your neighbors awake
20) With chocolate size doesn't matter. It's ALL good!
A man walks into a bar sits down and say, "Bartender, got any specials today?" Bartender says, "Yes, we have mixture of Pabst Blue Ribbon and Smirnoff Vodka."
Man says, "Damn, what the hell is that?"
Bartender says, "Well we call it a 'Pabst Smir'!"
A group on nuns were traveling in a car when it got a flat tire. They got out and tried to change it, but being rather unworldly did not know how to do it. Luckily, a truck came along and the male driver offered to change it for them. They gladly accepted.
As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack. "Son-of-a-bitch!" he yelled.
The eldest nun said to him, "That is not nice language. We understand that you are upset, but you mustn't use such language."
"Sorry, Sister," he said, and tried again. Again it slipped, this time almost mashing his fingers. "Son-of-a-bitch!" he yelled again.
"Please, don't use such language. If changing our tire is causing you to do so, it would be better if you didn't help us."
"But I get so upset, and it just comes out."
"Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset, something like 'Sweet Jesus, help me.'"
So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. Again it slipped. He started to say "Son...", but he corrected himself and said, "Sweet Jesus help me."
At that, the car floated up into the air by itself.
The nuns looked at the car and said, "Son-of-a-bitch!"
The most DANGEROUS Snake in the WORLD!!!
NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake)
LOCATION: Throughout the world
DESCRIPTION: One-eyed, with mushroom-shaped head (other types come with extra layers of skin). Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. (Spit can reach distances up to 2-3 feet) Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood & subspecies.
SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. Beware: It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen!
HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.
ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.
WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED:
TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.
CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.
SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.
SEARCHING FOR ANTI-VENOM:
1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.
2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.
3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive, very rigid and start spitting. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked.
4. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.
CONCLUSION:
This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin, and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.
A man is seated at a restaurant. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt, and with legs that won't quit, comes to his table. "What would you like, sir?"
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame, top to bottom, and says "A quickie."
She walks away in disgust. After regaining her composure, she returns. "What would you like, sir?"
Again the man thoroughly checks her out. "A quickie, please."
Her anger takes over. She slaps him across the face with a resounding SMACK and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over. "Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."
The Handwriting on the Wall
A wary mother returned from the store
lugging groceries through the kitchen door.
Awaiting her arrival was her 8 year old son,
Anxious to relate what his younger brother had done.
"While I was out playing and Dad was on a call,
T.J. took his crayons and wrote on the wall!
It's on the new paper you just hung in the den.
I told him you'd be mad at having to do it again."
She let out a moan and furrowed her brow.
"Where is your little brother now?"
She emptied her arms and with a purposeful stride, she marched to his closet where he'd gone to hide.
She called his full name as she entered his room.
He trembled with fear - he knew that meant doom!
For the next 10 minutes, she ranted and raved about the expensive wallpaper and how she had saved.
Lamenting the work it would take to repair, she condemned his actions and total lack of care.
The more she scolded, the madder she got,
then stomped from his room, totally distraught.
She headed for the den, to confirm her fear
When she saw what there was, her eyes flooded with tears.
The message she read pierced her soul with a dart.
It said 'I love Mommy', surrounded by a heart.
Well, the wallpaper remained, just as she found it, with an empty picture frame hung to surround it.
A reminder to, and indeed to all,
Take time to read the handwriting on the wall.
Author Unknown
A friend of mine was telling me her flight from Boston to New York was delayed, which meant she missed her connection home to Seattle. She joined a group of other passengers, all in the same boat, each hoping to book seats on the next flight out.
All of the passengers waited patiently except for one man who treated the ticket agent very rudely. "I had an aisle seat reserved and I BETTER get an aisle seat when we get on another plane," he ranted and raved.
A few minutes later the ticket agent announced that there would be room for everyone. "And, sir," she said, addressing the rude fella, "I'm happy to tell you that I was able to get you an aisle seat, sir."
The man, still mutter, picked up his carry on, grabbed his boarding pass, and headed through the door.
The agent continued, "And I'm also pleased to announce the rest of you will be seated in First Class."
Researchers released a list of foods and activities to help combat osteoporosis, the dread disorder that leaches calcium from the bones as people age. The distinguished lead scientist mounts the podium to make his announcement and gives the highlights of the list. To no one's surprise, broccoli and cauliflower are there, and the researchers also encourage regular exercise, such as walking, running, cycling or swimming to prevent calcium loss from the bones.
But, one reporter, reading ahead, shouts from the front row, "You've got kissing on the list as a way to prevent osteoporosis! There isn't any calcium in a kiss!"
The scientist replied calmly, "In a good kiss, there's enough calcium to make a bone about 6 inches long."
Last week I took my children to a restaurant. My six-year-old son asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good. God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And Liberty and justice for all! Amen!"
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"
Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."
"Really?" my son asked.
"Cross my heart." Then in a theatrical whisper he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."
Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.
He picked up his sundae and without a word walked over and placed it in front of the woman.
With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes, and my soul is good already."
If truth is beauty, how come no one has her hair done in the library? --Lily Tomlin
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. --Jim Carrey
I'm always relieved when someone delivers a eulogy, and I realize I'm listening to it. --George Carlin
People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two complete strangers sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine. --David Letterman
I'm odd-looking. Sometimes I think I look like a Muppet. --Angelina Jolie
I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks. --Steve Martin
Comedy is acting out optimism. --Robin Williams
Approaching eighty-five years of age, Mrs. Harris finally decided it was time to give up her apartment in New York and move to Miami. She was given the name of a Florida realtor, who enthusiastically drove her all over Miami, extolling the virtues of every apartment they looked at.
"And this one, what a steal," he rhapsodized, "the investment of a lifetime. Why, in ten years it's gonna be worth three times..."
"Sonny," interrupted Mrs. Harris, "at my age I don't even buy green bananas."
When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this.
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and lie down on your bed.
Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement, "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested".
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson."
HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS WORSE THAN YOURS!
A kind-hearted motorist saw a man struggling to change a tire alongside the highway, and pulled over to see whether he could help.
The man had a very red face, and a dark smear across it where he'd wiped off sweat with dirty hands. His tie was undone and his shirt collar askew, and it was clear he had also wiped his hands on his once-white shirt.
Close to him stood an immaculately neat woman who was speaking in quick, agitated tones.
"Hello, there," said the motorist. "Say, I've changed a lot of tires. . . maybe I can help here."
"You sure can," the man with the flat tire replied wearily. "My wife is an expert, too. If you will just do all the arguing with her about how this tire ought to be changed, I can concentrate on the dirty work and get the job done."
The phrase - "Hello, world, here's a song that we're singing, come on get happy." is from what television sitcom?
The Cowsills
The Brady Bunch
Family Ties
The Partridge Family
Mary went to the doctor complaining of body odor.
"Do you wash?" the doctor asked the smelly young girl.
"Oh, yes," Mary answered. "Each morning, I start at my head and wash down as far as possible. Then I start at my feet and I wash up as far as possible."
"Well," the doctor concluded, "Go home and wash 'possible'!"
Yikes! What a year! Joseph forgot to make reservations at the Bethlehem Inn. (His carpentry projects aren't the only thing made out of wood!) So they stick us in this stable full of stale hay and stinking animals and guess what?
I go right into labor! "No problem," my obstetrician said, "make the trip."
Anyway, we have a new baby boy that we think is truly special, but it's been a madhouse ever since. First, we can't agree on a name. Joseph likes Immanuel; I'm holding out for Jesus. Next, all these shepherds stop by to gawk (as if the smell wasn't bad enough already!). At least these three camel jockeys brought gifts (ever try to exchange myrrh without a receipt?). We can't get a good night's sleep with that stupid star shining through the cracks in the ceiling, and every store in town is sold out of swaddling.
Well, got to go. Joseph had another one of his goofy visions, so I guess we're off to Egypt. This time, I make the reservations!
All my love,
Mary
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears. She answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to the other ear?"
"The son of a bitch called back!"
Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.
The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and for $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."
The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.
The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."
The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.
"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.
"Hell, no," replies the old lady. "I want four times in the rocking chair!"
A cabby picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun go down on me."
She thinks a bit and then responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
80 Year Old Birthday Girl
A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water. As the bartender gives her, her drink she says "it's my birthday today and I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink in fact I'll take care of this one for you."
As the women finishes her drink the woman to her right says, "I guess I should buy you a drink."
The old woman says, "All right. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water."
"All right," says the bartender.
As she finishes her drink the man to her right says, "Since I'm the only one around you that hasn't bought you a drink I guess I might as well buy you one."
The old woman says, "All right. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says, "Ma'am I'm dying of curiosity.
Why the scotch and only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies, "Sunny you learn that when your my age you can hold your liquor but you sure can't hold your water."