There was a young maid from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass:
Not pretty and pink --
As you'd probably think --
T'was gray with long ears, and ate grass.
Jokes
Tom's jokes and funny stories, from the daily pages (2002–2004) and the joke database (2006). 2,977 items · page 22 of 75
This guy was deer hunting in North Carolina. He shoots a deer, and as he is dragging it back to his truck, he gets stopped by this redneck Game Warden who asks to see his hunting license. The hunter shows him the license, and is about to leave when the Game Warden says "Not so fast, Boy. I need to inspect the deer."
The Game Warden then reaches down, sticks his finger up the deer's butt, pulls it out then sniffs his finger.
The Game Warden gets angry then says "Wait a minute Boy! This here ain't no North Carolina deer; this here is a Virginia deer! You need to have a Virginia Hunting License to hunt this deer. You got a Virginia Hunting License on you Boy?"
Well, it just so happens that the guy had been hunting in Virginia the week before. He goes back into his wallet hand pulls out a Virginia Hunting License.
The Game Warden looks at the valid license and disappointingly says, "Well.... OK, I guess I'll have to let you go. I really do enjoy writing up Boys like you who hunt deer without a license, but you look like you got everything in order. So go on, get out of here."
The following week, the guy is hunting again. He shoots another deer and as he is dragging it back to his truck, he gets stopped by the same Game Warden who says "Just a minute Boy. I need to inspect the deer."
He reaches down, sticks his finger up the deer's butt, pulls it out, sniffs his finger and says, "Boy! This here is a South Carolina deer! You got a South Carolina Hunting License?"
The Hunter, somewhat surprised, said that he had one in the truck. He goes and gets it out of the glove box, shows it to the Game Warden, who again has to let him go.
So this goes on for the next three weeks. Each week the hunter shoots a deer; one from Georgia, Tennessee, and West Virginia. Each time the Game Warden stops to do the Finger Test, and each time the hunter is able to produce the correct license.
Finally, after the West Virginia deer, the Game Warden is furious, "Boy! You got a hunting license from every state in the south! Where the hell are you from, anyway?"
The hunter drops his pants, bends over and says "You tell me!"
One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as "Rocky", in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave him some goodies, he returned for more.
"Aren't you the same 'Rocky' who left my doorstep several minutes ago?" I asked.
"Yes," he replied, "but now I'm the sequel. I'll be back three more times tonight, too."
Redneck Etiquette:
Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.
Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.
A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days so the husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear. When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume.
The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear."
The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement. The husband comes home from work goes to the bedroom and there, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume.
He again yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this shit back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!"
The next morning his irate wife goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items: one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt, and the third item is a 2 x 4.
The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?"
The wife yells back, "Take your clothes off. You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If you don't like that one, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo. And if you don't like THAT one, you can stick the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudge sickle!"
Mommy, Mommy, the kids all call me a werewolf.
Never mind, dear, now go and comb your face.
Mother vampire to son:
Hurry up and eat your breakfast before it clots.
What do you get when you take the circumference of your jack-o-lantern and divide it by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
What are a vampire's favorite snacks?
Adam's apples and nectarines.
What did Dracula say then he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I'd like to get to gnaw you.
What did the policeman say when a black widow spider ran down his back?
"You're under a vest!"
What did the bat say to the witch's hat?
You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.
What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
Put your boos and shocks on.
What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
"Don't spook until you're spooken to."
What did the Mommy Vampire say to the Baby Vampire?
"You are driving me batty."
What do baseball players do on Halloween?
They practice pitchcraft.
What do ghouls order at McMonsters?
Handburgers.
What do little ghosts drink?
Evaporated milk.
The Ten Commandments Of Love!
1. I am thy Main Squeeze; thou shalt squeeze no others before me.
2. Thou shalt not take the name of thy Squeeze in vain, nor badmouth me behind my back.
3. Remember our Anniversary, and keep it holy. Or else.
4. Honor MY mother and father. THINE are too damn weird.
5. Thou shalt not kill my love by behaving tackily and making me embarrassed to be seen with thee.
6. Thou shalt not commit adultery, nor shalt thou even THINK about it if thou knowest what's good for thee.
7. Thou shalt not steal from my purse/wallet while I am in thy bathroom, nor use my credit cards, nor make long-distance calls from my telephone.
8. Thou shalt not talk about our personal problems to our friends.
9. Thou shalt not covet the higher market price of thy neighbor's house.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Squeeze, nor son or daughter, nor stereo, nor BMW.
A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those drivers."
So the next day he had the county go out and put up a sign that said:
SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county and they put up a new sign:
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
And that really sped them up. So the farmer called and called and called everyday for three weeks.
Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign."
He was going to let the farmer do just about anything in order to have him stop calling. Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer.
Three weeks after the farmers last call, the sheriff decided to call him. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." And he hung up the phone.
The sheriff thought to himself, "I'd better go to that farmer's house and look at that sign... There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers..."
So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters were the words:
SLOW: NUDIST COLONY
There was an old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time, so they decided to dress up and go out.
The old woman went in her bedroom, stripped naked, and tied a string between her legs with a lemon at the end of the string.
When she walked out of the room her husband yelled, "You can't go out like that!"
"I can go out as whatever I want and so can you!"
The man agreed and went into his room. Soon, he came out naked with a string tied to his penis and a potato at the end of the string.
The woman said "You're going out as that?"
"Yes," said the old man. "If you can go out as a sourpuss, I can go out as a dicktator."
A priest rushed from church one day to keep a golf date. He was halfway down the first fairway, waiting to hit his second shot, when he heard the familiar "FORE!" and a ball slammed into his back.
Soon the golfer who had made the drive was on the scene to offer his apologies. When the priest assured him that he was all right, the man smiled. "Thank goodness, Father!" he exclaimed. "I've been playing this game for forty years, and now I can finally tell my friends that I've hit my first holy one!"
"When I was a kid, we walked 10 miles to school every day, sometimes in the rain or snow. Man, did we feel stupid when we found out there was a bus.
--Brian Auten
"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman."
--Bruce Baum
"Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking."
-- Henry Louis Mencken
Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
Why did the banks use all that space and money to construct so many teller stations, then never have more than two or three in use?
30 HARSH THINGS A WOMAN CAN SAY TO A NAKED MAN
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird.
(Every year, teacher Mike Wilson of Ballwin, Missouri has his elementary-school students study the presidential election process in America. From the resulting essays and exam papers, Wilson has culled some gems of youthful insight and wisdom, not to mention skepticism worth of a politics-weary adult.)
Did you ever think what I used to think about candidates running neck-and-neck? Well it is not true. Calling a person a runner-up is the polite way of saying you lost. The difference between a king and a president is that a king is the son of his father but a president is not. What I learned about elections is that we aren't really getting to elect the president. It is some people in a college who get to. I have not decided what to do about it yet but I am not going to just sit around. It is possible to get the majority of electoral votes without getting the majority of popular votes. Anyone who can ever understand how this works gets to be president.
Some of our presidents never did much else and are famous only because they became president. The more I think about trying to run for president the less I think of it. The president has the power to appoint and disappoint the members of his cabinet. Much has been said about balancing the budget. It has been found that the budget is more talkable than balanceable. The campaign is when the candidate tells what he stand for and the election is when the votes tell if they can stand for his being elected.
Actually, elections are different from politics. Elections come and go while politics are with us all the time. The winning candidate is elected and inoculated. In January, the president makes his Inaugural Address after he has been sworn at. Once he is elected, sometimes the president has to work 24 hours a day until he finds out what he is supposed to do. The nominees are usually called candidates or campaigners although I have heard them called other things.
One of the strictest rules is all dark horses running for president must be people. Popular votes tell who is the most popular. Electoral votes tell who is the most elected. Heredity is a bad thing in politics because it gets us kings instead of presidents. A caucus is something people vote in. Sort of a small booth. An overwhelming favorite is a candidate that often comes over to the convention and whelms the delegates.
The jobs of delegates is to resent their states. Noncommittal is to be able to talk and talk without saying anything. When the radio mentions a landslide, cross your fingers and hope it is talking about an election. A dark horse is a candidate that the delegates don't know enough about to dislike yet. Political science is to try to figure out what makes candidates act that way.
A split ticket is when you don't like any of them on the ticket so you tear it up. When they talk about the most promising presidential candidate, they mean the one who can think of the most things to promise. Elephants and donkeys never fought until politics came along. Political strategy is when you don't let people know you have run out of ideas and keep shouting anyway. A candidate should always renounce his words carefully.
We are learning how to make our election results known quicker and quicker. It is our campaigns we are having trouble getting any shorter. Universal suffrage means that even the illegible get to vote. One of the mainest rules of campaigning is you are not allowed to go on a whistle-stop tour without a train. Politician is the bawling out name for a candidate you don't like. Speaking of defeat, candidates are told never to. Campaigns give us a great deal of happiness by their finally ending.
A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen for five days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.
The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.
"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love."
The old man replied, "I thought so ... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They're choking the shit out of my ducks!"
There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis. So he decided to do something about that.
He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.
A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with her cane.
Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, "There really is no justice in the world."
The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by that?"
The first little old lady replied, "Look at that.
When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat!"
Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly? I can't button me pants."
"Oh Angus, I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it."
About 5 minutes later, there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs. Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says, "My god, what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"
"Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button, an she did, everything was goin' fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread, Mr. MacDonald walked in."
Grandma will remember last Halloween forever. No, it was not a good one. Sit down (near a grown up friend, or your Mom or Dad), and I'll tell you about it.
Just as the sun was going down, the wind started to blow so hard it made the trees groan. All day it seemed like a storm was coming. It got dark very early, kind of smoky dark outdoors with lots of heavy gray clouds and the wind kept blowing. Everyone had their car headlights on by four o'clock.
Grandma stopped by a friend's home for a visit, because she always misses her children and grandchildren on Sundays and holidays. They wanted her to go with them to a party in downtown Dallas. Instead, Grandma decided to go on home and relax before the storm really hit. A light rain had already begun to fall, slowly, but in big drops.
Finishing her visit with her friends Grandma wished them a "Happy Pumpkin Day," and said good-bye. She stopped at the grocery store on the way home to pick up some food and sneak a peek at the Trick or Treaters.
By the time she got home it was nearly seven o'clock at night. The storm had started, so she parked in the "No Parking" area, close to her front door just to take her groceries inside. She had to go find a parking spot after that. The closest one was way around the corner from where she lived, by some trash dumpsters.
Just as Grandma got out of her car and closed the door, she heard a "Whoosh" sound come from one from one of 'the trash Dumpster. Her heart felt like it had stopped beating, and she stopped breathing, after uttering a sound. "Eeeee Yipes!" through her scared stiff jaws. Grandma tried to get into the car, but she couldn't get the key into the lock, so she ran for her door as fast as she could.
Grandma had left the door unlocked when she went to park the car, so it opened right away. She quickly slipped inside, put on her security alarm, and leaned against the door until she could get her breath.
The groceries had to be put away, so she began that task thinking she would not eat the fresh shrimp she had just bought, but jump into bed and watch television, all cozy and warm, so she would be ready for work in the morning.
As Grandma was pulling the milk in the refrigerator, she heard something fall and hit the patio. It made a 'thud' sound. Thinking that it was "Gypsy," the friendly dog next door, Grandma peeked out through the mini-blinds. As her eyes moved from the patio cement up toward the railing, she felt a very cold breeze sweep past her, and then, she suddenly saw a big cloud on the patio, spiraling about in one place. "It" stopped and moved over close to the door. She was scared still! Again!
Backing away from the patio doors, very slowly, Grandma sat down in her chair right under her security alarm buttons, to wait to see if she had seen what she thought she did. Nothing happened so she got up and went to her bedroom to put on her "jams (if only she could have taken a deep, warm bath she thought, but it was still lightening outside).
Grandma finished putting on her warm nightclothes, and left her bedroom, with a pillow tucked under her arm, heading for the sofa. Turning back to switch off the light, she heard that sound again; the one she had heard by the dumpsters.
She spun around looking back into her room. There, looking right through the closed mini-blinds, was a huge pumpkin face. It asked her, in a hoarse voice, "Whhhhyyyy doooon't yooooooo liiike Halloween?"
Grandma pulled her bedroom door shut, with a bang, and fled into the front bedroom that was her office, so fast that her feet didn't touch the floor. She slithered under the covers and pulled them over her head. Grandma could feel her heart banging away, a hard, "lub-dub." In the same rhythm she kept saying, "I DO like Hal O Ween! I DO like Hal O Ween! I DO like Hal O Ween!" over and over again, until she fell asleep.
The next morning Grandma woke up and went right to her patio doors. She peeked out the blinds very carefully. There was nothing there. Grandma loves the morning air; so she slid the door open, like she always did, and went out to sit in a patio chair, to drink her cup of coffee.
There, on the patio, was an old candle stub inside a huge broken pumpkin shell!
So, no, Grandma did not have a good Halloween. In fact, she doesn't want to have another one, unless she is with her family, or friends, who knew her well. She said that a stranger would think she was 'coo coo.'
But, Grandma does love to make jack-o-lanterns (she no longer says the "p" word, any more), and her love for "P pie" hasn't changed, and harvest scenes are one of her favorites, and the weather... but no, Grandma does not like Halloween.
~by Carol Joyce Hinkley Thompson~
A young couple left the sex therapist's office determined to develop more effective body language. "Alright," said the husband, "when I want sex, I'll rub your right breast. When I don't want sex, I'll rub your left breast."
"Okay," said the wife, "What should I do then?"
"Well, when you want to have sex," he told her, "rub my penis once. When you don't want any sex, rub it 200 times."
A professor at the University of Kentucky is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands.
"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student way in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. As he ambles slowly toward the podium the professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost?!? Shiiiiiit..... From way back there I thought you said "goats."
After a frantic caller told the Battle Creek, Michigan, Human Society about two ducks trapped by the ice on a pond, the shelter manager, Mike Pearson, rushed right over.
Mike inched his way out over nearly 100 feet of ice. As onlookers stood by, he carefully made his way to the ducks, and, thankfully, back to safety on the shore.
Both of the wooden decoys are expected to survive.
Pop N. Fresh Dead At 71
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. He was buried on Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker and the Hostess Twinkies.
The gravesite was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".
Mr. Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children and one in the oven.
Way down in dat old swamp known as Louisiana, Boudreaux's old lady's been pregnant for some time, and now her time had come. So, he brought her to the doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Boudreaux and said, Hey, Boudreaux, you just had you a son! Aint dat just grand"?
Boudreaux got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished up yet!"
The doctor then delivered a little girl.
He said, "Hey, Boudreaux! You got you a daughter! She a pretty lil ting, too."
Boudreaux was kind of puzzled by all this, and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!"
The doctor then delivered another boy and said, " Boudreaux, you just had youself another boy!"
When Boudreaux and Marie went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we runned out of dat dere Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?"
She said, "Yeah, I do."
Boudreaux exclaimed, "Man, it's a damn good ting we didn't use no WD-40!"
Written to Rexall Drug's Customer Service Center:
Dear Carb Solutions,
I'm trying to lose a few pounds and last night I tried your Carb Solutions Taste Sensations - Creamy Chocolate Peanut Butter (Serial Number: MC53097 BEST BY040704) for the first time. The bar was a substitute for my dinner because I was on the road.
I want you to know that I have discovered your secret formula for weight loss and I plan on stealing it. I too will make something so truly disgusting in taste that it makes the victim. . . err, uhhh. . . "dieter" not want to eat anything because they're physically nauseous.
This morning I defecated an exact replica of the bar I ate last night. I plan on taking my feces and your bar to shopping malls and asking people to take a bite of each and see if they can tell the difference.
It is true that my butt won't be able to produce as many "Taste Sensations" as your company can, but at over $2 a bar it will be a nice second income for me. Like your company, I will probably only be able to sell one bar to a customer before they decide never to buy from me again -- so I'll have to keep moving all of the time. They'll probably make a movie about me.
Soon to be your competitor...
xxxxxxxx
Bellingham, Massachusetts
Amanpreet and Judi were having troubles. They decided to attend a marriage seminar on communication.
The moderator declared, "It's essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." The moderator then looked at Preet and asked him, point blank, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Judi looked at Amanpreet with one of "those looks" (which said, "You better get this right.")
Preet nervously answered, "Uhhh, Pillsbury All-Purpose, I think."
Jack hadn't been to a class reunion in decades. When he walked into this latest one, he thought he recognized a woman over in the corner, so he approached her and extended his hand in greeting, saying, "You look like Helen Brown."
"Well," the woman snapped back, "you don't look so great in blue, either!"
One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
"Where to?" he stammered.
"Union Station," answered the woman.
"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?"
"Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does *THIS* answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"
A young woman goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another young woman comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another young woman comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest.
"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"
I worked in the biology department at Buffalo State College in New York. The Great Lakes Laboratory, also stationed at the college, employed a licensed boat captain to man its research vessel.
It was common knowledge that the captain couldn't swim. When newcomers learned of this, they would approach him about it.
"Is it true?" one of them asked incredulously. "You, a boat captain, can't swim?"
"No, I can't," he replied. "Can pilots fly?"
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.
She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation she happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the ER right away.
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet
Far from the daily family riot
May I lie back--not have to think
about what they're stuffing down the sink, or who they're with, or where they're at and what they're doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish--dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean--
(well heck, I've got the right to dream)
Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know--
I must have lost them long ago!
~Author Unknown~
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"
The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right."
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!"
Office Rules
1) If it rings, put it on hold.
2) If it clanks, call the repairman.
3) If it whistles, ignore it.
4) If it's a friend, take a break.
5) If it's the boss, look busy.
6) If it talks, take notes.
7) If it's handwritten, type it.
8) If it's typed, copy it.
9) If it's copied, file it.
10) If it's Friday, forget it!
A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw so he sees another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language. He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.
The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating.
The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says, "What the hell is wrong with you dumbass? I said I need handsaw!!"
The other guy says, "I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming."
While driving along the back roads of a small town, two truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3".
They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4".
"What do you think?" one asked the other.
The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"
During a recent business trip to Boeing's Everett, Wash., factory, I noticed several 747 and 777 airliners being assembled.
Before the engines were installed, huge weights were hung from the wings to keep the planes balanced. The solid-steel weights were bright yellow and marked, "14,000 lbs."
But what I found particularly interesting was some stenciling I discovered on the side of each weight.
Imprinted there was the warning: "Remove before flight."
The Jetsons were a twenty-first century family. George and Jane were the parents, and Judy and Elroy were their children. In what housing complex did the family live?
The Sky Pad Apartments
The Galaxy Pad
The Thunderbird Apartments
The Spacely Towers
Newspapers
1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crosswords.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave LA to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country .... or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are Democrats.
10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
Welcome to this year's Postal Workers Entrance Exam. I see that all of you have been able to find yourselves a seat and a desk, so obviously you're well on your way to becoming postal workers. Should you pass this exam and become a member of the US Post Office, you will enjoy not only the esteem and envy of all your friends but also a unique package of fringe benefits, including:
* An early retirement scheme which allows you to retire while still turning up for work
* Flextime which enables you to decide when you don't want to work at work and when you don't what to work away from work
* Free use of government stationery and the Pitney-Bowes meter machine for all your postage needs.
I must at this stage warn all examinees that anyone found cheating or copying from a neighbor's paper will be automatically assigned to the Letters to Santa Claus Division.
OK, now we're ready to begin:
MATHEMATICS: Please answer the following questions in the spaces provided on your Answer Sheet.
1. If you went to lunch at 12 noon and came back 2.30pm, how long have you had for lunch?
-- -The answer, of course, is half an hour.
2. If one postal employee takes 3 hours to process a 321/L3/MX1 form how long would it take two postal employees to process the same form?
-- -The answer is, of course, four hours.
For those of you who failed the Mathematics test, don't worry you may still be eligible to become a tax policy adviser.
MULTIPLE CHOICE:
1. If you are about to take your lunch break and a female member of the general public comes with an inquiry, you should address her by saying:
a. May I help you, Madam?
b. May I help you, Miss?
c. What can I do you for, baby?
d. How's tricks, doll-face?
-The correct answer is: None of the above. This is a trick question. If you are about to take your lunch break, you shouldn't talk to her at all.
2. If a member of the general public phones up with a complaint and you realize that the file on this matter has been lost, you should say:
a. We are aggressively looking into the matter.
b. Can I get back to you on this one?
c. The matters have been referred to another committee d. I haven't had a chance to look into it yet.
-Again, this is a trick question. The correct answer is that you should tell them that they have the wrong telephone extension.
SPELLING: Spell the following words:
a. Coffee
b. Flu
c. Lunch break
d. Vacation
This is the end of the examination. Pass your examination booklets to the front, and welcome to the United States Post Office!"
OUTRAGEOUS QUOTES!
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." * Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
"You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend." * Yasir Arrafat (On going to war over religion)
"On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars." * Bruce Willis (On the difference between men and women)
"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan." * George Burns
"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.' " * Sandra Bullock
"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will ask, 'Specify type of goat.'" * Jason Alexander (George Castanza on Seinfeld)
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." * Sharon Stone
"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." * Henry Kissenger (former US Secretary of State)
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'" * Arnold Schwarzenegger
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." * Courtney Cox (Monica on "Friends")
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." * Tiger Woods
"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." * Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)
"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." * Rev. Jesse Jackson
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-b*tch." * Jack Nicholson
Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language is to be taught in all Southern schools. Here are excerpts from the Hickphonics/ English dictionary:
HEIDI - noun. Greeting.
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: "Heidi. Hire yew."
BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Hot-lanta. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
MUNTS - noun. A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."
FAR - noun. A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."
BAHS - noun. A supervisor. Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"
TIRE - noun. A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD - Verb. To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
TARRED - adverb. Exhausted. Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."
ARE - pronoun. Possessive case of we used as a predicate adjective.
RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
FARN - adjective. Not local. Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."
DID - adjective. Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim."
EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA). Usage: "He cain't breathe ... give 'im some ear!"
BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JEW HERE - Noun and verb contraction. Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"
HAZE - a contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."
SEED - verb, past tense. Usage: "Bubba seed are bard pick-up."
GUMMIT - Noun. A bureaucratic institution. Usage: "Them gummit boys shore are ignert."