One Liners

Some people practice what they preach, others just practice preaching.

I would feel better about Kosovo if Clinton would personally lead the ground attack.

"Smoking helps you lose weight one lung at a time!"

"Today, if you ask a car dealer to let you see something for ten grand, he'll show you the door!"

"Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease!"

"Prison inmates are treated to cable TV, hot meals and a college education, while on the outside some people can only afford these things through

"Thanks to the taxation we are subjected to, the question "Paper or plastic?" now refers to many American's sleeping arrangements!"

"Most people are so lazy, that they don't even exercise good judgement!"

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

"If opera is entertainment, then falling off a roof is transportation!"

"A college jock is someone who minds his build instead of vice versa!"

"The only advantage to living in the past is that the rents are much cheaper!"

"Getting old is when a narrow waist and a broad mind change places!"

"How come stealing from one book is plagiarism, but stealing from many is research?"

"It takes one to know one and vice versa!"

"Nowadays, a balanced diet is when every McNugget weighs the same!"

"Teenagers are people who act like babies if they're not treated like adults!"

"How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?"

What's the greatest worldwide use of cowhide? To hold cows together.

You can lead a horse to water, but, a pencil must be lead.

Those nicotine patches seem to work really well, but I heard that's it's kinda hard to keep em' lit.

For people who like peace and quiet - a phoneless cord.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error...

"You can be on the right track and still get hit by a train!"

"The U.N. is a place where governments opposed to free speech demand to be heard!"

"A plastic surgeon's office the only place where no one gets offended when you pick your nose!"

"Today, it takes more brains and effort to make out the income-tax form than it does to make the income. "

"A wedding ring is like a tourniquet it cuts off your circulation!"

"A lawyer is someone who writes an eighty-page document and calls it a brief!"

"It's astonishing how politicians never say anything, yet always insist they're being misquoted!"

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

My friend has a job installing pipe. When Friday comes, he tells his boss it's time to pay the piper.

Celibacy is not hereditary.

Circular Definition&; see Definition, Circular.

Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen events.

"Normal" is a setting on a washing machine.

I misplaced my dictionary. Now I'm at a loss for words.

Do you think Dan Quayle supports NATOE?

My wife tends to leave well enough alone. Unfortunately, things are rarely well enough.