Jokes

Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
"Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.
"No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas, " he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

An enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale that has been told and retold ever since by veteran Allied pilots. The German "airfield", constructed with meticulous care, was made almost entirely of wood.
There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks, and aircraft.
The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the last wooden plank. And early the following morning, a lone RAF plane crossed the Channel, came in low, circled the field once, and...
dropped a large wooden bomb.

A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG!
He looks around: nobody's there. "I am having hallucinations," he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG!
So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock.
The deep voice says: OPEN!
Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins.
The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO!
Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino.
The deep voice says: ROULETTE!
So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables where the players gaze at him with disbelief.
The deep voice says: 27!
The man takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball.
The ball stays at the 26.
The deep voice says: OOOPS!

IF MEN RULED THE WORLD...
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL Team of your choice.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

My brother Ken was home on leave from his post in Hawaii, when he announced that he had just been promoted to lieutenant commander. We were all pleased with the news, but some of us less knowledgeable about military rankings asked Ken to explain what the promotion meant.
After several failed attempts to get us to understand, he sighed and said, "Before, I was Hawkeye Pierce, and now I'm Frank Burns."

Manspeak Translated
"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

A newspaper writer, after working for 17 long years, was finally granted two months leave, during which time he would be fully paid. However, he turned down his boss' kind offer.
The boss asked, "Why would you turn down such a generous offer?"
The newspaper writer said there were 2 reasons.
"Well, what are they?" asked the boss.
"The first," he said, "is that I thought that my taking such a long leave might affect the newspaper's circulation."
The boss asked him what the other reason was.
"The other reason," replied the writer, "is that I thought my taking such a long leave might NOT affect the newspaper's circulation."

My children have never been thrilled about taking naps, but one day they were putting up more of a fuss than usual. In the middle of the tantrums, a friend called.
"What's all the commotion?" she asked.
"Nothing," I said. "Just the siesta resistance."

My husband and I had gone to a restaurant with friends.
When the hostess led us to a circular booth, we noticed the vinyl seat was covered with crumbs and asked if it could be cleaned off.
The young woman sat down at one end of the booth, slid around to the other side, then sprang up with a smile.
"Did I get it all?" she asked.

Andy: Doc, I had the worst dream of my life last night. I dreamed I was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus girls in the world. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, all dancing in a row...
Psychiatrist: Hold it, Andy. That doesn't sound so terrible.
Andy: Oh yeah? In the dream, I was the third girl from the end.

Some people are extremely impressed when you tell them you're a Navy SEAL. Case in point: My grandson’s pre-K class on Career Day. I regaled them with stories of my exploits in the military. After I finished, hands shot up into the air all over the classroom. The kids were eager to ask questions.
"So," asked one little girl, "can you balance a ball on the end of your nose?"

Who says the Michigan justice department doesn't have a sense of humor? Not only did Judge Deborah Servitto dismiss a defamation suit by a former schoolmate of rapper Eminem's, she also included this as a footnote:
"Stories no one would take as fact,
They're an exaggeration of a childish act.
It is therefore this court's ultimate position
That Eminem is entitled to summary disposition."

Things That Become Evident When a Baby Arrives
'Finally, you have someone you can beat at "Got Your Nose," at least for a year or so.
'You develop a liking for mini vans sensible shoes.
'You're not so tolerant of strangers asking to touch your round little belly anymore now that you are just FAT.
'Goodbye, Happy Hour-Hello, Happy Meal!!
'Junior looks adorable in his little "sandbox," but the cat is seriously torqued about it.
'For efficiency, your paycheck is now direct-deposited to Disney.

My husband is a doctor, and he received an emergency call from a patient: She had a fly in her ear. He suggested an old home remedy. "Pour warm olive oil into your ear and lie down for a few minutes," he said.
"When you lift your head the fly should emerge with the liquid."
The patient thought that sounded like a good idea, but she still asked, "Into which ear should I pour the oil?"

A new senate page was reporting for duty on Capitol Hill in Washington. The department head who was giving him his instructions said, "And another thing. You must remember the telephone number here. If you are ever calling in from an outside line you must dial Capitol 4-3121."
Then, noticing the puzzled look on the page's face, he said, "What's the matter? You look as though you don't understand."
"Oh, nothing's the matter," the page said. "I just don't know how to dial a capital four!"

Cop Lines
"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"Just how big were those two beers?"
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

As an airline reservation agent, I took a call from a man who wanted to book a flight for two but wasn't happy with the price of $59 per ticket.
"I want the $49 fare I saw advertised," he insisted, saying he would accept a flight at any time.
I managed to find two seats on a 6 A.M. flight. "I'll take it," he said, then he worried that his wife might not like the early hour.
I warned that there was a $25 fee per person if he changed the reservation. "Oh, that's no problem," he said dismissively. "What's fifty bucks?"

A motorist was on trial for hitting a pedestrian. The motorist's lawyer made this point: "Your honor, my client has been driving for over thirty years."
To which the lawyer for the plaintiff retorted: "Your honor, if we are going to judge this case by experience, may I remind you that my client has over 55 years of walking experience."

The widow lay crying on her psychiatrist's couch. "We were married twenty-five years before he died," she said, dabbing away a tear. "Never had an argument in all those years."
"Amazing," said the doctor. "How did you do it?"
"I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward."

As an attorney in a major New Mexico law firm, I have many colleagues who work long hours. However, the reputation of one of my partners' workaholic ways even extended beyond the office.
He not only had to leave work early one day because of a medical problem, but he was also told by his doctor to stay home until the end of the week. My colleague grudgingly agrees to comply.
In the middle of the week, our receptionist received a call for him. She announced that the partner was out of the office until Friday. "Good," the caller said. "That's all I wanted to know." It was my partner's doctor.

Tina Turner worked on a farm for a while before becoming famous. She was in charge of chickens and chicken-feed and egg-gathering. Being an intelligent, efficient woman, it wasn‘t long before she was bored with her daily routine, and decided to play mental games to keep things interesting.
One of these games involved ranking the hens in order of egg productivity. The number one hen laid two eggs a day, one in the morning and one at night, without fail. The second hen laid at least one a day, sometimes two, and the third rarely laid a second egg.
One morning, Tina noticed that one of the hens seemed to be infatuated with her. The hen followed Tina around the barnyard making moon-eyes and ignoring her feed. Being off her feed, the hen didn‘t lay. This caused her to drop from number 2 to number 3 in the rankings.
Years later, Tina Turner had the opportunity to ask, in a song,
"What‘s love got to do with it? What‘s love but a second hen demotion?"

My grandson, Chris, has worn glasses since the age of three.
When he was in the first grade he came home one day very distressed. Wanting to find out what was the matter, his mother asked, "Chris, what happened today to upset you so much?"
He answered, "It's not fair I'm not allowed to go to the library."
His mother became very concerned and asked, "Why aren't you allowed to go to the library?"
With a tearful reply he said, "Because, in order to go to the library you have to have super-vision, and I wear glasses!"

After a heavy day's digging at the archeological site in Norway, researchers uncovered a priceless statue of the ancient Norse thunder god. He had bulging muscles and imposing stance, and his famous giant hammer. But most important of all, the eyes in his fierce-looking face were made of two giant rubies that glittered with a brilliant red color.
Of course, the two leading archeologists on the dig were both determined that they should be the one to have their name listed on the discovery. Pretty soon, a big argument was underway.
The two provided the others with a great source of amusement for the evening. By the time they finally gave up and called a truce, everyone else was feeling quite refreshed by the entertainment. As the crowd dispersed, one junior digger turned to his friend, and said:
"Well, that was a fight for Thor eyes."

"I'm going to look just like you mommy!" the baby girl announced.
"Maybe, when you grow up," her mother told her.
"No mommy, tomorrow. I just put on that 'Oil of Old Lady' you always use."
L.A. Dodgers announcer Vin Scully told the Chicago SUN-TIMES about former big-league infielder Gene Freese: "He once got back to the hotel after a night on the town, dialed the front desk and asked for a 7 A.M. wake-up call. The operator said, "You just missed it."

A Farmer's Will
TO MY WIFE: My overdraft at the bank. Maybe she can explain it.
TO MY BANKER: My soul. He has the mortgage on it anyway.
TO MY NEIGHBOR: My clown suit. He'll need it if he continues to farm as he has in the past.
TO THE ASCS: My grain bin. I was planning to let them take it next year anyway.
TO THE FARM ADVISOR: 50 bushels of corn to see if he can hit the market. I never did.
TO THE JUNK MAN: All my machinery. He's had his eye on it for years.
TO MY UNDERTAKER: A special request. I want six implement and fertilizer dealers for my pallbearers. They're used to carrying me.
TO THE WEATHERMAN: Rain, sleet, and snow for the funeral please. No sense having good weather now.
TO THE GRAVEDIGGER: Don't bother. The hole I'm in should be big enough.
TO THE MONUMENT MAKER: For the epitaph: "Here lies a farmer who has now properly assumed all of his obligations."

(No animals were hurt in making this joke!)
Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor," he said, "I need you to cut off my dog's tail."
The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?"
"Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."

This woman was talking to her friend when she got back from her recent trip to Spokane, Washington. Her friend asked her how she liked Spokane.
She answered, "I don't know, I never got there."
So the friend says, "You never got there... what do you mean?"
She answers, "You know me, I have to stop at every rest area and they all say 'clean bathrooms', well. . . it takes longer than you think!"

A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting. He tried unsuccessfully to locate his
Car-pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them.
Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk: "I have a last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Dave."
At 7:00 p.m., the man stopped at his desk and found this note: "Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You drove, you idiot."

My co-worker and I were making a sales call to a rural Baptist church. We gave our presentation to the church committee, and then the group's chairman walked down to the altar and knelt down.
After a minute of silent prayer, he returned and announced in a solemn tone, "The Lord tells me we should wait."
My colleague responded by walking to the altar and kneeling down himself. Then he returned to the group, looked at the chairman, and declared, "He wants to talk with you again."

A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said, "Go home and show her you're the boss."
The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with he boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?"
"I certainly do," said his smiling wife calmly and rather sweetly, "The undertaker."

A mother was showing her son how to zip up his coat. "The secret," she said, "is to get the left part of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up."
The boy looked at her quizzically...
"Why does it have to be a secret?"

To keep your husband from reading your email, put it in a folder labeled "instruction manuals".
To keep your wife from reading your email, put it in a folder labeled "car repair records".

A friend of mine and her husband were on vacation. They visited a Church on Sunday.
My friend likes to sit close to the front. So they entered a pew in the second row.
Shortly after settling into the pew, an usher came up to them, tapped lightly on the gate, and said, "This pew is saved."
Her husband replied, "So are WE!"

Visiting St Patrick's Cathedral on a tour of New York City, my daughter and her children were awed by the sight. The kids were especially curious about the votive candles, so my daughter asked if they'd each like to light one. She explained that is it customary to say a prayer of petition or thanks, and she was careful to tell them that these are not like birthday candles.
"Do you have any questions?" she asked.
"No," said the five-year-old, "but if there's a pony outside, it's mine."

Bill and Bob, longtime golfing buddies, were involved in a match-play contest with the score "all-square" at the 18th tee.
Bill slices his tee shot way left, and the ball finally stops on the cart path. Meanwhile, Bob smashes his first shot straight down the middle.
"Oh well," says Bill, "I should get a free drop from there."
"Heck no," says Bob, "We play the ball as it lies."
And so Bill did.
After dropping his opponent on the middle of the fairway, Bill took the golf cart to his lie on the concrete path. Sparks fly from the cart path, as Bill makes a few aggressive practice swings.
Finally, Bill hits the ball off the cart path, leaving a miraculous shot only 3 feet from the pin.
As the two meet in the fairway, Bob comments, "That was a great shot...what club did you use?"
"Your 6 iron," says Bill.

I just received this from my stock broker. Do you hold any of following stocks?
Dear Sir:
We have been informed that you hold shares in the following companies:
American Can Co
Interstate Water Co.
National Gas Co.
Northern Tissue Co.
Due to the uncertain market conditions, at this present time, we advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean.
Yours truly,
Blood, Sweat Tears, Inc.

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and shallot cream sauce.

It was moving day. The previous owners were going to finish moving out that morning, and we were going to start moving in that afternoon.
We showed up just as they were finishing up, around lunchtime. The couple was sitting down for a breather before they left, The wife suggested to her husband that they go to McDonald's for lunch. She told us with guilty pleasure, "I know it's not good for me, but I just love burgers and fries."
Her husband had a somewhat disgusted look on his face.
He told us, in all seriousness, "Not me. I'm a meat and potatoes man."