Tom's jokes and funny stories, from the daily pages (2002–2004) and the joke database (2006). 2,977 items · page 27 of 75
A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."
The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely.
"I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table."
Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets.
"Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile.
"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."
"Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy?"
Dogs Vs Kids
It doesn't take 45 minutes to get a dog ready to go outside in the winter.
Dogs cannot lie.
Dogs never resist nap time.
You don't need to get extra phone lines for a dog.
Dogs don't pester you about getting a kid.
Dogs don't care if the peas have been touched by the mashed potatoes.
Average cost of sending a dog to school: $42... Average cost of sending a kid: $103,000...
Dogs are housebroken by the time they are 12 weeks old.
Your dog is not embarrassed if you sing in public.
If your dog is a bad seed, your genes cannot be blamed. "
Manspeak Translated
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday."
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."
"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"
She's larger and meaner than them other prissy, stuck-up, think-thur- better'n-you Barbies. Now every girl can live the fantasy of ignorance and poverty with her special trailer park friend.
Every Redneck Barbie comes complete with:
Two packs of Marlboro Lights for Barbie's smoking pleasure!
A six pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer (It's on sale!) to refresh Barbie during her busy day of bitching and watching TV.
Stylish, every occasion Spandex pants, halter top and sandals. Hot pants or blue jean cut-offs may be substituted on dolls shipped to Southern USA. (Waffle House uniform sold separately.)
Barbie comes with platinum blonde hair with black roots showing.
Miracle-o'-procreation button - Press button on Barbie's back and she's pregnant...again!
Action bitch pull string - Barbie can say 11 phrases including "I tol' yew fuggin' kids to stay the hell outta my yard!", "Git me anuther beer, baybee.", "Whur's my fuggin' cigarettes?", and more.
Also Available:
Barbie double wide dream trailer. Mobile home fun complete with stained carpet, broken steps, and TV set. Barbie's wormy pet cat Rufus, also included. Disassembles for use with the Tornado Action Play set (Sold separately).
Barbie dream car. 1982 Camaro in mix-n'-match colors and smokin' chokin' exhaust, and coat hanger radio antenna. Holds two redneck Barbies. (Smoke non-toxic unless inhaled.)
Abusive boyfriend Ken with Ass kickin' leg action and pimp slap backhand. With cowboy boots and bottle of 'Jack.' Curses, and mumbles when string is pulled.
Married life Ken with Beer bustin' expanding waist. Molded to recliner, with TV remote, beer, chips. Says "Shut up woman." And "Git me a beer." (Waist cannot be reduced once expanded.)
My town is so tough....
Hotels that ask your name, address and next of kin to register
Ice-cream trucks that play "taps"
Gun shops that have "Back to School" sales
High school newspapers with obituary columns
Restaurants that serve broken leg of lamb
Chapters of Jehovah's Alibiers
Bowling alleys where most people bowl overhand
Schools that require a sick note co-signed by a parole officer
Christmas pageants that feature the three Wise Guys
Advice columns with hints like how to get blood off of a chain saw
A 911 emergency service with a two day waiting list
"Honor students" who practice saying "Yes/No, your honor"
Mothers who give their kids $5 every day for the holdup man
The Girl Scouts sell nookie door to door."
A young lady went to a dance, and she had a low-cut, strapless gown on. Around her neck she wore a little golden airplane on a long chain. All night she noticed a young man, staring at her.
In her embarrassment, she held up the airplane and said, "Oh, you like my airplane, huh?
The young man smiled mischievously. "No ma'am, I was just admiring the landing field."
The farmer and his wife had worked hard, they scrimped and saved to send their son to college. As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard.
Next he grew a large mustache and sideburns. Being pleased with his new hirsute adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it to his parents. On the back of the photo he scrawled, "How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?"
Soon after, the son received this terse note: "You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!"
This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs. He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle." "OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"
"A fottle, replies the inventor."
"A fottle? That's a stupid! Can't you think of something else?"
"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."
"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.
"A farton," replies the inventor.
"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!"
"In that case," says the inventor... "You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old times sake. He finds a little prostitute and goes up into the room with her, draping his sailor suit across the bed.
He's goin' at it as best he can for a guy his age and asks, "How am I doin'?"
The whore says, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."
What's that?" he asks.
She says, "You're 'knot' hard, you're 'knot' in, and you're 'knot' getting your money back!"
The Geography of a Woman:
Between the ages of 15 - 18 a woman is like China or Iran. Developing at a sizzling rate with a lot of potential but as yet still not free or open.
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bush land around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction may now be necessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.
After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
A Roast Turkey Recipe for Non Cooks
10-15 pound turkey
1/4 cup melted butter
1/4 cup stuffing
1/2 cup unpopped popcorn
salt and pepper to taste
Baste turkey with butter, salt and pepper.
Mix together remaining butter, stuffing and popcorn.
Stuff turkey with stuffing mixture.
Put in oven and bake at 350F.
When turkey's ass flies across the room, the turkey is done! Let's eat!
A lesbian goes for her annual physical. After the ob/gyn completes the physical she says, "You can get dressed now, your test results will be back in a few days, but stop by my office and I'll review the exam I just gave you."
When the patient returns to the office a few days later, the MD says, "Well, you seem to be in perfect health, I couldn't find a thing wrong in my exam. Furthermore, I'd like to compliment you on your excellent personal hygiene. I have hundreds of patients, and I can't think of a one of them who keeps her genital area so clean and fresh."
The lesbian patient says, "Well, there's a perfectly good reason for that, you see, I have a woman in three times a week."
80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.
The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"
A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"
After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."
So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting rules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as Auto-X 5.0 and NBA 3.0.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
Desperate
Dear Desperate,
Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files.
DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3.
Tech Support
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00."
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the cop: "How come you don't stop them?!"
"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:
"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00."
Little Leroy was at home doing his Math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine."
In that moment, his mother comes in and hears what he is saying.
"Leroy, what are you doing?! Why are you saying that?!"
Little Leroy answered, "I'm doing my Math homework, Mom."
She said, "And is that what your teacher taught you?"
He replied, "Yes."
The next day, the mother, worried about the education her son is receiving, goes to Little Leroy's school to talk to the teacher. The mother said to his Math teacher, "I would like to know what you are teaching my son in Math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition problems."
Little Leroy's mother asked, "And... are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
When the teacher stopped laughing she replied, "Not at all! What I taught them was two plus two THE SUM OF WHICH IS four."
The Boob Poem
For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.
After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram.
"O.K," I said, "let's do it."
"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line),
And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."
She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes,
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooter's in a vise!
My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!
"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.
"There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one.
Have mercy, I was praying.
It squeezed me from both up and down.
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.
Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steamrolled.
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"
This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out.
YOUR HOROSCOPE
Aries -- You are moving out of the shadow of Pluto and into the shadow of a large plummeting piece of Russian space junk. Dodge.
Taurus -- A good day for initiatives involving either career, the arts or insurance arson.
Gemini -- Time to make that extra effort to break the ice with the in-laws. Try cross dressing.
Cancer -- A large swarthy man will offer you refuge from the rain in his pants. Resist.
Leo -- Rise and shine. Up and at 'em. Stand and deliver. Turn your head and cough.
Virgo -- You will withdraw a large sum of money in an impromptu banking transaction. Run.
Libra -- Romantic flames burn brightly, followed tomorrow by a rash, tingling in the extremities, swelling of the tongue and blindness.
Scorpio -- This is the perfect day to redefine your relationship with your boss. Hold him hostage.
Sagittarius -- Travel beckons. Throw caution to the wind. Also, if possible, a co-worker.
Capricorn -- Indulge your lustful instincts, even if it means making the first move by doing an outrageous striptease -- unless, of course, you are spending the day on the witness stand.
Aquarius -- Time to make that big career move. It will involve international finance or being shot out of a cannon. If the latter, wear a hat.
Pisces -- Saturn puts you at the crossroads. Strike out on a new career path involving fries. Do not try to avoid the winds of change in a trailer park.
Ways to describe how stupid a person is:
1. A few clowns short of a circus
2. A few fries short of a Happy Meal
3. An experiement in artifical stupidity
4. A few beers short of a six-pack
5. Dumber than a box of hair
6. A few peas short of a casserole
7. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box
8. The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead
9. One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl
10. One taco short of a combo plate
11. A few feathers short of a whole duck
12. All foam, no beer
13. The cheese slid off the cracker
14. Body by Fisher - Brains by Mattel
15. Has an IQ of 2 and it takes 3 to grunt
16. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
17. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
18. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down
19. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools
20. As smart as bait
21. Chimney's clogged
22. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash
23. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair
24. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
25. Forgot to pay his brain bill
26. Her sewing machine's out of thread
27. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
28. His belt doesn't go through all the loops
29. If he had another brain it would be lonely
30. Missing a few buttons on his remote control
31. No grain in the silo
32. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse
33. Receiver is off the hook
34. Several nuts short of a full pouch
35. Skylight leaks a little
36. Slinky's kinked
37. Surfing in Nebraska
38. Too much yardage between the goal posts!
A husband and wife are in bed one morning. He takes her hand, and she says, "Don't touch me."
He says, "Why not?"
She answers, " Because I'm dead."
Husband says, "What are you talking about? We're lying here talking to one another."
The wife says, "No, I'm definitely dead."
Her husband insists, "You're not dead. What makes you think you're dead?"
His wife answers, "I know I'm dead because I woke up this morning, and nothing hurts."
Nine months to the day following their wedding, the Coopers had a baby. Unfortunately, it was born without arms or legs -- without even a torso. It was just a head. Still, the Coopers loved and cared for their child, spoiling and indulging it. Finally after twenty years, they took a much-needed vacation and whom should they meet on the cruise ship but a European doctor who had recently achieved a medical breakthrough. 'I know,' he said, 'how to attach arms and legs to your child, how to make him whole.'
The Coopers cut their trip short, rushed home and into the room where the head lay in its crib, and said, 'Honey... Mom and Dad have the most wonderful surprise for you!'
'Noooooo!,' shrieked the head, 'Not another hat!'
When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue
When you are married....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband...at all times.
When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time
When you are married....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"
When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public
When you are married....He flicks your ear in public
When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad
When you are married....A King size bed feels like an army cot
When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked
When you are married....You think to yourself...."Was he
ALWAYS this hairy????"
When you are dating.....You enjoyed foreplay
When you are married...You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"
When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you...
for no reason
When you are married....He grabs your boob any chance he gets
When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together
When you are married....You wonder who will die first
When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all
"mushy"
When you are married....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.
When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is
When you are married....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area
When you are dating..... He understands if you "aren't in the mood"
When you are married....He says "It's your job."
When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male"
friends
When you are married....He thinks they are all out to steal you away
When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things
When you are married....He develops a "blank" stare
When you are dating..... He calls you by name
When you are married....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She.
At Sea World, our grandson absolutely refused to see the show featuring Shamu the killer whale, but he wouldn't tell us why. No amount of discussion could get him to change his mind.
Later, when we got home, we discovered the reason for his reluctance. An aunt had told him how exciting the show would be because "they choose children from the audience to feed Shamu."
A nice young Post Office worker was sorting through her regular mail when she discovered a letter addressed as follows:
GOD, c/o Heaven.
Upon opening the envelope, the enclosed letter told about a little old lady who had never asked for anything in her life. She was desperately in need of $100 and was wondering if God could send her the money.
The young lady was deeply touched, and passed the hat among her work mates. She managed to collect $90, and she sent it off to the old lady.
A few weeks later another letter arrived addressed in the same way to God, so the young lady opened it. The letter read,
"Thank you for the money, God, I deeply appreciate it. However, I received only $90. It must have been those jerks at the post office!"
Collards is green,
my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
right out of the can.
You have some'a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape
yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles
and fix what you can.
Yo're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life more
than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin'.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.
Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey,
these just won't do.
Cause yo're too special,
you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
More useful than diamonds...
it's a new troll'n motor!!
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said-"Well yeah, if that's what they are-I never heard of circle flies."
So the farmer says-"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey... wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
How To Shower Like a Woman:
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
4. Get in the shower. Look for face cloth, arm cloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your husband flushed the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African Country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.
Sally (a blonde) was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend, Liz, never saw Sally looking' so sad. Liz, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay...but you look so sad. Why??"
Sally, "Cause I just can't get a man."
Liz, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."
Sally, "Don't be so silly. I know that. But I went in the woods 'cause I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."
Liz, "I don't understand what you're talking about."
Sally, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage."
Liz, "So, how's that gonna help you get a man."
Sally, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters."
How To Shower Like A Man:
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch your "privates" and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14. Pee (in the shower).
15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
16. Partially dry off.
17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah, baby" and thrust. your pelvis at her.
21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
The new librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a "Contract" for returning the books on time.
Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his name as he did so.
The librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out. The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust.
Before the librarian could even start her speech he said, scornfully, "That other librarian we had could write."
A man enters a Barber Shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problem he has getting a close shave around his cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The customer places the ball in his mouth and proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the clients asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem" says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"
First the Lord made man
in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself,
"There's something he's needing' ."
After casting about
for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around
and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs,
so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm,
and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips
to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm
to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts,
so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes,
as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms,
just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands,
to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair
hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes,
just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man,
just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth.
Ruined the whole f*^_ing thing.
Real sportscaster quotes
Pat Glenn - Weightlifting Commentator, "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing."
Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."
Murray Walker, "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical."
Greg Norman, "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
Alan Minter, "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."
Terry Venables, "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again"
Ron Atkinson, "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it - you can see it all over their faces."
Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977, "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."
Metro Radio, "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics: "There goes Juantorenadown the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."
US TV Commentator, "One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold Palmer] is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them, oh my God, what have I just said?"
As most young, weak and smart kids are, Ken was picked on constantly by the bullies in school. They stole his lunch, they beat him up and just downright made his life miserable. It took him a couple of weeks to find a way to get back at these bullies and when he found out what would get them back, he went all out.
He was on the bus where he normally gets his lunch stolen when he brought out a bottle that had what looked like small brown balls in it. He then, making sure no one was looking, secretly took from his pocket some milk duds and started popping them in his mouth, as obvious to the rest of the kids as possible, making yum yum noises.
The bully, without asking, snatched the jar from Ken's hand and asked, "What's in the bottle that you are making such a big deal of?"
"Well, they're smart pills."
"Smart pills?" the bully asked, then opened the jar and popped a couple of the foreign brown balls in his mouth.
"Pweeuuweppblahhh!!" he reacted. "What is this stuff? It tastes like rabbit turds!!"
"See, you're getting smarter already."
How to Dodge Religious Solicitors
It's Saturday morning when, suddenly, you hear a knock at the door. Everyone you know is either hung over or cleaning house. They all know better than to attempt any contact with you before noon anyway. It can only be one thing. Religious canvassers. Actually, that's two things, since, like snakes, they travel in pairs. You peek out the window, expecting to see two kids who look like IBM recruits.
Instead, you see a pudgy old lady in a faded print dress, attended by a skinny teenage girl with stringy hair and more freckles than a trout. The girl glances nervously at the slit in the curtain and quickly looks away. Girl Scout cookies? Raffle tickets? Opening the door out of curiosity, you become the proud owner of a copy of their tract. It was the girl who fooled you. You never figured they'd bring a kid along. You rack your brains for some gracious means of escape, making a silent resolution that next time you'll follow your instinct to stand motionless in the middle of the living room hoping that protective coloration will render you invisible.
Rack your brains no longer! After years of similar experiences, I have developed several techniques for turning those agonizing encounters into hours of entertainment. Here are just a few of the great techniques you can use:
1. Listen for a minute or two with a polite but puzzled expression and then speak in a foreign language. Better yet, make one up. Brand names for electronic components serve as an excellent base for an impromptu language. I've found the following bit to be an excellent opener: 'Fritzen mitsuba micht sony leam spartinza. Nakamichi shpont olufsen takamine. Cheloken eraza fleecht?'
2. Before you open the door, put on a pair of Groucho glasses and pour some Pine Sol in a coffee cup. Then attempt to engage them in a serious debate, spreading Pine Sol fumes by blowing occasionally into the cup as if you are cooling it. See how long you can hold them. Try to remember not to drink out of the cup.
3. Pretend to be deaf. Point to your ears, shake your head, and make intricate movements with your fingers and hands. This can backfire if they happen to know sign language. In that case, switch to being blind.
4. Tell them you are a druid. This is much more convincing if you live in an oak grove and paint yourself blue.
5. Ask them if they are from the health board about the hepatitis quarantine. Offer them a sip of your coffee.
6. Tell them you are not allowed to talk to strangers until the assault case has come to trial. More effective if you come to the door with a knife or a baseball bat.
7. Using a cordless phone, call someone you haven't talked to for a while. Then go to the door and make gestures like you'll only be a minute. See how long they stay.
The Batchelor Commandments
1. Thou shalt always fool around on your girlfriend (that way when she dumps you you can always get the last laugh).
2. Thou shalt not hose thy girlfriends friends unless you're sure you can get away with it AND you do it in her bed.
3. Thou shalt never spend more than $100 without first getting in her pants.
4. Thou shalt never marry the first girl you hose after getting out of a "slump"
5. Thou shalt never admit to being in a slump, it is always a "lull."
6. Thou shalt always have beer in the fridge.
7. Thou shalt always blow off your girlfriend at least once a month to get drunk with your buddies.
8. Thous shalt always forget to call when performing the previous commandment.
9. Thou shalt never admit to "hogging," it is always "a temporary alcohol induced standards derating."
10.Thous shalt never go on a blind date with someone described as having "a good personality."
11.Thou shalt never turn down steady pussy until it violates number four or number ten.
12.Thou shalt never eat anything high in fiber or low in cholesterol.
13.Thou shalt never drink non-alcoholic beer.
14.Thou shalt never covet thy neighbor's wife unless she covets back.
15.Thou shalt always leave the seat up. !
A fellow evidently under the influence was trying desperately to catch a train back to his suburban home. Three times he got on the wrong train. Each time he was told that he would have to take another train.
When he boarded a fourth train he slumped down in a seat beside a clergyman, whose eyes, ears and nose told him that this new passenger had been drinking too much.
He told our besotted friend: "Brother, may I tell you that you are traveling the rough and rocky road to damnation."
To which the drunk replied: "Don't tell me I'm on the wrong train again!"
A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her that she has a new drug called Viagra that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened.
The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the Viagra worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills.
The therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.
The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills.
The therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.
The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle.
The therapist says she doesn't know; it's a new drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a person.
Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office and puts the rest of the bottle of pills in the husband's morning coffee.
A week later, a boy walks into the therapist's office and says: "Are you the moron who gave my mother a bottle of Viagra?"
"Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?"
"Well, mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my ass hurts, and dad's sitting' in the corner going "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty..."