Jokes

A woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway.

She yelled at the boyfriend, "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window; my husband's home early!"

The boyfriend looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there!"

She said, "If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!"

So the boyfriend grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he began running down the street, he discovered he had run right in the middle of a town marathon, so he started running along beside the others. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could.

One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?"

He answered, while gasping for air, "Oh, yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."

The other runner then asked the nude man, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?"

The nude man answered breathlessly, "Oh, yes, that way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

The runner then asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

His reply: "Only if it's raining!"

There was a city boy who had just moved into the country. He went walking around to check out his surroundings and found a farmer selling chickens. The city boy went over to the farmer to see how much he was selling them for. The farmer asked him if he wanted a male or a female. The city boy asked for both. So the farmer said, "Here you go, one cock and one pull-it."

The city boy confused asked him what he meant.

The farmer said, "A cock is a male chicken and a pull-it is a female chicken."

The city boy said, "Oh," and went on his way with two chickens one under each arm.

A bit further down the road he saw a donkey for sale. He went to the man who was selling it to find out how much it was.

The man said, "The ass is 15 dollars."

The city boy replied, "No, I want the donkey out side in your yard."

The man just said, "That's an ass."

The city boy, new to these terms, just said, "Oh." and bought the donkey.

As he was leaving the man yelled out, "Wait, the ass gets a bit stubborn about going over hills, so you have to scratch him behind the ears to get him going again."

So the city boy is going back home and the donkey stops dead in its tracks and he can't get it to move. He can't scratch its ear because he would have to drop one of the chickens and it would run away.

So the city boy starts to fuss and yell at the donkey. While he is doing this a beautiful women walks up and asks him if he needs help.

The city boy thinks, hey why don't I try to impress this beautiful women by using my new slang terms that I learned today. So the city boy turns to the woman and says, "Yeah, could you hold my cock and pull-it while I scratch my ass?"

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes", whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes," came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes," whispered the child, "A policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The searchy team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss then had to ask, "Why are they there?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle...

"They're looking for me!"

Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreos:

1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time
3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite afterwards.
4. In little feverous nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10. I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreos.

Your Personality:

1. The whole thing: This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children.

2. One bite at a time: You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that's okay, not to worry, you're normal.

3. Slow and Methodical: You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed limit.

4. Feverous Nibbles: Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.

5. Dunked: Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction.

6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie: You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior.

7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie: You are good at business and take risk that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's ok, you don't care, you got yours.

8. Just the cookie, not the inside: You enjoy pain.

9. I just like to lick them, not eat them: Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help - immediately.

10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreos: You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to up-scale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a priss.

After applying some simple algebra to some trite phrases and clichés a new understanding can be reached of the secret to wealth and success. Here it goes.

Knowledge is Power
Time is Money,
... and, as every engineer knows:
Power is Work over Time.

So, substituting algebraic equations for these time worn bits of wisdom, we get:

K = P (1)
T = M (2)
P = W/T (3)

Now, do a few simple substitutions:

Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields:

K = W/T (4)

Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields:

K = W/M (5)

Now we've got something. Expanding back into English, we get:

Knowledge equals Work over Money.

What this MEANS is that:

1. The More You Know, the More Work You Do, and
2. The More You Know, the Less Money You Make.

Solving for Money, we get:

M = W/K (6)
Money equals Work Over Knowledge.

From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches 0, regardless of the Work done.

What THIS MEANS is:

The More you Make, the Less you Know.

Solving for Work, we get:

W = M K (7)
Work equals Money times Knowledge

From equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0.

What THIS MEANS is:

The stupid rich do little or no work.

Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is left as an exercise for the reader.

One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look. Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door.

"Excuse me," the man stammered, "But I couldn't help but notice how beautiful your wife is."

"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.

"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts."

The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside.

"OK," the husband says gruffly, "For ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's breasts."

At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed.

"Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growls.

"I can't," replies our awe-struck man, still nuzzling away.

"Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now.

"I don't have ten thousand dollars."

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2. a.m.

The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and "very" satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"

Cinderella just grinned.

"Well, then, how was the prince?" asked the flustered fairy godmother.

"Who cares about some stupid prince! I met someone much better!"

"What was his name?"

Cinderella answered giddily, "Can't remember, exactly ... Peter, Peter, something or other...."

In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone who occasionally has a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone:

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a telephone call that I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and may I please speak to Robin Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass" and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He would answer and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It always cheered me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me. I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number and heard his voice. "Hello?"

I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our new caller ID program."

He answered, "No!" and slammed down the receiver.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"

The reason I'm taking the time to tell you this story is to show you how if there's ever anything bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 555-1212.

(Keep reading, it gets better.)

One day an old lady at the mall was really taking her time pulling out of her parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move ever so slowly and she began backing out. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving.

All of a sudden this black Camero came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't do that, buddy! I was here first!"

The guy got out of his Camero completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy is a jackass. There sure are a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

The next day I was at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 555-1212 and yelling, "You're a jackass!"

(It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.)

Then I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro and decided to call him too. After a couple of rings someone answered the phone. I asked, "Are you the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car is parked right out front."

I asked, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Sure."

"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don's number to my speed dialer. Now I had two jackasses to call whenever I had a bad day. However this wasn't as much fun as it used to be. So I thought about it and came up with a solution.

First, I had my phone dial jackass #1. The man answered nicely and I yelled, "You're a jackass!" But I didn't hang up.

The jackass said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No!"

He said, "What's your name, pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen."

He said, "Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro is parked out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" And I hung up.

Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."

I said, "Hello, jackass!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your butt."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, jackass!"

And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious!

I watched two jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter I also taped it off the evening news!

A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill.

The doctor says, "You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening."

The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well.

"Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember," she says. "I am going to treat you like a king."

She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles-the works.

After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen. She leads him into their bedroom.

They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise.

Well, the husband is wide-awake watching the clock. He knows that he is doomed. He taps her...

"Honey?" he whispers.

She rolls over and again proceeds to make love.

Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband's dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore.

Well, the man decides to tap her again.

"Honey?" he whispers.

She rolls over and yells, "Oh sure! You don't have to get up in the morning!!!"

Note: All "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions.

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide:

A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. What about hugging another male?

A. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease
B. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver.
C. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:
(1) He is legally within the base path,
(2) Both of you are wearing sufficient protection, and (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.

5. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.

6. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy-you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.

7. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her - sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?

8. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"

9. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody -- and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.

10. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.

11. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. The Remote control.

You are no longer "cool" when ...

1. You find yourself listening to talk radio.
2. You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.
3. The pattern on your shorts and couch match.
4. You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.
5. Your wife buys a flannel nighty and you find that sexy.
6. You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.
7. You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.
8. You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.
9. You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.
10. When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.
11. When jogging is something you do to your memory.
12. Sex becomes "All that foolishness".
13. Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.
14. All the cars behind you turn on their headlights.
15. You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation.
16. You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.
17. You actually ASK for your father's advice.
18. When someone mentions surfing, you picture waves and a surf board.

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn't be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak.

She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little?", she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Ray, came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Ray!"

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but, farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy and takes the rooster home. He then sets him down in the barnyard and gives the rooster a pep talk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. "So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer ended with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Randy took off like a shot.

WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.

After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there.

Later, the farmer sees Randy after the flock of geese down by the lake. Once again, WHAM! He gets all the geese.

By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught -- worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob -- stone cold in the middle of the yard and buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "SHHHH, they're getting closer..."

Love, Lust, or Marriage...

Here's a guide to help you determine whether you are in love, in lust, or are married

Love - when your eyes meet across a crowded room.
Lust - when your tongues meet across a crowded room.
Marriage - when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care.

Love - when intercourse is called making love.
Lust - all other times.
Marriage - what's intercourse?

Love - when you share everything you own.
Lust - when you think twice about giving your partner bus money.
Marriage - when the bank owns everything.

Love - when it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
Lust - when the relationship is over if you don't climax.
Marriage - what's a climax?

Love - when you phone each other just to say "I love you."
Lust - when you phone each other just to organize sex.
Marriage - when you phone each other to find out what time your kid's game starts.

Love - when you write poems about your partner.
Lust - when all you write is your partner's phone number.
Marriage - when all you write is checks.

Love - when you show concern for your true love's feelings.
Lust - when you show concern for whether your partner is cute & sexy.
Marriage - when your only concern is what's on television; & where is the remote?

Love - when your farewell is, "I love you, darling."
Lust - when your farewell is, "Same time next week?"
Marriage - when your farewell is, "Don't forget to pick up the kids on the way home."

Love - when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
Lust - when you only see each other in the bedroom.
Marriage - when you never see each other awake.

Love - when your heart flutters every time you see them.
Lust - when your groin twitches every time you see them.
Marriage - when your wallet empties every time you see them.

Love - when nobody else matters.
Lust - when nobody else knows.
Marriage - when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.

Love - when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
Lust - when all the songs on the radio are just the same old mushy stuff.
Marriage - when you never have time to listen to music.

Love - when breaking up is something you try not to think about.
Lust - when staying together is something you try not to think about.
Marriage - when wondering how you will get through the day is something you try not to think about.

Love - when you're interested in everything your partner does.
Lust - when you're only interested in one thing.
Marriage - when you're not interested in what your partner does; and where IS that darned remote?

You know when you're in California when...

1. Your co-worker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $250,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.

5. You can't remember...is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.

9. You can't remember.....is pot illegal?

10. A really great parking space can move you to tears.

11. A low speed pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.

12. Gas costs 75 cents per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

13. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps and you don't even notice.

14. Unlike back home, the guy you glimpse at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.

15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

16. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into BDSM and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.

17. You can't remember...is pot illegal?

18. It's sprinkling outside and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH 2003."

19. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.

20. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.

21. It's sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

22. Hey!!! Is Pot Illegal???

23. You AND your dog BOTH have therapists.

A crowded United Air Lines flight was cancelled. A single agent was assigned to rebook a long line of unhappy inconvenienced travelers.

She was doing her best when suddenly an angry customer pushed his way to her desk.

He slapped his ticket down on the counter and shouted: "I don't want to stand in line. I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS and RIGHT NOW!"

The young agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir, I'll try to help you but I've got to help these folks first. I'm sure we'll be able to work things out for you."

The angry passenger was unimpressed and unrelenting. He asked loudly, so that all the passengers could hear, "I don't want to stand in line! Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitation, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have you attention, please," her voice bellowed through the terminal. We have a passenger here WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him identify himself, please come to the gate."

With the crowd laughing hysterically, he glared at her and swore, "Screw you!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too!"

Don't Sweat Aging!

The biggest problem with the younger generation these days is that I don't belong to it any more.

If I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times....(At my age, that's true of everything you can possibly ever say.)

I used to have Saturday Night Fever...Now I just have Saturday Night hot flashes.

Ever get the feeling your stuff strutted off without you?

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old...as long as she buys him a few drinks first.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose... some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

I think I've reached my sexpiration date.

People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided we get cable or that dish thing.

The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs.

The bad news is they have to squat down first.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age... But they haven't made one called, "Buns of Putty."

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

Don't let aging get you down... It's too hard to get back up.

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Make love to me or climb the ladder to success," she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Do me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."

On the next cloud was an even prettier lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered.

As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Just do me like crazy here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.

Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.

"Who are you?" the man asked.

"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"