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Tom's jokes and funny stories, from the daily pages (2002–2004) and the joke database (2006). 2,977 items · page 15 of 75

Joke#561

RED RIDING HOOD'S REVENGE!

This is a nice one you could tell your children or grandchildren at bedtime. It would cut their fears and tensions I'm sure. Perhaps bring a small smile to their cute little faces.

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

"My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf.", says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 2 miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.

"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf.", taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you get lost?! I'm trying to take a shit!"

Joke#562

On their wedding night, the young bride went up to her new husband.

"Since we're married now, we can arrange our sex life like this: In the evening, if my hair is done, that means I don't want sex at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not have sex. And if my hair is completely undone, that means I want sex."

"Okay sweetheart," the groom replied. "Just make sure, when I come home, I usually have a drink. If I have only one drink, that means I don't want sex. If I have two drinks, I may or may not want sex. But if I have three drinks, your hair doesn't matter!"

Joke#563

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's a kind of tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." Again God agreed.

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span." Monkey said," How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten the dog gave back, and the ten the monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

Joke#564

If a man overdoses on Viagra, how do they get the casket lid shut?

If the insurance companies are going to set guidelines before approving Viagra coverage, what are they going to use? A growth chart?

I dropped a Viagra in a jar of small sweet pickles last night and this morning had a jar full of big Kosher dills.

I would only take Viagra for intellectual purposes, so my head would swell.

Before Viagra, for some people, making love was classified as "assault with a dead weapon."

Viagra, medicine's version of "MIRACLE-GRO."

Mix Viagra and Prozac and you have a guy who is ready to go, but doesn't really care where.

Are you taking Viagra or are you just happy to see me?

If however you do need to take Viagra, remember to swallow them quickly otherwise you'll get a stiff neck.

A shipment of Viagra was high jacked today. Police have put out an All-Points bulletin: Be on the lookout for two hardened criminals! They will face a stiff sentence when convicted and they'll surely be sent to a Penal Institution.

Scientists developed the idea for Viagra after studying President Clinton's DNA.

Joke#565

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period," reported Johnnie.

"Well I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period."

"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

Joke#566

"My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley."

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."

"Aye,.. that he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord,... didn't you have anything in YOUR hand?"

"Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's tit." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"

Joke#567

To become a doctor at the Moron School Of Medicine, answer these questions:

Question Answer

Artery The study of painting

Bacteria Back door to cafeteria

Barium When doctors make mistakes

Bowel A letter like a, e, i, o, u

Caesarian Section A district in Rome

Cauterize Make eye contact with her

Coma Punctuation mark

Cat Scan Searching for kitty

Congenital Friendly

Dilate To live long

Enema Not a friend

Genital Not Jewish

High Colonic Jewish holiday

Impotent Important and well known

Labor Pain Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff A Doctor's walking stick

Morbid Make another bid

Nitrate Much cheaper than day rate

Out Patient A patient who has fainted

Papsmear Fatherhood test

Pelvis Cousin of Elvis

Post operative Letter deliveryman

Recovery Room Place to do upholstery

Rectum Damn near killed 'em

Rheumatic Thinking of love

Secretion Hiding something

Seizure Marc Anthony's friend

Tablet Small table

Terminal illness Getting sick at the airport

Tumor More than one

Urine Opposite of you're out

Varicose Very, very close

Vein Conceited

Benign After you be 8 years old

Joke#568

Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing.

One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him. Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered their sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"

Well, Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, 'Is that mule for sale!?'"

Joke#569

Rejected Hallmark Cards

My tire was thumping, I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire, I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

You had your bladder removed and you're on the mend.
Here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.

You've announced that you're gay, won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! Cause when I had mine I got real snippy.

Heard your wife left you, how upset you must be.
But don't fret about it, she moved in with me.

You totaled your car and can't remember why.
Could it have been, that whole case of Bud Dry?

Joke#570

A man had a terrible accident. His manhood was mangled and torn from his body. The doctor reassured him that modern medicine made it possible for his manhood to be rebuilt, but insurance didn't cover the expense. It was considered cosmetic. He had three choices - small for $3,500; medium for $6,500 and large for $14,000.

The man was sure he'd want a medium or large. The doctor suggested that he discuss it with his wife privately before a final decision was made.

The doctor left the room and while he was gone the man called his wife and told her their options.

The doctor returned and found the man looking very sad.

"Did you make a decision?" the doctor asked.

"Yes," said the man. "She'd rather remodel the kitchen!"

Joke#571

When a hospital runs out of maternity nurses they have a mid-wife crisis.

I overheard a friend telling his pal, "I can't break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning."
"What is she doing?" the pal asked.
"Waiting for me to get home."

"Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense."
- Mark Twain

"Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened."
- Winston Churchill

"The victor will never be asked if he told the truth"
- Adolf Hitler

Actually, should the truth be known, there are a lot of good ways to "handle" a woman.
Unfortunately, not a man alive knows any of them.

Joke#572

* In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

* The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf.

* Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players!

* Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

* The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.

* There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly -- or start cheating.

* An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice - once before swinging, and once again, after swinging.

* Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh.

* Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

* Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

* There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.

* Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken.

Joke#573

Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady from a nearby city.

The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep 'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops them cold.

Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."

Joke#574

The Advantages Of Getting Older

Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
If you've never smoked, you can start now and it won't have time to hurt you.
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.

Joke#575

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries.

The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.

"What are you doing?" his mother asked.

"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained.

"So I'm looking for the seal. I sure hope he's okay."

Joke#576

A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this IS a Union House."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!!!" the UAW man said. He handed the Madam $100.00, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then gesturing to an 85 year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has Seniority."

Joke#577

Joe met a nice girl who worked for at carnival. They quickly became attracted to each other, and she invited Joe to her house.

When he got there, he noticed a few strange things. First, he noticed that her hallway was filled with those "funny mirrors" that make you look tall and skinny, or short and fat.

He also noticed that her bedroom had many shelves of fluffy toys.

That was the last thing he noticed before she threw him on the bed. He screwed the ever-lovin' daylights out of her, and when he was done, he asked, "So,... how was it?"

And she said, "You can have anything from the bottom shelf, unless you want to try again and win something from the middle shelf!"

Joke#578

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God... "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man', Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster and more muscular than you. He'll also need your advice to think properly. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about, hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"

"Yeah, well.... you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

Joke#579

In 1774 Betsy Ross asked a group of colonists for their opinion of the flag she had made.

It was the first flag poll.

Joke#580

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."

I said, "You'll be sorry."

He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"

I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

Joke#581

Over the years you may have noticed that most 2 year olds are trim. It came to me one day over a cup of grapefruit juice and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason.

After consultation with pediatricians, x-ray technicians, and distraught mothers, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive and offers great variety and sufficient quantity. ENJOY!

Day 1:

Breakfast- One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.

Lunch- Four crayons (any color) a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk- 3 sips, then spill the rest.

Dinner- A dry stick, 2 pennies, 4 sips of flat diet pop.

Bedtime snack- Toast a piece of bread, butter it, and toss it face down on the floor.

Day 2:

Breakfast- Pick up stale toast from the floor and eat it. Drink 1/2 bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch- Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and one ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon snack- Lick an all day sucker until sticky, take it outside and drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until clean again, then bring inside and drop on living room carpet.

Dinner- A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour iced tea over mashed potatoes, eat with spoon.

Day 3:

Breakfast- 2 pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers, rub fingers in hair to clean. Glass of milk, drink half, stuff excess pancakes in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from carpet, lick off fuzz until sticky again, then leave on cushion of your best chair.

Lunch- Peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several well-chewed bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk onto table, then slurp up.

Dinner- Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, 1 sip of cold coffee.

Final Day:

Breakfast- 1/4 tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bite of soap, one olive. Pour glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add 1/2 cup of sugar. Wait until cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog with your spoon.

Lunch- Eat crumbs off the kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner- A plate of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Handful of cheese snacks, eat 2 and place the rest in bowling ball holes or any other convenient hiding place.

Joke#582

My son, a West Virginia state trooper, stopped a woman for going 15 miles over the speed limit. After he handed her a ticket, she asked, "Don't you give out warnings?"

"Yes, Ma'am," he replied. They're all up and down the road. They say, 'Speed limit 55.'"

Joke#583

Hillary Clinton goes to a new doctor in Washington for an examination and he discovers that she has crabs. He thinks to himself "How am I going to tell the senator that she has crabs?"

After the exam he tells her to get dressed and meet him back in his office. Once there he proceeds to tell her that she has a very unusual condition.

She is quite concerned and asks him what it is.

He responds that she is suffering from Nixon's Disease.

She says "What?"

He again responds "Nixon's Disease."

She says, "Level with me doc, what does it mean?"

He responds, "Well Senator Clinton, to put it very bluntly, you've got bugs in your oval office."

Joke#584

This guy is having an affair with a married woman and her husband comes home early from work one day. She jumps up and tells the man to go into the bathroom to hide. Just as he gets in the bathroom and she hides his clothes under the bed, the husband opens the door and comes in.

He asks, ''What the hell are you doing?''

Thinking quickly, the wife says, ''Uhm...waiting for you.''

The suspicious husband looks at her in disbelief and says, ''But you're naked.''

Again the woman says, ''Yeah... I was waiting for you.''

The husband relaxes and says, ''Hold on, I'm going to jump in the shower. I'll be back in a flash!''

The wife tries to stop him but he just ignores her and rushes for the bathroom. When he opens the bathroom door, there is a naked man jumping around and clapping.

The husband asks,''What in the hell are you doing?''

He replied, ''I'm the exterminator, and your wife called saying you guys had a problem with moths.''

The husband looks him over and says, "But you're naked.''

The man looks down, jumps in surprise and mutters, 'Them little bastards.''

Joke#585

After a long and serious operation, Lena ended up in a coma. Try as they might, the doctors just couldn't bring her out of it. When her husband Ralph came into the intensive care unit to see her, the doctors gave him the bad news.

"We just can't wake her. It doesn't look good I'm afraid," the doctor told Ralph in a quiet somber voice.

Ralph looked at Lena and with a soft trembling voice said, "But doctor, she's so young. She's only 45."

"37," came the weak reply from Lena.

Joke#586

A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. Was it true, the woman wanted to know, that the medication the doctor had prescribed was to be taken daily for the rest of her life? She was told that it was.

There was a moment of silence before the woman cautiously asked, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"

Joke#587

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

He asks "What for?"

She says "I want to kill my husband".

He says "Sorry, I can't do that."

She then reaches into her handbag and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him.

He says, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription..."

Joke#588

A woman is in her doctor's office, and suddenly shouts out "Doctor, kiss me!"

The Doctor looks at her and says "It's against the code of ethics to kiss you."

About 20 minutes later the woman again shouts out "Doctor, please, kiss me just once!"

Again he refuses, apologetically, and says "As a doctor I simply cannot kiss you."

Finally, another 15 minutes pass, and the woman pleads with her doctor; "Doctor, Doctor, please kiss me just once!"

"Look" he says, "I am sorry. I just CANNOT kiss you. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be screwing you right now."

Joke#589

Two senior ladies met for the first time since graduating from high School. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, did you manage to live a well planned life?"

"Oh yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker."

Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"

"One for the money, two for the show. three to get ready and four to go."

Joke#590

This guy was having a drink in a bar. It didn't escape his notice that the bartender was a very sexy lady. She came over to chat for a bit and he said, "I bet I can keep an eye on this drink while I go to the bathroom," as he lay a $10 bill on the bar.

She knew the bathroom was around the corner and accepted his bet. He removed his glass eye and took off to the john.

"Very funny," she said when he returned.

He smiled and said, "Ok, look, let's try another one."

Again, a $10 bill goes down on the table. "I'll bet you I can bite my own ear."

She matches the $10 and watches unbelievingly as the guy removes his false teeth and clamps them down on his ear.

He grins and said, "All right, one more bet. A chance to win your money back. I bet I can make love to you so tenderly that you won't feel a thing."

Thinking this was something she knew about, she took him by the hand out back behind the bar and lifted her skirt. They went to town.

A few moments later she giggled, "I can feel you."

He kept on pumping and said, "Well, win some, lose some!"

Joke#591

An elderly man married a girl in her early twenties. The wedding went fine and they left on their honeymoon. The elderly gentleman didn't get right with the program after they went to bed that night. The young wife felt that he was probably tired and let him sleep for a while. A couple of hours later she was really horny, so she decided that this had gone on long enough, but wanted not to appear over anxious and let him be the one in charge. She woke the old fellow up.

"What's the matter," he asked.

She purred, "This side of the bed is to hard, I want to lay on your side."

The old fart scratched his head, got up and walked around the bed. He then got in on her side and went to sleep.

A few minutes later she was starting to really want to consummate things. She was just so hot, so she awoke him again.

"What now?" he asked.

She said, "You know I think I was wrong, maybe that side is more comfortable let me lie on that side."

Again he got up walked around, got in, and went to sleep. By this time, she was really ready to make hard, passionate, sex.

She really didn't care at this point how it would appear to him. She awoke him again and said, "No, I was wrong your side is more comfortable. Instead of getting up, why don't you just crawl over me and I will scoot across the bed?"

He started over and she stopped him right on top and held him.

"Now, do you know what I really want?", she asked, holding him tightly while squirming a bit underneath his old body.

He replied, "Yeah! You want the whole damned bed! Well, you aren't going to get it!"

Joke#592

An old man limped into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, my knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!"

The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, "Sir, how old are you?"

"I'm 98," the man announced proudly.

The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again. Finally he said, "Sir, I'm sorry. I mean, just look at you. You are almost one hundred years old, and you're complaining that your knee hurts? Well, what did you expect?"

The old man said, "Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it doesn't hurt!"

Joke#593

When I was 18, I got a boyfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate guy, but he was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, he was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a guy with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a guy with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting guy, but I couldn't keep up with him. He rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. He did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. He made me miserable as often as happy. He was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a guy with some ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious guy with his feet planted firmly on the ground and had a commitment ceremony with him. He was so ambitious that he left me, took everything I owned, and ran off with my best friend.

I am now 40 and am looking for a guy with a big dick.

Joke#594

After a long night of making love the young man rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches setting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before my operation."

Joke#595

A fine funeral was ordered for a woman who had henpecked her husband, driven her kids half nuts, scrapped with the neighbors at the slightest opportunity, and even made neurotics of the cat and dog with her explosive temper.

As the casket was lowered into the grave, a violent thunderstorm broke, and the pastor's benediction was drowned out by a blinding flash of lightning, followed by terrific thunder.

"Well," commented one of the mourners, "sounds like she got where she was going."

Joke#596

Sidney has a problem with premature ejaculation, so he pays a visit to a sex shop for a remedy. The clerk hands him a little purple can and says, "This is Stay-Hard spray... put on a little and you can go all night!"

Excited, Sidney takes it home, stashes it in the cellar on a shelf, and waits eagerly for bedtime.

Later that night, he sprays some on his member and then goes upstairs to his wife. To his utter disappointment, however, the remedy seems to make him orgasm quicker than ever.

The next day, Sidney returns to the sex shop, angrily slammed the can down on the counter, and snaps, "This stuff makes me worse than before!"

Upon reading the label, the clerk asks, "I don't suppose your hid this stuff on your basement shelf, did you?"

"Yeah, so?"

"You must have grabbed the wrong can, sir... this is Easy-Off."

Joke#597

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best lay in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was sweet!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"

Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"

Joke#598

Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide. One says to the other, "I'm sorry - I was looking for my wife."

"What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate."

"Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?"

"She's tall, with long hair, long legs, firm boobs and a tight butt. What's your wife look like?"

"Err..Uh..Never mind, let's just look for yours!"

Joke#599

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

Well" he explained, "By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen."

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself, "I'll go one better than that English bastard" and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well," he explained, "By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen."

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself, "I'll go one further than those mainland bastards" and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well," he explained, "by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure..."

Joke#600

A man was on his first business trip to Japan, and he decided to check out the local Whore House. He walked in and was assigned a young girl with a body that got him "up" immediately. As soon as they reached the room, he started ripping her clothes off and going to town.

Moaning and grunting, the girl was screaming in Japanese, "Wasukima! Wasukima!" He was sure that she was praising him for his good job, so he kept going harder than ever.

Later, he went golfing with his boss and a few clients.

As the clients were Japanese, he decided to impress them with his new knowledge of their language. When one of them got a hole in one, he raised his arms and shouted "Wasukima!".

All of the men looked at him quizzically, and one of them asked, "Why are you shouting 'wrong hole'?"