Jokes

Amanpreet had told all of his friends about the great steak he'd eaten downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if was really as large and delicious as Preet was making it out to be.

The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large, delicious pieces of dead cow.

To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the smallest steaks they'd ever seen.

"Now see here," a very embarrassed Preet said to the waiter. "Yesterday when I came down here you served me a BIG, juicy, steak. Today, though, when I have my friends about, you serve small steaks! What is the meaning of this???"

"Yes, sir," replied the waiter, "yesterday you were sitting by the window."

College Q and A

Q:What does the average Mississippi State player get on his SATs?
A: Drool.

Q: How do you get a Georgia graduate off your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.

Q: Why do the Auburn cheerleaders wear bibs?
A: To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.

Q: Why is the Vandy football team like a possum?
A: Because they play dead at home, and get killed on the road.

Q: What are the longest three years of a Florida football player's life?
A: His freshman year.

Q: How many Ole Miss freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None That's a sophomore course at Mississippi.

Q: Where was O.J. headed in the white Bronco?
A: Lexington, Kentucky-He knew that the police would never look there for a Heisman Trophy winner.

Q: Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?
A: They can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church. "When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began.

"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.

"I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued.

"The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.

"Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on.

"That would be the usher," Charlie explained.

"Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said.

"You mean the aisle," Charlie said.

"Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued.

"Pew," Charlie retorted.

"Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her."

A backslider suddenly began attending church faithfully on Sunday mornings instead of going fishing. The pastor was highly gratified and told him, "How wonderful it makes me feel to see you at services with your good wife!"

"Well, Preacher," said the fisherman, "it's a matter of choice. I'd rather hear your sermon than hers."

My son Mark was only 5 feet, 8 inches tall when he left for college in the fall. He worked through the Christmas holidays and didn't return home again until the February break.

When he got off the plane, I was stunned at how much taller he looked. Measuring him at home, I discovered he now stood at 5 feet, 11 inches. My son was as surprised as I. "Couldn't you tell by your clothes that you'd grown?" I asked him.

"Since I've been doing my own laundry," he replied, "I just figured everything had shrunk."

During a training cruise, a destroyer was weaving its way through a myriad of islands and small fishing boats. Although it was a clear day, the radar was in operation to train the reservists. A report came from the radar room to the bridge, "Target bearing 230 degrees, believe it to be a log."

Unimpressed by this superb job of radar interpretation, the young officer of the deck scanned the water with his powerful glasses. Perceiving a pair of sea gulls on top of the accurately reported log, he barked, "Radar, this is the bridge. Regarding your last reported target, there are two sea gulls on that log which you failed to report!"

There was a long silence as the radar antenna was swung about and pointed in the direction of the log. Then the voice of the Chief Radar man was heard, "Regarding the last sighting, we have a correction to make, sir. There ARE two sea gulls on that log - one male, the other female!"

Two neighbors had been fighting each other for four decades.

Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog.

So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. After about a year and a half of Bob's cow crapping in Bill's yard, being ignored all the while, a semi pulls up in front of Bill's house.

Bob runs over and demands to know what's in the 18-wheeler.

"My new pet elephant," Bill replies solemnly.

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance. "This is a very smart dog," the man commented.

"Not so smart," said one of the players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, where exactly is Larry's bar?"

The Governor made room on his busy calendar to hear the pleas of one Mrs. Smith that her husband be released from the state penitentiary. "What was he sentenced for?" asked the Governor gently.

"For stealing a loaf of bread," nervously replied the offender's wife.

"Is he a good husband?"

"No," she replied frankly, blushing a bit. "He beats me when he gets drunk, he bullies our children, he's unfaithful, and really not much good at all."

"It sounds to me as though you're better off without him," said the Governor. "Why on earth do you want him out of jail?"

"Well," she explained, "we're out of bread again."

What's dumb?
Directions on toilet paper.

What's dumber than that?
Reading them.

Even dumber?
Reading them and learning something.

Dumbest of all?
Reading them and having to correct something you've been doing wrong.

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.

The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"

The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."

The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "How do you start a flood?

A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, "Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?"

The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night."

Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?"

Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the barman answers.

Do you want to try?"

No, but thanks anyway."

Why not?" asks the barman.

The steaks are too high."

That is old!

Old is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefooted.

Old is when your Doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore, but just holds you up to the light.

Old is when a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car.

Old is when you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

Old is when your wife says "lets go upstairs and make Love" and you answer "Honey, I can't do both.

And he adds... Sure I've gotten old. I've had 2 bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, and fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia, poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore, can't remember if I'm 85 or 92, but...

THANK GOD, I STILL HAVE MY DRIVER'S LICENSE

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until the rancher who owned the bull came along and shot him.

The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

Whenever I travel by plane someone always says, "Have a safe trip."

Since when does a safe plane flight become my responsibility? I'm not even sure what I'm supposed to do! Go kick the tires, drug test the pilot, what? I feel I'm doing my part by not going up to the cockpit every five minutes and asking, "Are we there yet?"

"The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience..

"I watched my wife''s routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets,often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree. The leaf had been pressed in between pages.

"Momma, look what I found", the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered: "It's Adam's suit!!!!!"

"Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son."

"OK: He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery."

"How can you say all that without even meeting him?"

"I thought you said he's 13?"

A Polish couple were delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."

The two teenage girls were driving around town. One of the friends turned to the other and said, "So, what did your old man say when you told him you were pregnant?"

"You want me to leave out the profanities?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Nothing."

An old man was a witness in a burglary case.

The defense lawyer asked Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"

"Yes," said Sam, "I saw him plainly take the goods."

The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"

"Yes" says Sam, "I saw him do it."

Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eye sight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?"

Sam says, "I can see the moon, how far is that?"

Last night, I was frustrated by a mole who was digging up the hill toward the house, leaving a trail of mounds. So I went outside to take the hose and try to wash the mole out of its tunnel. As I left I overheard my daughter, Jennifer, saying,

"There goes Dad again, . . .making fountains out of mole hills."

A guy goes to the Patents Office with some designs.

He tells the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention, a folding bottle".
Clerk: Oh yes, what do you call it?
Inventor: A fottle.
Clerk: That's a silly name, can you think of something else?
Inventor: I'll think about it. I've got something else here, a folding carton.
Clerk: And what do you call that?
Inventor: A farton.
Clerk: That's rude, you can't possibly use that name.
Inventor: Gee, you're going to hate the name of my folding bucket.

A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home from work just jumping for joy. He didn't know why she was jumping for joy but thought, what the heck, and started jumping up and down with her.

When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"

He said, "Great, tell me what you're so happy about!"

She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told him that she was pregnant!

He was ecstatic! They had been trying for awhile. He kissed her and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"

Then, she said, "Oh, honey, there's more!"

He asked, "What do you mean, 'more'?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.

She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin pack home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!"

Strength

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do. - Eleanor Roosevelt

Friendship

Friendship with ones self is all important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world. - Eleanor Roosevelt

Living Life

I could not, at any age, be content to take my place by the fireside and simply look on. Life was meant to be lived. Curiosity must be kept alive. One must never, for whatever reason, turn his back on life. - Eleanor Roosevelt

Brain Teaser: Can You Solve It?

AALLLOUGNINCEACELSSSEANRYTELNETCTEERS

If you cross out all unnecessary letters in the above string of letters, a logical sentence will remain. Can you read what it says?

See Below For answer

At a wedding rehearsal, the minister told the father of the bride, "As you give your daughter's hand to the bridegroom, you should say something nice to him."

The father, a grocery store manager, took the advice. During the wedding ceremony, he placed the bride's hand on his son- in-law's arm and said, "No deposit, no return."

Answer To Brain Teaser:
If you cross out the letters,
ALL UNNECESSARY LETTERS,
the remaining letters will spell: A LOGICAL SENTENCE!

A Molson moment. . .

Old People's pickup lines:

"What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like ... where exactly are we again?"

"Do you smell that? That's either love, or I used too much ointment this morning."

"Yes, I'm 92 ... but I have the body of a 78-year-old."

"WHO'S your granddaddy?"

"Your beautiful blue eyes are like limpid sapphire pools. Your blue hair, too."

"Hey babe, looking for a good time? How's about coming home with me and ... Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z."

Reporting on the BIG story. . .