Jokes

Before - You take my breath away.
After - I feel like I'm suffocating.

Before - She loves the way I take control of a Situation.
After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.

Before - Ricky & Lucy.
After - Fred & Ethel.

Before - Saturday Night Live.
After - Monday Night Football.

Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars.
After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...

Before - Is that all you are eating?
After - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey.

Before - Wheel of Fortune.
After - Jeopardy.

Before - It's like living a dream.
After - It's a nightmare.

Before - Turbocharged.
After - Needs a jump-start

Before - We agree on everything!
After - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

Before - Idol.
After - Idle.

Before - He's lost without me.
After - Why can't he ask for directions?

Before - When together, time stands still.
After - This relationship is going nowhere.

Before - Oysters.
After - Fishsticks.

Before - I can hardly believe we found each other.
After - How did I end up with someone like you?

"Mike, Mike!" called Mike Delaney's wife, Bridget, when he came home one evening. "Run over to the Macks' and see what's the matter with Pat. He's been running up and down the yard since breakfast, these two days; and the weather's bad for shirt sleeves. I'm thinking he's either lost his mind or training for a policeman."

"Whist, woman!" said Mike. "Let him be. He's got a wife of his own to worry him."

The next evening she met Mike at the door. "Sure," said she, "his brain's gone entirely, or it must be dancin' lessons he's after takin', for he's prancin' about the yard all this blessed day, he is."

So Mike thinks he would better look into the matter, and he goes to Pat. "Man, man!" he said. "Can't your wife jaw at you enough without all the neighbors taking a whack. What are you making a spectacle of your feelin's in the back yard for? Are you crazy?"

"Sure," replied Pat, "I'm only followin' directions. It's a bit sick I've been and the doctor left me some medicine.

He told me to take it two days runnin' and then skip a day."

Sadie and Yetta, two widows, are talking:

Sadie: "That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Yetta: "Vell.... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. An like such a mench he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but such a beautiful car..... a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for a dinner..... Marvelous dinner. Lobster even. Den ve go see a show.... let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much I could just die from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment, and into an ANIMAL he turns. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Sadie: "Oy! Vey... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Yetta: "No... I'm just saying that if you go, wear an old dress!"

It was just a harmless prank, that's all it was.

And it wasn't as if Old Lady Hayes didn't deserve it. The way she used to scream at us for "borrowing" a few of her precious raspberries each summer, like we were stealing gold out of Fort Knox... well, she had it coming.

At least, that's the way we saw it as George finished tying the string to the red, heart-shaped box. We giggled as Ron added the final touch: two plastic red roses, glued to the lid. "I wonder what will surprise her most," I asked as George practiced jerking the box out of reach by yanking on the string. "Seeing a box of candy on her step, or watching it fly away when she tries to pick it up?"

We laughed as we watched George make Albert chase the box around the garage. For a chubby 10-year-old, Albert did a good imitation of Mrs. Hayes's hunched hobble and her seemingly permanent scowl. And we howled when he picked up a broom and pretended to ride it through the midwinter air while shouting, "I'm Old Lady Hayes, the driedest-up old prune in the West!"

Ron was first to notice my dad in the doorway. Within seconds, Ron's anxiety was shared by all but Albert, who continued to swoop around the garage until he came face-to-belt-buckle with our silent observer. For a moment the only movement in the room came from the little puffs of steam escaping our mouths. Dad broke the stillness by walking slowly to the empty candy box lying on the floor. He picked it up and dangled it by the string, watching it swing back and forth. Then he looked into the eyes of the frightened boys. And, as was his custom, he looked into their hearts as well.

"It doesn't seem so long ago that I was pulling Valentine's Day pranks," he said as he laid the box on a workbench. "One year my cousins and I decided to pull one on our Grandma Walker even though we loved her -- she was the sweetest grandma a boy could have. We were just feeling devilish and decided to have some fun at her expense.

"Early in the evening we snuck up to her doorstep with a can of red paint. Grandma was hard of hearing, so we didn't have to worry about being very quiet. Which was a good thing, because every time we thought about how funny it was going to be to see Grandma try to pick up a valentine that was just painted on her doorstep, we couldn't keep from laughing.

"It didn't take long, and it wasn't very artistic. But for an old woman with bad eyes, it would do. We kicked the door and hid behind bushes. When Grandma finally appeared she stood in the doorway, her gray hair pulled back tightly into her usual bun, wiping her hands on her usual apron. She must have heard the commotion in the bushes because she looked in our direction and spoke loudly enough for us to hear: 'Who could be knocking at my door?' Then she looked down. Even from 15 feet away we could see the joy in her eyes when she spotted a splash of red at her feet.

"'A valentine for Grandma!' she exclaimed. 'And I thought I'd be forgotten again this year!'

"She tried to retrieve her prize. This was the moment we had been waiting for, but somehow it wasn't as much fun as we expected. Grandma groped at the fresh paint for a moment. Slowly, she figured out our prank. She tried to smile. Then, with as much dignity as she could muster, she turned and walked back into her house, absently wiping red paint on her clean, white apron."

Dad paused, and for the first time I noticed that his eyes were moist. He took a deep breath. "Grandma died later that year," he said. "I never had another chance to give her a real valentine."

He took the box from the bench and handed it to me. Then he turned and left the garage.

Later that night a red, heart-shaped box with two plastic roses on it was placed on Mrs. Hayes's front doorstep by six giggling boys. We hid behind snow-covered bushes to see how she would react to receiving a full pound of candy and nuts.

With no strings attached.

~by Joseph Walker~

Three golfers, a son, a father and a grandfather were getting ready to tee off when a beautiful young woman asked if she could join them as a fourth. All of the men eagerly agreed. The young woman asked only that they agree not to try to coach or help her with her game.

The guys said, "no problem," and they started their round.

To the men's surprise, the woman played a wonderful round, and the men held to their promise not to interfere. On the last hole, she needed a birdie to score the best round of golf she had ever played. She needed to make about a 15 ft. side hill putt for a birdie.

After looking at the putt from every direction, she just couldn't decide what it would do. Finally she said, "I know I insisted on playing my own game, but if one of you guys can help me make this putt, I will give him the best night of sex you have ever had."

The son, claiming to have the best eyesight, told her he thought the ball would break about 8" to the right.

The father, claiming he had more experience on the greens said he thought it would break more like 12" to the right.

The grandfather looked at the beautiful girl, and grinning from ear to ear, walked over and picked up the girl's ball and handed it to her saying, "It's a gimmie!"

We challenge any so-called smart-ass Yankee to take this exam administered by the University of Arkansas Engineering Department:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A '65 Ford Fairlane, a '69 Chevrolet Chevelle or a '64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the finished product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented it's charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out on the front porch?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that the truck will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of th 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during that shift?

10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

YOU MIGHT BE ADDICTED TO THE INTERNET IF...

Tech Support calls "You" for help...

You watch T.V. with the closed captioning turned on...

You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your significant other...

You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out"..

Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome

You want to meet a girl/guy and your first impulse is to turn on your computer...

You've ever gotten onto an airplane just to meet some folks face to face...

You have to get a second phone line just so you can call Domino's...

You have ever joined "Si habla Espanol" (Spanish chat room) "just to work on my Spanish"...

You've ever typed "drinking on-line is better than drinking alone"...

You go into labor and you stop to type a special e-mail letting everyone know you are going to be away...

You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it...

You no longer type with proper punctuation, capitalization, or complete sentences...

You begin to say "LOL" instead of laughing...

When someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!"...

You turn down the lights and close the blinds so people won't know you are on-line again...

You know more about your on-line friends daily routines than you do your own spouse's...

You change screen names so much that you have to get your profile to see who you are (identity crisis here)...

You're broke, your modem burns out and you go out onto the streets to sell your body to get a new one...

You open your home to 15 strangers for a week merely because they have computers and cool screen names...

Your kids are standing at your side saying "mommy, please come cook dinner" and you would rather type another "LOL"...

You marry your cyber boyfriend/girlfriend and you both sit at your own computers and chat to each other every night from across the room...

You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time...

You won't work at a job that doesn't have a modem involved...

You have to ask what year it is...

You are doing things more and more that you swore you would never, ever do when you first found chat...

You name your pets after people you talk to on-line...

You smile sideways...

You have a map on the wall with red thumbtacks to mark where people you have met are...

You look at an annoying person off-line and wish you had your ignore button handy...

Being called a newbie is a *MAJOR* insult...

You double click your tv remote...

You can now type over 70 wpm...

You go into withdrawals during dinner...

You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone in a room...

You have gone into an unstaffed tech support room and ended up "giving" tech support to other USERS...

You have to be pried from your computer with the Jaws-of-Life...

Your last sexual experience was really just a "textual" experience...

You find yourself lying to others about your time on-line and when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook...

You have an identity crisis if someone else is using a screen name close to your own...

You would rather tell people your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much instead of the truth (all night on-line)...

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's (2003) winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Mr. & Mrs. Hill had been married for many years, and were still very much in love. Their only son was their greatest joy. All who knew them envied their happiness, but couldn't help feeling good in their presence. So, when the family was in a tragic car accident from which only the son surviv- ed, there was tremendous mourning. The son, unwilling to believe that his parents were truly gone, kept them at home. He beseeched anyone that could bring his parents back to him to do so, money no object. Many so-called miracle workers came, but none could help. Then, one day, a small man arrived with a piano. He brought the piano into the room with the bodies, and began to play. Suddenly, their eyes opened. They got up, looked at one another, then began dancing to the live- ly tune the small man was playing. Their son could not believe what he was seeing. He wept with joy, then cried out to the man to explain how he had done this wonderful thing.

"Simple.", replied the piano man.

"The Hills are alive with the sound of music."

What Is A Bachelor?

One who avoids Bride-Eyed women.

One who believes in Life, Liberty and the Happiness of Pursuit.

One who believes in Wine, Women and So-Long.

One who believes that one can live as cheaply as two.

One who can forget his mistakes.

One who can get into bed from either side.

One who can go fishing anytime, until he gets hooked.

One who can have a girl on his knee without having her on his hands.

One who can leave his socks and wallet lying around the house.

One who can tell his symptoms to his Doctor without having his wife interrupt.

One who can't be Spouse-Broken.

One who can't stand the strain of a wife.

One who cheated some woman out of a divorce.

One who doesn't have to leave the party when he starts having a good time.

One who failed to embrace his opportunities.

One who is a free male.

One who is allergic to Wedding cakes.

One who is Foot-Loose and Family-Free.

One who is known as a Dame Dropper.

One who is not missing anything in life except a few buttons on his shirt.

One who knows all the ankles.

One who knows how to hold a woman's hand so that she doesn't get a grip on him.

One who knows if he has a steady girl on the string he may wind up on a leash.

One who knows more about Women than Men. That's why he is a Bachelor.

One who leans toward a woman but not far enough to fall.

One who likes his Girl Friend just the way she is...Single!!!!

One who looks, but does not leap.

One who never chases a woman he couldn't outrun.

One who never knows whom the next kiss is coming from.

One who never makes the same mistake once.

One who never met a girl he couldn't live without.

One who never Mrs. Anything.

One who never says, "I'll Give You A Ring Tomorrow!"

One who plays the game of love and manages to retain his amateur outstanding.

One who prefers ripe tomatoes with little dressing.

One who thinks he is a thing of Beauty and a Boy forever.

One who travels fastest in a parked car.

One who tries to avoid the issue.

One who usually has his hands full trying to loosen a woman's grip.

One who wakes up in the morning with all of the blankets.

One who washes only one set of dishes.

One who when a girl asks him for a Diamond Ring, he turns Stone-Deaf.

One who when he opens the window in his apartment, more dust blows out than in.

One who won't take 'Yes' for an answer.

One who would rather change girls than change their names.

One who would rather cook his own goose.

One who would rather have a woman on his mind than on his neck.

One who would rather mend his socks than his ways.

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!

This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"

She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."

"Why?" he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"

"Let me see" he said. "Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.

She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and the gizzards."

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...

First floor The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor this sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."

"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs."

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie....

But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull grey suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS agent."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

**POOF***

The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

**POOF***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story?

If the IRS offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

A man who was born, reared, and educated in New York took a job in Mississippi after college. He liked Mississippi so much that he stayed, married, and had a family. When his widowed father retired, he invited him to move to a nice retirement community near him. His father, tired of the cold New York winters, decided to give it a try.

After a month of living in the retirement community, he and his son were having dinner together and the son asked, "Dad, how do you like living in the South after all those years in New York?"

"Well, son," he replied. "I like it a lot. The people are really friendly and everyone seems to have a nickname. For instance, Tom is called "The Mechanic" by everyone in spite of the fact that it has been over 20 years since he has worked on a car. Bill has not practiced medicine for at least 15 years, but everyone still calls him "Doc."

"So, Dad, do you have a nickname?"

"Yes, I do. Even though I have not had sex in the 10 years since your mother died, everyone refers to me as that "Fucking Yankee."