Jokes

A week after their wedding, redneck newlyweds, Jed and Daisy, paid a visit to their doctor.

"I can't figure it out doc, and I'm really worried," says Jed. "My privates are turning BLUE."

"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you."

The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, Jed's privates ARE blue.

The doctor turns to Daisy and asks: "Daisy, are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?

"Yeah, I am," she replied.

"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"

"Grape," she answers.

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over and said, "Life is so damned boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.

As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

"I won first prize as Best Dried Arrangement!

Owing to the advance in medical technology, surgical technique and the fact that silicone breast implants have been determined to be perfectly safe, a California cosmetic surgery practice is opening a new office where breast augmentation surgery is done on an outpatient basis in about 30 minutes.

They are going to call the practice, "Jiffy Boob."

A woman's husband asked her what she wanted for her birthday. She thought for a moment and said, "This year I just want cold, hard cash for a change."

The following day her husband filled her request. He put $20 in nickels, dimes and quarters into a quart jar, then filled it with water and placed it in the freezer. On her birthday he handed his wife a solidly frozen bottle of change.

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16.

She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother.

The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"

Jerry's at the urinal in an airport rest room when a guy with no arms sidles up next to him and pleads, "Hey buddy -- can you help me out here?"

Though he feels uneasy, he considers the guy's predicament and decides to help. He bravely unzips the man, takes a deep breath, reaches in and pulls out the guy's penis.

Much to his horror, it is hideous! It's moldy and bluish green, covered with pus-filled scabs, and it reeks something awful. Imagining the kudos he'll get on Judgment Day for this selfless good deed, Jerry holds the man's unit while he finishes urinating, shakes it, then puts it back in the man's pants and zips him up.

The guy tells Jerry, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."

"No problem," says Jerry. "But I gotta ask - What the hell's wrong with your johnson?"

The guy pokes his arms back out of his sleeves and says, "I don't know, but I sure as hell ain't touching it."

All the asylum inmates were standing in the courtyard and singing "Ave Maria." They were singing it beautifully. Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.

A visitor listened in wonder to the performance, and then approached the conductor. "I'm a retired Choir Director," he said. "This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard."

"Yes, I am very proud of them," said the conductor.

"You should take them on tour," said the visitor. "What are they called?"

"Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor.

"They're CALLED the Moron Tapanapple Choir."

After finishing an out-of-town errand, I discovered that my car wouldn't start because it was out of gas. A passer-by told me there was a service station a half-mile away, so I took a gas can from the trunk and trudged the distance in the sweltering sun.

The attendant filled my two-gallon can, and I lugged it back and poured the gas into the tank. But when I tried to unlock the car door, it wouldn't open. Just then, I noticed an identical old car parked a short distance away. That was my car; I had filled a stranger's gas tank.

Wearily I walked back to the station. "You know," the attendant suggested helpfully, "instead of walking back and forth to fill the tank from the can, you could put a couple of gallons in the tank and then drive the car here."

"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist.

The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car and gave a long, painful groan and put his face in his hands.

He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.

"Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."

"It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"

A raggedy-assed old nun was walking home from the convent one evening, when an old man jumped out from the bushes and had his way with her.

Then the man said: "What will you tell the Holy Father *now*, Sister?"

And the nun replied: "I must tell the truth! I will say I was walking home from the convent when a man jumped out from the bushes, attacked me and had his way with me TWICE...... unless you're too tired."

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on top of his desk and wrote on the board:

"Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion.

Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair.

One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an "A"" when he had barely written anything at all.

His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

A lady from California purchased a piece of timberland in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.

He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?"

The unperturbed doctor replied, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area."

Everyone knows Murphy's Law: "Anything that can go wrong, will..." -
Here are some other Laws you may not have heard!

Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Lowery's Law of Home Repair: If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway

Beach's Law: Interchangeable parts aren't.

William's Law: There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.

Lane's Law of Supply and Demand: The one item you need is always in short supply.

Cannon's Karmic Law: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

Norman Einstein's Law: If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.

Col. Murphy's Law of Combat: Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder!

Where am I?
How did I get here?
Why does my head hurt?

You're in a hospital, sir. I'm with the police. We weren't sure you were going to wake up. You had a golf club wrapped around your neck. Just tell us everything you remember.

Well, I was teaching my wife golf. Of course, I won every hole. But on the little par 3, 17th hole, we both hit right to the green, and we both putted right to the pin. When I walked to the flag, I saw one putt had overshot, but the other ball had apparently sunk.

I didn't know whose it was, so I pulled the flag, looked in, saw it was her Spalding in there, and I said, "Looks like your hole, dear."

That was the last thing I remember.

Google Copernicus Center is hiring [ Click Here ]

Google is interviewing candidates for engineering positions at our lunar hosting and research center, opening late in the spring of 2007. This unique opportunity is available only to highly-qualified individuals who are willing to relocate for an extended period of time, are in top physical condition and are capable of surviving with limited access to such modern conveniences as soy low-fat lattes, The Sopranos and a steady supply of oxygen.

The Google Copernicus Hosting Environment and Experiment in Search Engineering (G.C.H.E.E.S.E.) is a fully integrated research, development and technology facility at which Google will be conducting experiments in entropized information filtering, high-density high-delivery hosting (HiDeHiDeHo) and de-oxygenated cubicle dwelling. This center will provide a unique platform from which Google will leapfrog current terrestrial-based technologies and bring information access to new heights of utility.

Susie was a typical '60s protester, and one of those who enjoyed the protests for the sheer joy of protesting as much as for the causes she supported with her actions. Naturally the war in Vietnam was the single biggest focus of her protests, and one week she signed up to join a group who were going to show their distaste for killing by throwing flowers--wasn't the '60s the era of "flower power" at the Pentagon.

But ten minutes into the demonstration, as Susie threw the purple flowers she'd brought with her, one of the organizers came and yanked her away from the front line, telling her reprimanding, "Didn't we make it clear?"

"This is strictly a non-violet demonstration!"

My parents had not been out together in quite some time. One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her. "Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked.

Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!"

They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until much later that Dad finally confessed that his question had actually been directed to the family dog, laying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.

The sheriff of a small town was also the town's veterinarian.

One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"

"Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?" the wife asked.

"Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."

A guy was in court charged with parking in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defense.

"They shouldn't put up such misleading notices," said the guy.

"The sign said 'FINE FOR PARKING HERE'."

On a Canadian TV show a black comedian was holding forth and explaining how much he and his people missed Bill Clinton.

"Yep" he said "that's right --we really miss Bill Clinton. He was the closest we ever got to having a black man as President.

Number One: He played the sax!

Number Two: He smoked weed!

Number Three: He screwed ugly white women!

And Number Four: Even now - look at him, his wife works and he don't. And he gets a check from the government every month!

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.

"I will have to go home and come back later."

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office.

She says, "You should have dropped your pants... You might have gotten disability too."

If you have an OPEN mind.... (Thanks Karen)

How the Jews Got the Ten Commandments

God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."
And the Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shalt not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."

So He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."
And the Mexicans wanted an example,
And the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."

He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."
The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not commit adultery."
"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."

He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?"
"They're free."
"We'll take 10."

A guy walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. The bartender poured him the drink and the guy drank it down in one gulp.

"Wow," said the bartender. "Something bad musta happened."

"I came home early today," answered the guy. "I went up to the bedroom, and there was my wife having sex with my best friend."

The bartender poured the dude another triple shot. "This one's on the house." The guy gulped it down once again. The bartender asked, "Did you say anything to your wife?"

The guy answered, "Yeah, I walked up to her and told her we were through. 'Pack your bag's and get out!' I told her."

"What about your friend?" asked the bartender.

"I looked him straight in the eye and said, 'Bad dog!'"

After having their 11th child, an Arkansas couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The man said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a firecracker in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a firecracker and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1" "2" "3" "4" "5"

at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

A black couple were out trick-or-treating on Halloween night ..naked.

At the first door they rang the bell. "Trick-or-Treat!" they said.

"What are you supposed to be?" the homeowner asked.

The guy answered, "We're Hershey Kisses. One with nuts and one without."

Prayer For The Perfect Man

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep.

One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One whose "Willy" is thick and long,

One who thinks before he speaks,
When he promises to call, he won't wait weeks.

I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash he won't be annoyed,

& opens my door,
& begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my Mind, knows just what to say when I ask, "How big's my behind"?

One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin',
In the hall, the shower, the garden and kitchen,

I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempts to screw my best friend,

And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the Shit Head you sent me instead!!!

Amen

Finishing up our work at a trade show in San Diego, my co- worker Maureen and I decided to go sightseeing across the border in Tijuana, Mexico. While there, we went shopping and bought a few pieces of clay kitchenware.

As we crossed back into the United States, a customs official asked if we had anything of value to report.

"Not really," Maureen replied, digging in her bag for the bean crock she had purchased. Everyone around us froze as she continued, "I only bought a little pot."

Judge: Did you or did you not see the gun being fired?

Witness: I did not see it being fired. I only heard it.

Judge: Well, that's hearsay. It's inadmissible as evidence.

As the witness left the stand and walked back to his seat, his back was turned to the judge, at which point, he laughed out loud. Immediately the judge recalled him to the bench and was about to hold him in contempt of court.

Witness: Did you actually see me laugh?

Judge: No, but I heard you.

Witness: Isn't that the same kind of inadmissible evidence, Judge?

Ned is down on his luck in Las Vegas. He has gambled away all his money and has to borrow a dime from another gambler just to use the men's room. The stall happens to be open and he uses the dime in a slot machine and hits the jackpot. He takes his winnings and goes to the blackjack table and turns his small winnings into a million dollars.

Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Ned goes on the lecture circuit, where he tells his incredible story. He tells his audiences that he is eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever finds the man he will share his fortune with him. After months of speaking, a man in the audience jumps up and says, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the dime."

"You aren't the one I'm looking for. I mean the guy who left the door open!"

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.

"An ambulance just drove by."

A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike, and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed.

"How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.