Tom's jokes and funny stories, from the daily pages (2002–2004) and the joke database (2006). 2,977 items · page 29 of 75
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
The Not So Well Documented Side Effects Of Viagra
1. At work, they call you a spiritualist because when you sit down at a meeting the table floats;
2. You begin to look at the dog with interest;
3. Your face is very pale due to lack of blood;
4. When you walk into a sauna, everyone stands and applauds. They begin to call you "The Tripod";
5. You begin to think your mother in law is pretty;
6. Sunbathing nude outside standing, birds perch on it; Sunbathing nude outside lying down, you look like a sundial;
7. Everyone at the bank, grocery store etc....lets you go to the front of the line;
8. Compared to you Pinocchio doesn't look like such a liar;
9. You always lose limbo contests;
10. Lewinsky wants you to be President someday;
11. You can make drawings in the sand without having to find a stick;
12. You sleep on your back so you had to remove the ceiling fan.
Why in America do we have a general in charge of the post office, and a secretary in charge of defense?
They say that love makes the world go around, but then so does a good swallow of tobacco juice.
You know you are a college student when you collect Taco Bell sauce to use as "salsa" on your chips and frozen burritos.
Joey is standing in front of the urinal doing his business when a large black friend of his walks up to the next urinal. Joey looks down and says, "Damn Mike, how come you guys have such big dicks?"
Mike decides he's had enough of the dumb questions so he says, "Well, I work at it. Every night I got home and tie my cock to a piece of string and then tie the other end of the string to a big ol' rock and then I swing the rock between my legs for an hour."
Joey gets all excited, thinks he's learned the secret of all secrets and rushes off.
A week later, Mike is walking down the street when Joey comes walking the other way. Mike says, "Hey, how's that working out with the rock and the string?"
Joey says, "It's working pretty well. I mean, it's not getting any longer but it's starting to turn black!"
One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin. "How did I get here, Mommy?" she asks.
Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "Why God sent you, Honey."
"And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continues.
"Yes, Sweetheart, he did."
"And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads, too?"
"Yes, Honey, all of them, too."
The child shakes her head in disbelief. "Then you're telling me there's been no sex in this family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone is so grouchy!"
I did my nurse's training at a hospital in Liverpool, England. My fellow students and I had little money for meals, so we ate the awful food provided at the hospital complex. We often took our breaks in the kitchen, and sometimes kindly visitors would give us some of the treats they had brought for patients.
One night a woman brought a pork pie to the kitchen and said to me, "Would you eat this up, love?"
Delighted at the offer, another student and I devoured every crumb. Soon our benefactor returned, however, and asked, "Is me 'usband's pie 'ot yet, dearie?"
Two rednecks were drinking beer and joy-riding when they spotted two Hispanic hitch-hikers at the side of the road. Zeke says to Jake, "Why don't we give those yahoos a scare? Act like you're going to run off the road and hit them"
Jake agrees and swerves in their direction, but he's had too much to drink and ran right over them. They both said,
"Oh well, tough luck", and continued on their way.
A little while later, Jake says to Zeke,
"I wonder where those guys were going?"
Without hesitation, Zeke replied, "Florida."
Jake asked him how he knew that and Jakes response was, "Right after you hit them, I clearly heard one of them say something about Sunny Beaches"
Many people assume that Earl Gray tea got its name by being the favorite of that English earl. However, it seems that there is a small town in Wales named Earl Gray where the town's citizens are getting concerned about the ability of their mayor to continue in office. The incumbent was initially elected in 1972 and she has run unopposed in every election since. Unfortunately, her age now hinders her from getting about.
What the citizens are saying is that --
...the Earl Gray mayor, she ain't what she used to be!
Thanks Dave......
The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING. However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing" . Well, here it is.
You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.
You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep.
Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support.
You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Junk Mail.
You are at a party, this well-built man walks up to you and gropes your breast and grabs you.... That's Arnold Schwarzenegger!
You like it, but 20 years later your attorney decides you were offended. That's America!
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.
After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply.
"Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!"
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, " My son, sex is definitely play."
The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"
The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex was work, my wife would have the maid do it."
A priest is in a church on Saturday afternoon, hearing confessions. A man walks in and kneels down and begins his confession - "Father, it has been two weeks since my last confession these are my sins. Last night I had sex with Nookie Green."
"That is your sin?"
"Yes, Father."
"You are forgiven. Go out and say one "Our Father."" and the man leaves.
Soon, another enters and kneels. "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. These are my sins. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month."
The priest thinks to himself this Nookie Green woman is fairly popular with his male parishioners... "Those are your sins?"
"Yes, Father."
"You are forgiven. Go out and say three "Hail Mary's."" The man leaves.
Soon, another enters and kneels down. "Father, it has been six months since my last confession. These are my sins, I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last six months."
This time, the priest has to ask - "Who is this Nookie Green?"
"Just a woman I know, Father."
"Very well-you are forgiven. Go out and say ten "Hail Mary's."
The priest closes the church for the evening and leaves wondering who this Nookie Green woman is. . .
The next morning, the priest is up in front of his congregation saying mass. The doors fly open in the back of the church and in walks this woman, a tall redhead with long gorgeous hair, a green sequin dress, green sequined heels and a green hat with a long green feather coming from it. She walks straight up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest, her knees apart.
The priest cannot help but stop and stare.
He finally catches himself and leans over to ask the altar boy "Pssssst.. Is that Nookie Green?"
The altar boy has a look and says, "No, Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes!"
Says a little old lady to the judge: "Your honor, I am 86 years old.
"So there I was, sitting there on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sits beside me.
"He starts to rub my thigh, and it feels good, Your Honor. So I don't stop him, and he begins to rub my old breasts, Your Honor.
"Why, Your Honor, I haven't felt that good in years! So I just spread my old legs and say to him, 'Take me, young man, Take me!'
"That's when he yelled, 'April Fool' and that's when I shot the son of a bitch!"
May the Irish hills caress you.
May her lakes and rivers bless you.
May the luck of the Irish enfold you.
May the blessings of Saint Patrick behold you.
May your neighbors respect you,
Trouble neglect you,
The angels protect you,
And Heaven accept you.
May the road rise to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face.
And rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the hollow of His hand.
Walls for the wind,
And a roof for the rain,
And drinks beside the fire -
Laughter to cheer you
And those you love near you,
And all that your heart may desire!
Always remember to forget
The things that made you sad.
But never forget to remember
The things that made you glad.
Always remember to forget
The friends that proved untrue.
But never forget to remember
Those that have stuck by you.
Always remember to forget
The troubles that passed away.
But never forget to remember
The blessings that come each day.
May God be with you and bless you,
May you see your children's children,
May you be poor in misfortune, rich in blessings.
May you know nothing but happiness
From this day forward.
May you always have work for your hands to do.
May your pockets hold always a coin or two.
May the sun shine bright on your windowpane.
May the rainbow be certain to follow each rain.
May the hand of a friend always be near you.
And may God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.
May you live as long as you want,
And never want as long as you live.
May you live to be a hundred years,
With one extra year to repent!
May there be a generation of children
On the children of your children.
May God grant you many years to live,
For sure He must be knowing
The earth has angels all too few
And heaven is overflowing.
~Traditional~
A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody-- it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.
When he had finished, the priest said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."
A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice.
The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.
"Absolutely," replied the businessman.
"You went to the beach?"
"Absolutely."
"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"
"Absolutely."
"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"
"Absolutely."
"And what were the first words you saw?"
"Chapter 11."
Seamus walked into O'Malley's bar one evening, as was his wont most evenings. As he pulled up his customary stool, Sean O'Malley was topping off his customary pint.
But just as Sean placed the beer on the bar, a fellow climbed onto a dais behind Sean and began reciting in a Very Loud Voice: "There shall be no fisticuffs." "No patron shall be served more than two drinks at one time." "No Smoking. By order of the City of New York." "Management reserves the right..."
As the voice droned on, Seamus motioned Sean over. "What's with the grandstanding back there?"
Sean answered, "I was watching TV the other night. There was some news thing about how business really improves when you do this. I haven't figured out how he's going to help me with my inventory yet, but give me a few days."
Seamus said, "But what IS he DOING?"
Came the reply, "He's my new Bar Code Reader."
In a small town in Texas, the local madam operated a telephone service. The police finally arrested her and seized her big black book in which her talent was listed.
Each officer on the force was assigned a group of the names in it and told to check them out. After a week, the Chief called a meeting to get their reports.
When it became the turn of Constable Ralph to tell what he had found, he said, "I'm sorry, Chief, but I think I should disqualify myself. One of the ladies on whom I called is an eighty-four-year-old woman. She is so charming that I have to tell you that I have fallen in love with her."
"Holy Ewings!" exclaimed the Chief. "I'm sure surprised at you, Ralph. You've been a policeman almost all your life -- and here you are, falling for the oldest trick in the book!"
Tina was on her deathbed, with her husband Mike at her side. He held her cold hand as silent tears streamed down his face." Mike," she said, weakly.
"Hush, my darling " he interrupted. "don't talk, save your strength."
But she insisted. "Mike," she continued. "Before I die, there's something that I have to confess to you."
"There is nothing to confess," said the weeping husband. "It's all right. Everything's all right."
"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, that I have been unfaithful to you."
He stroked her hand. "Now, Tina, don't be concerned. I know all about it," he sobbed.
"You do?" she gasped.
"Sure darling, Why else would I poison you? .
3 nurses go into the morgue, and there's a dead man's body lying there, with an erection. The first nurse sees it, and says "I'm dying for it," gets atop the man and has her way with it.
The second nurse says "Aye, so am I, shame to let it go to waste", and she does the same.
They turn to the 3rd nurse and ask her if she is having a go. She replies she is having her period, and declines.
One of the nurses replies, "He's dead anyway, he won't be bothered."
The last nurse agrees with this, gets on and does her thing too.
Just after she finishes, the dead man sits up. The nurses asks him "We thought you were dead!"
The man replies, "After two jump starts and a blood transfusion, you wouldn't be dead either!"
Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentleman, he would never go for this carrying on."
So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home.
On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonable sure she could control it.
Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table.
She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilized truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill.
She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage.
Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands up it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not.
At this point, he removed the blind fold, and she was surprised! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!"
Tired of having to balance his wife Cindy's checkbook, Mike made a deal with her; he would look at it, but only after she had spent a few hours trying to wrestle it into shape.
The following night, after spending hours poring over stubs and figures, Cindy said proudly, "I've done it! I made it balance!"
Impressed, Mike came over to take a look. "Let's see... mortgage 550.00, electricity 70.50, phone 35.00." His brow wrinkled as he read the last entry. "It says here ESP, $615. What the heck is that?"
"Oh," she said, "That means, Error Some Place!"
A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep. The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can move aside to let him go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and hurls all over the big guy's chest.
About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.
"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling any better now?"
You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, whom they called 'Yam.'
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato, either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just a...
Are you ready for this?
A Common Tater!
The difference between "Men" and "Guys"
Men: know what they want to be doing five years down the road.
Guys: are not sure what they want to be doing later tonight.
Men: read Crichton, watch Rather, play golf.
Guys: read King, watch Seinfeld, play poker.
Men: wear ties with stripes, shirts with buttons, and shoes with laces.
Guys: wear high school T-shirts they've actually owned since high school.
Men: balance their checkbooks.
Guys: balance their loans so that they never hit up the same buddy twice in a row.
Men: claim to be feminist but still insist on opening doors, driving, and paying for dinner.
Guys: claim to be feminists so they can let YOU open doors, drive, and pay for dinner.
Men: are afraid of becoming their fathers.
Guys: are afraid of becoming men.
Men: put you on the phone when their mothers call.
Guys: pretend you're not there when their moms call.
Men: start their own businesses.
Guys: quit their jobs.
Men: are experts on women's erogenous zones.
Guys: are experts on their own erogenous zone.
Men: order wine based on more than the price.
Guys: bring their own beer.
A little girl came running into the house with tears streaming down her face.
"Quick, Mommy!" she screamed. "I need a big glass of cider. Quick!"
"Why do you want a glass of cider, dear?" asked the mother.
"Because," replied the girl, "I cut my hand on a thorn and I want the pain to go away."
Confused, but weary of the child's noise, the mother poured a glass of cider and the girl dunked her hand in it.
"It still hurts," whined the girl. "The cider doesn't work."
"What are you talking about? Just tell me!" the mom said, raising her voice.
"Well," replied the girl, "I overheard my big sister saying that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."
A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee queer.
The bartender looks up and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya??? Where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"
The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"
My husband and I decided to take our two children, then ages seven and three, to our favorite "adult" restaurant for the first time. The younger child refused to stay in her seat and danced around our table. Her sister, tears rolling down her face, laughed loudly at the three-year-old's antics and pounded the table.
Beet-red with embarrassment, my husband warned them through clenched teeth, "If you don't start behaving, you'll never eat out with us again!"
The man at the next table leaned over to his wife. "Look dear," he said. "Quality time!"
Lewis went out one night and got pretty wasted at a local bar. He awoke with a terrible hangover and went to take some Alka-Seltzer and relieve himself. When he looked down he saw he had a red and brown crusty substance around his dick. He scraped off a little of each into a container and sent it to a lab for identification.
When he went to see the lab technician, the tech said he had some good news and some bad. The good is that the red substance was ordinary lipstick, the bad is that the brown substance was chewing tobacco.
During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals.
The big animals were crushing little animals and at half time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.
At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball.
The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain.
The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain.
On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.
The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"
"I did" said the centipede.
"Who stopped the rhino?"
"Uh, that was me too" said the centipede.
"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"
"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.
"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.
"Well" said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."
One semester when my brother, Peter, attended the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis, an art-student friend of his asked if he could paint Peter's portrait for a class assignment. Peter agreed, and the art student painted and submitted the portrait, only to receive a C minus.
The art student approached the professor to ask why the grade was so poor.
The teacher told him that the proportions in the painting were incorrect.
"The head is too big," the professor explained. "The shoulders are too wide, and the feet are enormous."
The next day, the art student brought Peter to see the professor. He took one look at my brother. "Okay, A minus," he said.
One day Little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.
Little Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle??? Wait until Christmas!"
Christmas came around, and Little Johnny asked again.
The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry kiddo. Ask me again some other time."
Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.
Little Johnny said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were 'pulling out,' and Mommy said that 'you should wait because she was coming, too....'
"And I'll be DAMNED if I'm gonna be stuck with your $80,000 mortgage!"
You Know when you've had too much coffee when...
* You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
* You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
* You sleep with your eyes open.
* You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
* You lick your coffeepot clean.
* Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
* The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
* You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.
* You can jump-start your car without cables.
* Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
... You don't sweat, you percolate.
* You've worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug.
* You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
* You've worn the finish off you coffee table.
* The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
* Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house.
* You're so wired you pick up FM radio.
* Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans."
* Instant coffee takes too long.
* You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can.
* You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
* Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
* Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there were seen,
The footprints of my precious Lord,
But mine were not along the shore.
But then some stranger prints appeared,
And I asked the Lord, "What have we here?"
Those prints are large and round and neat,
"But Lord, they are too big for feet."
"My child," He said in somber tones,
"For miles I carried you alone.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait."
"You disobeyed, you would not grow,
The walk of faith, you would not know,
So I got tired, I got fed up,
And there I dropped you on your butt."
"Because in life, there comes a time,
When one must fight, and one must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand,
Or leave their butt prints in the sand."
~Author Unknown~
The President and Mrs. Clinton are in the front row just above the dug out at a Yankees game. The row behind them is taken up with Secret Service agents. One of them leans over and whispers something in the President's ear.
President Clinton pauses, then grabs Hillary by the scruff of the neck and heaves her over the railing. She falls 10 feet to the top of the dug out, kicking and screaming obscenities all the way down, and after she lands, the President bows to the crowd, and shakes hands and "high five's" everyone near him.
The same Secret Service agent again leans over and whispers, "No Mr. President, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH."
Walking through the woods a man comes up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree."
"You gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
"Well, OK..." So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against the tree. With this the other guy slaps a set of handcuffs on him, takes his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then strips him ass naked and leaves.
Two hours later another nature lover strolls by, sees this guy handcuffed to the tree, stark ass naked, and asks, "What the hell happened to you?"
He tells the guy the whole story about how he got there. While he was telling his story, the other guy shakes his head in sympathy, walks around behind him, kisses him behind the ear and says,
"This just ain't your day."
A Tennessee man and an Alabama man were fighting in a war, and both were caught by the enemy.
"Before I put you to death," said the enemy, "do you have any last requests?"
The Alabama man said, "Could you shoot me after you play the song 'Yeah, Alabama?'"
"Sure," the man agreed. "How about you?"
The Tennessee man said, "Could you shoot me BEFORE you play 'Yeah, Alabama?'"
Professor Gonnen Dunnit of the physics department, has spent a lifetime pursuing the as-of-yet unreachable goal of creating cold fusion in the lab. In his latest effort, he used molecules from vegetables to trigger the process on the atomic level.
During one attempt, it seemed that Professor Dunnit actually achieved his goal - the process resulted in a spherical burst of energy. The professor wrote it up and submitted it, but no other scientist could duplicate his results.
The Nobel Prize committee considered his results but dismissed Professor Dunnit's efforts, saying he had only created a ball of corn fusion.
A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.
He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for the next ten miles.
Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man: "What are you looking at you old fart? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"
Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and screwed a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room. A young woman entered with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing. It was quickly determined the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said; "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
A man runs into the Emergency Room and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed.
"Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.
Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA