Jokes

A policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name and where she was from.
She said, "I'm Mrs. Gladiolas Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya from the Republic of Uzbekistan visiting my daughter in Tallahassee."
The cop put away his summons book and pen, and said, ..."Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."

Money can buy a house, but not a home.
Money can buy a bed, but not sleep.
Money can buy a clock, but not time.
Money can buy a book, but not knowledge.
Money can buy food, but not an appetite.
Money can buy position, but not respect.
Money can buy blood, but not life.
Money can buy insurance, but not safety.
You see, money is not everything!
Therefore, if you have too much money, please send it to me.

During the last carpool the subject was teenagers and their appetites. Most agreed that teenagers would eat anything, anywhere and at any time. Some were concerned that such appetites always made it hard to judge when you should feed them because they were always grazing.
The veteran parent of six children, told us of his method for judging the true hunger of teenagers.
"I would hold up a piece of cold, cooked broccoli and if they were jumping and snapping at it I figured they were hungry enough to be fed."

The college football player knew his way around the locker room better than he did the library, so when my husband's co-worker saw the gridiron star roaming the stacks looking confused, she asked how she could help.
"I have to read a play by Shakespeare," he said.
"Which one?" she asked.
He scanned the shelves and answered, "William."

Anytime companies merge, employees worry about layoffs.
When the company for which I work was bought, I was no exception. My fears seemed justified when a photo of the newly merged staff appeared on the company's website with these words underneath:
"Updated daily."

Here (FINALLY) is an explanation of the school homework policy:
Students should not spend more than 90 minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner:
15 minutes looking for assignment.
11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.
23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children.
8 minutes in the bathroom.
10 minutes getting a snack.
7 minutes checking the TV Guide.
6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment.
10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment.

A college student with a young child was pleased when her daughter became eligible to attend the day care center at the University. The director of the day care gave the mother a tour of the facilities. To assure herself of the center's high standards, the young mother asked about the curriculum.
"Well," said the director, eyes twinkling, "today we are studying the children's favorite philosopher: Play-Doh."

"Because we live in the modern age, women now have choices that are just killing them.
"They can have a job, not have a job. They can be married or unmarried, married with children, unmarried with children, married with children and a job, unmarried with children and a job, unmarried with children and no job, unmarried with children who themselves have jobs, have a job and an au pair who has children, marry the au pair, have the au pair have their children, etc...
"Men, unfortunately, have the same choice we've always had: we can work or we can go to jail."

A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me; I'd like a beer."
The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be four dollars."
The customer pulls out a $20 bill and hands it to the bartender.
"I'm afraid I can't take that, Sir," says the bartender.
The man pulls out a $10 bill, and the bartender rejects that also. "What's going on here?" the man asks.
Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, "This is a singles bar."

While visiting a friend who was in the hospital, I noticed several pretty nurses, each of whom was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple.
I asked one nurse what the pin signified.
"Nothing," she said with a smile. "It's just to keep the doctors away."

In a software design meeting, we were using typical technical jargon to discuss a data exchange interface with a vendor. One co-worker said the programming we had ordered was delayed because the vendor was suffering from a "severe nonlinear waterfowl issue."
Curious, the team leader raised his eyebrows and asked, "What exactly is that?"
The programmer replied, "They don't have all their ducks in a row."

Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike.
Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!

It seemed that all our appliances had broken in the same week, and repairs were straining our budget. So when I picked up the kids from school, and our Jeep started making rattling sounds, I decided that rather than burden my husband, I'd deal with it.
I hadn't reckoned on my little tattletales, however, they rushed into the house with the news: "Daddy, the Jeep was breaking down, but Mom made the noise stop!"
Impressed, my husband asked, "How did you fix it?"
"I turned up the volume on the radio." I confessed.

About five years ago the battery in my beat-up VW beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car.
I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission; it needed to be pushed at least 30 MPH for it to start.
She said fine, hopped into her car and drove off.
I sat there fuming wondering what can she be doing. A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rearview mirror coming at me at about 40 MPH, I realized then that I should have been A LOT clearer with my directions.

Two police paramedics jump into the surf to rescue a couple whose boat has foundered in rough seas. After an exhausting swim to the boat, the medics fit the woman into a life vest.
All during the rescue she keeps yelling that her husband is a lawyer and he is going to sue the pants off the company that rented them the boat. The cops instruct the husband to stay in the boat while they swim to shore with his wife.
As the cops turn around to swim back out to rescue the man, they see him coming toward the shore, standing upright, riding on the backs of two huge sharks! As he hops off the sharks onto the beach, the husband shrugs his shoulders in response to the astonished looks on the cop's faces. He gestured back to the sharks and said, "Professional Courtesy".

Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed that the bag boy was eyeing my two adopted children curiously. They often draw scrutiny, since my son's a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin. The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car.
Finally, he asked. "Are those your kids?"
"Yes, they are!" I answered proudly.
"They adopted?" he asked.
"Yes," I replied.
"I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids that small."

A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'. . .perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man knit his brow."Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad. "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me that first penny?"

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

When the skipper of an Icelandic trawler accidentally rammed Englishman Jim Hughes's yacht this past June, he caused $30,000 worth of damage.
Exactly a year and a day before, reported THE TIMES of London, the skipper, Eriker Olafsson, had hit the same boat, causing $40,000 in damage.
What are the odds of this happening twice? Pretty good, since this year Olafsson purposely steered toward Hughes to apologize for the previous year's collision.

An evangelist had a great revival camp going. One night he was up in front of a large audience, speaking on imperfection. He asked his audience towards the end, "Has anyone ever known anyone who has come CLOSE to the perfection of our lord, Jesus Christ?"
Nobody, of course raised their hand. So he issued the question again. "Anybody! Has ANYONE ever known that kind of perfection?"
Finally a guy in the back raised his hand, so of course he was asked to stand up. "Tell us. Tell us who you knew who was so close to perfection."
The man responded, "My wife's first husband."

My next-door neighbor and I frequently borrow things from each other. Not long ago, when I requested his ladder, he told me he had lent it to his son. Recalling a saying my grandmother used to repeat, I recited, "You should never lend anything to your kids, because you will never get it back."
With that, he responded, "Well, it's not even my ladder. It's my dad's."

A couple was relating their vacation experiences to a friend. "It sounds as if you had a great time in Texas," the friend observed. "But didn't you tell me you were planning to visit Colorado?"
"Well," the husband said, "we changed our plans because, uh..."
His wife cut in, "Oh, tell the truth, Fred!" He fell silent and she continued, "You know, it's just ridiculous. Fred simply will not ask for directions."

Golfer walks into the pro shop at the local course and asks the golf pro if they sell ball markers.
The golf pro says they do, and they are $1.00.
The guy gives the golf pro a dollar...
The golf pro opens the register, puts the dollar in and hands him a quarter.

On Being Bald...
'Papa, are you growing taller all the time?'
'No my child. Why do you ask?'
" 'Cause the top of your head is poking up through your hair.'
He has wavy hair... it's waving goodbye.
He's not baldheaded... he just has flesh-colored hair.
There's one proverb that really depresses him:
'Hair today, gone tomorrow.'
He has less hair to comb, but more face to wash.
It's not that he's baldheaded...he just has a tall face.
There's one thing about baldness... it's neat.
There's a new remedy on the market for baldness.
It's made of alum and persimmon juice. It doesn't grow hair, but it shrinks your head to fit what hair you have.

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

The young suitor was determined to win the heart of the girl he wanted to marry, in spite of her rejection of his proposals a number of times.
He began what can only be called a "Campaigning" and sent her a small token of his affection every day for a month to her house.
The plan was successful too the young lady fell in love with, and married, the UPS delivery man.

Our group was third in line behind two other foursomes at the golf course. A young man in the first group walloped his tee shot straight down the middle of the 410-yard fairway to within a few feet of the green.
"Wow," said an older man in the foursome. "I don't even go that far on vacation."

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.
"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."
"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered. "We've got all the umpires."

Shortly after my son started college, the president of the university had an assembly for the new students. "Welcome to Johns Hopkins," he began, "and please note that it's Johns, not John."
Then he told how one of his predecessors, Milton Eisinhower, had been invited to talk at the University of Pittsburgh.
After he was introduced as the president of "John Hopkins,"
Eisenhower said, "Thank you. It's great to be here in Pittburgh."

Pertinent Observations for the Equestrian Neophyte
Tying your horse's reins to a post does no good if you then remove the bridle.
When throwing your saddle over your horse's back, do not let go.
See Law of Inertia: a body in motion tends to remain in motion.
Forgetting to tighten the girth before swinging into the saddle gives you a whole new perspective of your horse.
Before using a crop to encourage your horse to move, be sure it is facing the direction you wish to go.
On a five mile long road with a single mud puddle in it, your horse will shy when you are most likely to fall in the puddle. Same for a single cactus in the desert.
It is a mistake to believe horses have no sense of humor. They think we are funny.
A neophyte rider need waste no time being concerned for his horse's welfare. Your horse knows all about being a horse. Concentrate on your own well being.
Horses smell FEAR. Deodorant won't help.

Squirrels had overrun three churches in town. After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God's will?
The elders of the second church, deciding they could not harm any of God's creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
Only the third church succeeded in keeping away the pests. The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.

The helicopter lost power while flying over a remote Scottish island and was forced to make an emergency landing. Luckily the pilot saw a small cottage nearby. He walked to it and knocked on the door.
"Is there a mechanic in the area?" he asked the woman who answered the door.
She scratched her head and thought for a few seconds. "No," she finally said, pointing down the road, "but we do have a McArdle and a McKay."

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing so he took her with him.
"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"
"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.
The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."

We were going out of state for six weeks and asked the neighbors' nine-year-old son Mike to care for our dog. We explained that the job required feeding, grooming, walking, and, most of all, plenty of love and playtime. Then we asked Mike what the job would be worth to him.
He said, "I'll give you ten bucks."

A car with Massachusetts's license plates drove up to the Canadian customs booth I was manning. When I asked the driver his name, he looked at me strangely and asked, "How much?"
I repeated my question, and this time he answered. But when proceeded to question him further, he told me he just wanted to pay the toll and go.
"You're not at a tollbooth, Sir," I patiently explained.
"This is Canadian customs."
The man paled. He had left Boston six hours earlier -headed for New York City.

As a new federal employee, I felt a combination of excitement and anxiety about meeting the strict standards of discretion and respect that our government imposes on its workers.
Fearful of making a costly mistake, I decided to read up on procedures and standards on the federal Office of Personnel Management web page. I'm not sure if I was relieved or worried when I clicked on one page and found:
"Ethics: Coming soon!"

In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression.
She posed this question to her students: "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, "A basketball coach?"