Jokes

Jewish husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMW in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Moishe?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

As a frequent flier, I get annoyed when other passengers disregard the airline attendant's pleas to stay seated when the plane taxies to the gate. One attendant captured my heart by announcing:

"The captain will be parking the aircraft at Gate 41 in approximately two minutes. I've seen the captain's car. So if I were you, I'd remain seated."

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea you had to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church fills first".

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I suppose the rock 'n roll gospel choir you brought in was another good idea. We are packed in to the balcony."

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"Well," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"I know, son," replied the elderly priest, "but the flashing neon sign, 'Toot n' Tell or Go To Hell' cannot stay on the church roof!"

You might be a farmer if...

1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.

2. You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.

3. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.

4. You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.

5. You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday.

6. You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.

7. You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.

8. You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.

9. You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.

10. You've used the same knife to make bull calves into steers, and peel apples.

Lorena Bobbitt's sister was arrested last night for attempting to cause the same damage to HER husband, except she missed and hit his leg.

She has been charged with a "misdeweiner".

Dismalus was the latest figure to arrive at Hades. Charon, the ferryman across the River Styx, threw questions at him hard and fast as he made his way across. "You threw the javelin for Sparta, yes?" and... "Did Runacoris finish the marathon yesterday? and... so on. By the time they reached the other side and Dismalus stepped off, for eternity, he paused and asked, "Why do you ask so many questions of me? I understand the thirst for knowledge, but these are all mere contemporary gossip."

Replied Charon, "Eventually the news is delivered down here. But we're the last stop on the mail route. News becomes history, but gossip gets stale. It's what happens when you live so far out in the Styx."

An elderly couple are vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Bessie?"

Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

Sam says excitedly "Come on Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks again, "Nope."

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different?"

Bessie looks up and says "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Sam yells, "And do you know why it is hanging down, Bessie? It's hanging down because its looking at my new boots!!!"

Bessie replies "Should'a bought a hat, Sam."

When the employees of a restaurant attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher.

"Pull the pin like a hand grenade," he explained, "then depress the trigger to release the foam."

Later an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin.

The instructor hinted, "Like a hand grenade, remember?"

In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin .... and hurled the extinguisher at the blaze.

Michael Johnson, the Olympic Gold Medal runner, was on his way to a club with some friends.

At the door, the bouncer turned to him and said "Sorry, mate, you can't come in here -- no jeans."

Michael, quite annoyed at this, retorted, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Michael Johnson."

"Well, then," the bouncer replied, "it won't take you long to run home and change, will it?"

Rules For Writers

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat.)
6. Be more or less specific.
7. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
8. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
9. No sentence fragments.
10. Don't use no double negatives.
11. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out or mispeld something.
12. Eschew obfuscation.

A graduate in economics who completed his degree in the 1950's returned to his old university for a visit. He was amazed to see that the examination questions were identical to the ones asked in his day.

When he pointed this out to a member of staff, he replied, "That's true, but, of course, the answers are completely different now."

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh my! Am I driving?"

A group was touring London, marveling at the historic buildings, art collections, and such. Of course, the group included people from many countries. During the tour of the Tower of London, a man from Prague and another man from Athens struck up a conversation about some point in history. A small disagreement ensued, which rapidly became a large one. They decided to settle the matter then and there, using the historical accouterments at hand.

Donning armor and chain mail, they prepared for a battle to the death. This attracted the attention of the rest of the tour group, who crowded around for a better look. Inasmuch as the combatants were in period dress, the people couldn't tell one from another. "Is that the Greek wearing the chain mail?" asked one tourist. "No," replied another,

"the Greek is in the armor; the Czech is in the mail."

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the Church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from Evil Incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's Ultimate Enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yup, sure do."

Satan asked, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was more than a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why not?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years!"

A survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night...

5% said it was to get a glass of water...

12% said it was to go to the toilet...

83% said it was to go home

Pfizer Corp. is making the announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims: It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink. This additive gives new meaning to descriptions like cocktails, highballs and just a good old fashioned stiff drink.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of Mount And Do.

A man by the name of Tates invents the very first compass. It was a very significant achievement, but alas, it proved not to be too reliable and many people who relied on it had to have a search party rescue them. It did however, cause a saying which is very much in use today to be developed.....

He who has a Tates is lost.

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday school class.

"NO!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

Again the answer was," NO!"

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?" I asked them again.

Once more they all answered, "NO!"

"Well," I continued, thinking they were a good bit more theologically sophisticated than I had given them credit for, "Then how can I get into heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOT TO BE DEAD!"

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

Thoughts for women

Don't imagine you can change a man -
unless he's in diapers.

If they put a man on the moon -
they should be able to put them all up there.

Never let your man's mind wander -
it's too little to be out alone.

Men are all the same -
they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

Definition of a bachelor:
a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

Best way to get a man to do something -
suggest they are too old for it.

Love is blind -
but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If you want a committed man -
look in a mental hospital.

If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

Sadly, all men are created equal.

Grandpa and Grandma were spending the weekend with their son and daughter-in-law. Grandpa noticed that his son had a bottle of Viagra and asked if he could have one.

His son said, "Dad, I don't think you should take one they're very strong and expensive."

Grandpa said, "I know, but I want to try one. How much are they?"

His son replied, "$10 each."

Grandpa only had a $50 bill but was going to the bank. He told his son that he would leave $10 under his pillow that night.

The next morning his son found $110 under his pillow and said, "Dad, I told you it was only $10. There's $110 under my pillow!!"

Grandpa said, "That's ok, the other $100 is from Grandma.

Back in the woods, a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down ... I think there's yet another one to come."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern ... It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,

"Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"

A sign on a bench read, "CROSS-TOWN BUSES RUN ALL DAY."

Some enterprising soul had written under it in large red letters, "DOO-DAH, DOO-DAH!"

This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, & are watching the auctioning off of bulls.

The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."

The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, & comments, "See! That was more than 5 times a month!"

The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."

Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!"

Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.

The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!"

The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!"

The husband was pretty irritated by now, & yells back, "Sure, once a day!....... But ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!!!"

A woman from India moves to America and is living in a large apartment complex. She knocks on her neighbor's door and says (in your best India woman accent) "You would be excusing me but you can tell me where you go in your country to buy food?"

And the neighbor says, "Yeah, we got to these places called supermarkets. In fact, I'm headed there now if you'd like to go along."

The Indian woman says, "Oh yes, that would be very nice."

So they're in the market in the produce department and the Indian woman picks up two large russet potatoes and says, "You know, these would be reminding me of my husband's testicles."

To which the American woman looks down and exclaims, "Oh my God, your husband's balls are that big?!"

The woman from India laughs and says, "Oh no, no, no, they're not this big, but they are this dirty!"

For Michael's birthday, his wife wanted to surprise him when he came home from work. After some careful consideration she decided to strip naked and wrap herself in saran wrap from her shoulders to her ankles.

Pretty soon Michael enters his house exhausted from a tough day at work. He walks through the kitchen, places his lunchbox down, and hears his wife say, "Honey! I'm in the living room."

Rounding the corner, he spots her all wrapped up in plastic. After a quick peek, he immediately he says, "Leftovers again?!"

This lovely young girl is sitting in a train carriage on her own when a crusty old bastard comes in, eating a tray of king prawns.

He sits opposite her, shelling his prawns and flicking the shells on the floor. Occasionally he tosses on onto the lady's lap with a sneer.

When he's finished the meal he casually screws up the polystyrene tray he's been eating from and throws it at the girl's face.

The young lady calmly stands up, picks the shells off the floor, puts them back in the tray and throws the whole mess out the window.

Then she walks over to the emergency stop button and thumps it hard.

"You dumb bitch," the dirty old man burps. "That's gonna cost you $100!"

"Yeah," she replied, "but when the police smell your fingers it's gonna cost you 10 years."

A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling, so the barmaid reluctantly went to the bathroom to check on him.

"Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers."

"Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my testicles!"

"Sir, please get off the mop bucket."

A man in a chicken costume who follows typed commands is sweeping the Internet as part of a Burger King advertising campaign. The actor that appears, complete with a garter belt, responds to hundreds of typed commands, but stops short of pornography.

However, the chicken will obey a command to pee on the couch at the http://www.subservientchicken.com/ site.

The chicken also responds to commands to river dance, moonwalk, somersault and bullfight. The soundless site looks like one of many Web cam pornography sites where a user can type in a command and a person on the screen will follow it. However, ask the chicken to do a lewd act and it walks up to the camera and wags a scolding finger.

"The site is geared to reach out to the 20- and 30-year-olds that are difficult to reach with traditional advertising," said Blake Lewis, a spokesman for the Miami-based chain. There is little reference to Burger King, apart from a button to click for information on the BK Tendercrisp sandwich.

2 1/2 hours north of Los Angeles.

In regard to the above flag:

Between the field where the flag is planted there are 9+ miles of flower fields that go all the way to the ocean. The flowers are grown by seed companies. It's a beautiful place close to Vandenberg AFB. Checkout the dimensions of the flag.

The 2002 Floral Flag is 740 feet long and 390 feet wide and maintains the proper Flag dimensions as described in Executive Order #10834. This Flag is 6.65 acres and is the first Floral Flag to be planted with 5 pointed Stars comprised of White Larkspur. Each Star is 24 feet in diameter; Each Stripe is 30 feet wide. This Flag is estimated to contain more than 400,000 Larkspur plants with 4-5 flower stems each for a total of more than 2 million flowers. You can drive by this flag on V Street south of Ocean Ave. in Lompoc, CA.