Jokes

Shortly after arriving at the University of Washington, I joined some new friends on a trip to nearby Vancouver, British Columbia. It was my first trip outside the United States.

At the border, a guard asked how long we would stay in Canada. Knowing it would be after midnight when we returned, I asked, "How late will we be able to get back across the border?"

"Any time, Ma'am," the guard replied. "We never close Canada."

"Golf has more rules than any other game, because golf has more cheaters than any other game.
Bruce Lansky

"On a recent survey, 80 per cent of golfers admitted cheating. The other 20 percent lied."
Bruce Lansky

"I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone's golf game. It's called an eraser."
Arnold Palmer

Former CBS news anchor Walter Cronkite was traveling through an airport with his wife, Betsy, when he was approached by a woman who thought he looked familiar.

"You know, you look a lot like Waler Cronkite before he died, only a bit heavier," she observed.

"I've heard that," said the gravelly-voiced newsman, who then turned to his wife and asked, "What did Cronkite die of?"

Without missing a beat, Betsy responded, "Thinness."

A father in a hurry taking his 8-year-old son to school, makes a turn at a red light where it isn't allowed. "Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.

"That's OK Dad," the son says, "The police car right behind us did the same thing."

One morning this blonde calls her Jigsaw Puzzle friend and says, "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it."

Her friend asks "What is it a puzzle of?"

The blonde says "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

The blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box.

He then turns to her and says: "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger."

"Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

The wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready, and nothing could dampen Jennifer's excitement, not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother Sheila finally found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother of the bride EVER!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn her new young stepmother, Barbie, had purchased the same dress. She asked Barbie to exchange the dress, but Barbie refused, "Absolutely not! I'm going to wear this dress; I'll look like a million in it!"

Jennifer told her mother, who graciously replied, "Never mind dear. I'll get another dress, after all it's your special day, not hers."

Two weeks later, another dress was finally found. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "What are you going to do with the first dress? Maybe you should return it. You don't have any place to wear it."

Sheila grinned and replied, "Of course, I do, dear! I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!"

The shoe dealer was hiring a clerk.

"Suppose," he said, "a lady customer were to remark while you were trying to fit her, 'Don't you think one of my feet is bigger than the other?' What would you say?"

"I would say, 'On the contrary, Ma'am, one is smaller than the other.' "

"The job is yours."

The telephone solicitor selling basement waterproofing must have thought she'd died and gone to heaven when she reached my very polite and patient son on the phone.

At the end of her long sales pitch, she asked, "Do you mind if we send out someone to give you an estimate?"

"Not at all," my son said.

"When would be a good time?" she asked.

My son answered, "Just as soon as I dig a basement."

A Frenchman with a parrot perched on his shoulder walked into a bar.

The bartender said, "Wow! That's really neat! Where'd you get him?"

"In France," the parrot replied. "They have millions of them."

Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friends house. Knowing his sweet tooth Tommy's mother looked straight into his eyes and said, "I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake."

"No," replied Tommy, "but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like it, and she gave me two more pieces without me asking."

If you took them to happy hour, would a(n)...

computer whiz get pixil-ated?
short-order cook get fried?
aquarium owner get tanked?
boxer have too much punch?
Laundromat
user get three sheets to the wind?
gun dealer get loaded?
paratrooper take a drop too much?

During a layover in a Kansas airport, I couldn't help but notice someone's name being called over the public-address system, followed by this announcement:

"We have found your hearing aid. You may come and pick it up from the customer-service counter."

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the creep you sent me instead.

Amen.

A mother complained to her doctor about her daughters strange eating habits.

"All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?"

Eventually" said the Doctor, "she will rise and shine!"

The judge read the charges, then asked, "Are you the defendant in this case?"

"No sir, your honor, sir," replied Bob, "I've got a lawyer to do the defendin'. I'm the guy who done it."

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class.

"In English," he explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.

"However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up. "Yeah, right."

142857 is a cyclic number - its digits always appear in the same order but will rotate around when multiplied by any number from 1 to 6:
142857 x 1 = 142857
142857 x 2 = 285714
142857 x 3 = 428571
142857 x 4 = 571428
142857 x 5 = 714285
142857 x 6 = 857142

Pretty cool, huh? Now multiply 142857 by 7.

The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it. Finally she went to the pastor's study and asked for help.

The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally he look serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock.

The teacher was amazed. "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she said.

"It's really nothing," he answered. "The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling."

A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree. The policeman rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, "Are you seriously hurt?"

"How do I know?" the driver responds. "I'm not a lawyer!"

The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear as it asked, "What kind of a day are you having?"

"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, I've | just sprained my ankle, the house is a mess and I'm having company for dinner."

The mother was shocked "Sit down, and relax. I'll be over to take care of everything and I'll call Fred at the office and tell him to go home at once."

"Fred?" said the housewife. "Who's Fred?"

"Why, Fred! Your husband!"

"But my husband's name is Mike!" the housewife sobbed.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number," said the voice on the line.

There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"

AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

A Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends, "the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

I dialed a wrong number and got the following recording:

"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

Recently we called a business phone number and heard the following:

If you are calling from a touch-tone phone, press one now.
If you are calling from a rotary phone,
hang up and call back from a touch-tone phone.

Heard on my cable-company's answering machine:

We realize you are still holding.
Please do not hang up as this will further delay your call.

There once was a lady who was very concerned about her missing parrot. Not knowing what to do, she called 911. "You gotta help me find my parrot!"

The operator patiently replied, "We can't help you with that, ma'am. This number only deals with emergencies."

But the lady persisted, and then the operator told her not to be concerned, that the parrot should fly back in a few days.

Then, out of desperation, the lady begged, "But you don't understand! The only thing he says is "Here, kitty, kitty!!!"

A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a bottle of it on his dining room table. He offered some to a guest, who took a big spoonful.

When the guest finally was able to speak, he gasped, "I've heard many ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first one I've met who passed out a sample of it."

Sportswriter Tom FitzGerald shares some favorite quotes from his "Top of the Sixth" column for the San Francisco CHRONICLE:

Yankees manager Joe Torre on his former hairstyle, a comb-over:

"I call it the Watergate. I try to cover up everything I can."

"He's a very one-dimensional player," PGA Tour player Steve Elkington says of golfer Tiger Woods. "All he does is win."

Sprinter Ato Boldon of Trinidad and Tobago, when asked what his country would give him in he won a gold medal in the Olympics:
"Tobago."

ARE YOU IN CONTROL?
Prove for yourself, whether you are in control of your right foot.
It's worth a try... This is too funny! It works!!
While sitting at your desk make clockwise circles with your right foot.
While doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.
Your foot will change direction..... anticlockwise...

My niece bought her five-year-old daughter Kayleigh a hamster. One day he escaped from his cage. The family turned the house upside-down and finally found him.

Several weeks later, while Kayleigh was at school, he disappeared again. My niece searched frantically but never found the critter.

Hoping to make the loss less painful for Kayleigh, my niece took the cage out of her room.

When Kayleigh came home from school that afternoon, she climbed into her mother's lap. "We have a serious problem," she announced. "Not only is my hamster gone again, but this time he took his cage."

On Being Bald...

If a man is bald in front, he's a thinker.
If he's bald in the back, he is a lover.
If he's bald in front and back, he thinks he's a lover.
'Papa, are you growing taller all the time?'
'No my child. Why do you ask?'
" 'Cause the top of your head is poking up through your hair.'
He has wavy hair... it's waving goodbye.
He's not baldheaded... he just has flesh-colored hair.
There's one proverb that really depresses him: 'Hair today, gone tomorrow.'
He has less hair to comb, but more face to wash.
It's not that he's baldheaded...he just has a tall face.
There's one thing about baldness... it's neat.
There's a new remedy on the market for baldness. It's made of alum and persimmon juice. It doesn't grow hair, but it shrinks your head to fit what hair you have.
He's so bald that it looks like his neck is blowing a bubble.

Tips On Motherhood

If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side.
The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere and to let the air out of the tires.
The joy of motherhood: the time when all the children are finally in bed.
Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.
Oh to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read
'BEST DEALS.'

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading
'LOWEST PRICES.'

The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read:

'MAIN ENTRANCE'

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying, and he called his grandson to his bed. "Grandson, I wanna you lissin to me. I wanna for you to take my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns, ... how about leaving me your Rolex watch instead."

"You lissin to me. Somma day you gonna be runna da bussiness, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambini.

"Soma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. Whada you gonna do then? Pointa to da watch and say, ... TIMES UP!"

l. Where did Noah keep the bees?
In the archives, of course!
2. What did the two snakes say when Noah said, "Be fruitful and multiply?"
We can't, we're adders!
3. What was the first state mentioned in the Bible?
Noah looked out his ark and saw!
4. What kind of lights were on Noah's ark?
Floodlights.
5. Why didn't they play cards on Noah's ark?
The elephant was standing on the deck!
6. Why didn't they get to fish on Noah's ark?
They only had two worms!

The middle-aged man was shuffling along, bent over at the waist, as his wife helped him into the doctor's waiting room.

A woman in the office viewed the scene sympathetically.

"Arthritis with complications?" she asked.

The wife shook her head. "Do-it-yourself," she explained, "with concrete blocks."

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."