Jokes

I have said Santa's reindeer are female. Here's a rebuttal:

OK, I don't know where to start. C'mon, this is a sexist joke perpetrated by those who would have us believe they are not sexist. I'll try to find a place to start.

Hmm. Listen up. Alaska has no native reindeer, as they come from Asia and Europe. Although Alaska has some reindeer farms, they are privately owned and Alaska Fish Game would have little to do with them. Now, let's assume Santa is a competent breeder of reindeer. Breeding season runs roughly from the middle of September to the middle of January and often is called simply 'rut'. Breeding males in rut would not be used to pull a sleigh at Christmas for three reasons needed for breeding season; not in prime health because of the rigors of chasing females; and not trustworthy during personality change caused by rut.

Similarly, breeding females would not be used to pull a sleigh because they need to be in prime health for breeding.

If Santa can't use breeding males or breeding females to pull his sleigh at Christmas, what's left?

Ah, the true answer, verified by checking with my reindeer farming neighbors and buddies, is ... steers geldings!

Reindeer steers have antlers at Christmas, do not change personality significantly during rut, and are not needed for breeding.

There you have it. Santa's reindeer are males .. or at least they were.

There was a man in a hospital who thought that he would die. So he asks the beautiful nurse to accomplish his last wish. Nurse he says, "I want to kiss the head of Nikita Kruschev." (you know, a president of the ex USSR who was fat and had no hair on his head).

"Nikita Kruschev? But he is dead for a long time."

"I don't care I want to kiss his head," the man says. "This is my last wish!"

The nurse didn't know what to do. Then she thought of something. As the man did not wear his glasses the nurse takes her beautiful breasts out of her bra and offers the left one to the man. He holds it, caresses it and very moved.

He said, "Oh my dear Nikita, my old friend!! How happy I am to see you again!"

He was kissing her left tit so warmly that the nurse started liking the whole situation. She asks the man, "What about kissing president Eisenhower's head."

"Yes!! Is he here too?"

"Of course he is here," she says, and offers him her right tit.

"Oh my dear president how happy I am to see you here," said the man, kissing again and again, "Eisenhower."

The nurse liked all that very very much; and started to feel her privates getting moist; so she asks the man, "What about Fidel Castro?"

A man came into a shop with a 'Salesman Wanted' sign in a window. He went up to the owner and said, "I-I-I w-w-waannn-t the j-joooob-b."

"I don't know if this job would suit you because of your speaking impediment," said the owner.

"I h-h-havvve a w-wi-wiiiife and s-s-s-six k-kkkids, I re-really neeeed thi-thi-this j-j-job!" said the man.

"O.K. Here are three Bibles. Go out and sell them." said the owner.

So the man went out and came back an hour later."H-here-sss your m-m-money." said the man. The owner was impressed, so he gave the man a dozen more Bibles and sent him out. The man came back in two hours and said, "Her-ers y-yooour m-m-money."

The owner said, "This is fantastic. You sold more Bibles in three hours than anyone has sold in a week. Tell me, what do you say to the people when they come to the door?"

"W-welllll," said the man, "I r-r-ring the d-door bell, a-a-and s-s-say 'H-Hel-Hello, M-m-maaaaddam, d-d-do you w-w- want t-t t-to buy thi-thi-this B-B-Bible, oooor d-d-do y-you w-w-want m'me t-toooo read it t-t-t-t-to you?"

Friends...

If you should die before me, ask if you could bring a friend.Stone Temple Pilots

If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.Winnie the Pooh

True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it is lost.Charles Caleb Colton

A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.

Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Walk beside me and be my friend. Albert Camus

Strangers are just friends waiting to happen. Friends are the Bacon Bits in the Salad Bowl of Life.

Friendship is one mind in two bodies. Mencius

Friends are God's way of taking care of us.

I'll lean on you and you lean on me and we'll be okayDave Matthews

If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump with them, I'd be at the bottom to catch them.

Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say.

We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere.;Tim McGraw

My father always used to say that when you die, if you've got five real friends, then you've had a great life.;Lee Iacocca

Hold a true friend with both your hands.;Nigerian Proverb

A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.;Unknown

1) There's one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contestants do. What is it? - Boxing.

(2) What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward? -Niagara Falls. The rim is worn down about 2 and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.

(3) Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables? - Asparagus and rhubarb.

(4) At noon and midnight the hour and minute hands are exactly coincident with each other. How many other times between noon and midnight do the hour and minute hands cross? - Ten times (not eleven, as most people seem to think).

(5) What is the only sport in which the ball is always in the possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball? - Baseball.

(6) What fruit has its seeds on the outside? - Strawberry.

(7) In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle? - The pear grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the whole growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.

(8) Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw". They are all common. Name two of them. - Dwarf, dwell, and dwindle.

(9) There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them? - Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

(10) Where are the lakes that are referred to in the "Los Angeles Lakers"? - In Minnesota. The team was originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers, and kept the name when they moved west.

(11) There are seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls - a walk - is one way. Name the other six. - Batter hit by a pitch; passed ball; catcher interference; catcher drops third strike; fielder's choice; and being designated as a pinch runner.

(12) It's the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it? - Lettuce.

(13) How is it possible for a pitcher to make four or more strikeouts in one inning? - If the catcher drops a called third strike, and doesn't throw the batter out at first base, the runner is safe.

(14) Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet, that begin with the letter "s". - Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, snowshoes, stockings, and so on.

(1) How can you arrange for two people to stand on the same piece of newspaper and yet be unable to touch each other without stepping off the newspaper.

(2) How many 3-cent stamps are there in a dozen?

(3) A rope ladder hangs over the side of a ship. The rungs are one foot apart and the ladder is 12 feet long. The tide is rising at four inches an hour. How long will it take before the first four rungs of the ladder are underwater?

(4) Which would you rather have, a gallon jar full of nickels or a gallon jar half full of dimes?

(5) Steve has three piles of sand and Mike has four piles of sand. All together, how many do they have?

(6) In which sport are the shoes made entirely of metal?

(7) If the Vice-President of the United States should die, who would be
President?

(8) How can you throw a golf ball with all your might and without hitting a wall or any other obstruction have the ball stop and come right back to you?

(9) According to most state laws, the attempt to commit a certain crime is punishable, but actually committing the crime is not. What is the crime?

(10) Find the English word that can be formed from all these letters:
PNLLEEEESSSSS

(11) How many times can you subtract 2 from the numeral 9?

(12) If you take two apples from three apples, how many apples will you have?

(13) If you are standing on a hard floor, how can you drop an egg three feet without breaking the egg?
ANSWERS:

(1) Slide the newspaper half way under a closed door and ask the two people to stand on the bit of newspaper on their side of the door.

(2) There are twelve (not four).

(3) Actually, the ladder will rise with the ship!

(4) Dimes are smaller than nickels, so choose the dimes!

(5) When they put them all together, there will be one pile.

(6) Horse racing.

(7) The President.

(8) Throw the ball straight up.

(9) Suicide.

(10) Sleeplessness.

(11) Just once. Then you'd be subtracting 2 from the numeral 7, then 2 from the numeral 5, and so forth.

(12) You will have two apples.

(13) Hold the egg more than three feet above the ground when you drop it.

The 5 toughest questions for men are:

1. What are you thinking about?

2. Do you love me?

3. Do I look fat?

4. Do you think she is prettier than me?

5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly ( i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

a. Baseball.

b. Football.

c. How fat you are.

d. How much prettier she is than you.

e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:

a. Oh Yeah, loads.

b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?

c. That depends on what you mean by love.

d. Does it matter?

e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Among the incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what?

b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.

c. A little extra weight looks good on you.

d. I've seen fatter.

e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is always: "Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a better personality.

b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.

c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.

d. Define pretty..

e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question# 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question.

(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette!")

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL -
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right hand thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in right arm (To avoid wound on left arm) and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in best arm, holding rear paws tightly with hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front, and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill; put down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow through straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat on cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Call fire department to retrieve the cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13) Tie the little 's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for SPCA to collect the "cat from hell" and call local pet shop to see if they have any guinea pigs available.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL -
1) Wrap it in bacon. Drop on the floor.

Here are some of the one-liners over the years which helped to make Bob Hope the incomparable comic that he was:
"I felt I wasn't getting anywhere in England." - Explaining why his family emigrated to the USA when he was four.
"I always like to go to Washington DC. It gives me a chance to visit my money." - On touring the US Treasury.
"Dying is to be avoided because it can ruin your whole career."
"My folks were English. They were too poor to be British. I still have a bit of British in me. In fact, my blood type is solid marmalade."
"Be happy you guys. Be proud! You know what you are: you're God's frozen people." - To GIs based in Alaska.
"The last time I played golf with President Ford he hit a birdie - and an eagle, a moose, an elk, an aardvark ..."
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
"If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf."
"It flies so high, I swear I heard the organs playing." - On travelling in Concorde.
"A very, very religious man. Every time I eat a peanut, I feel immortal." - On President Carter.
"Lots of travel, away from home." - Explaining his long and happy marriage.
"I've got to watch myself these days. It's too exciting watching anyone else." - At the age of 91.
"I need money. I have a staff of 30, and four houses, never mind the government, to support."
"Fish don't applaud." - On cutting short a cruise his doctor had ordered him to take.
"If I had that kind of money, I wouldn't come to Vietnam, I'd send for it." - Denying reports during a Christmas troop show in Saigon that he was worth $500 million.
"Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off and it was so successful she turned it into a series."
"Seventy years of ad-lib material, and I am speechless." - On hearing about his 1998 knighthood.

True story from Sweden some might enjoy.......

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place. The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things.

While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit Dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for the first few days.

Then it started; slowly but surely. Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything; cleaned mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went.

Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. The Moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home. Including the (curtain rods).

Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00..
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20....00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.
Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total$4165.00

But you know the job was done right

A Realistic Look At Job Descriptions
An ADULT is a person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
CANNIBAL Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS are the only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
A COMMITTEE is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST is mud with the juice squeezed out.
An EGOTIST is someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
A GOSSIP is a person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
A HANDKERCHIEF is cold storage.
INFLATION is cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
A MYTH is a female moth.
A MOSQUITO is an insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISINS are grapes with a sunburn.
A SECRET is something you tell to one person at a time.
A SKELETON is a bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
A TOOTHACHE is the pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW is one of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
A YAWN is an honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES are something other people have. You have character lines.
A BANKER is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
An ECONOMIST is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
A STATISTICIAN is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
An ACTUARY is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
A PROGRAMMER is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
A MATHEMATICIAN is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.
A TOPOLOGIST is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
A LAWYER is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."
A PSYCHOLOGIST is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
A PROFESSOR is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A SCHOOLTEACHER is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
A CONSULTANT is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
A DIPLOMAT is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will lookforward to the trip.